Breaking the ice/dusting the cobwebs, etc.

I feel like I'm lost in my own head.

Wow. Like words to a (cool) song. I'd love to say that I meant it in a very poetic, very profound way - but really, I just feel (can I say literally?) that way. The next few things I will say will probably sound so annoyingly pretentious (I will plead it's just honesty, but judge away, anyway).. I'm just hoping this little hint of self-awareness assuages it a bit.

There are no feelings. Like you're right smack in the center of the woods and any way you take will take you just about the same time to get back to place familiar to you. Like any way you take is pretty much fair game.

I feel like I'm right smack in the center of neutrality in my head. I'm not closer to happy than I am to sad. I'm not closer to anger than I am to whatever feeling is opposite of anger.

(Interestingly, I read this morning from a book called "The Book of Useless Information (things you didn't think you need to know - and probably don't)" that the most used word in conversation is "I". And I probably used up my quota only 100 words into this entry.)

I have several things I want to write about. My lazy butt reasons that I haven't found "the" writing timing to sit down and make sense of my messy thoughts. I am writing today so I break the ice/dust the cobwebs/insert similar symbolism about starting again, etc.

So forgive the brain farts I passed as "thoughts that merit a blog post". Consider this stretching prior to an easy 10K :)

p.s. I am trying to discipline myself to avoid tweeting random cryptic stuff (that most of the time don't mean anything OR mean something less profound than they seem). This is to train me to write, to train me to think to pursue trains of thought, and maybe develop some delayed gratification. (Nothing cripples ability to practice delayed gratification better than that small surge of (fleeting) happiness a witty 140-character tweet allows you.)

The entry I wrote instead of tweeting random cryptic stuff that don't really mean anything

I've deleted 2 opening lines before I actually succeeded in opening this entry. So um, hello. I've been meaning to write for about 2 weeks now.

I've been writing and rewriting and composing (albeit unsuccessfully) this entry in my head I entitled "Para kanino ka bumabangon?" It sounds so much better in my head. Now that's it's written down, it sounds a little too melodramatic.

I've been meaning to talk about big things, grown up stuff in that entry. Feeling ko parang breakthrough piece - the kind that after writing, I'll be on my feet, working on fixing my life, knowing exactly what to do. But for reasons I do not have a grip on, I cannot, for the love of all good things, bring myself to write!

Maybe it's so much more than writing that entry? Maybe I honestly do not like to sit down to try to write that entry because I'm scared that if I don't know the answers to my own questions I'm screwed? Who knows? (Maybe me? I'm just too chicken to man the fxck up and have the balls to live with the answers? Why am I using too many question marks?)

So while I'm cooking up reasons why I am NOT writing, I am spending an obscene amount of time looking at this person's picture,  where else - but on a pretty Facebook profile picture. I am happy to report that I get many kinds of happy feelings looking at this person's picture. A little too happy I am embarrassed. Nah, embarrassed is too fluffy a description. I get too happy I am awashed by shame. (Douchey?)

(From this point on I will be talking about my feelings for this boy, okay? Notice how I subtly steered the stories to this boy - okay, maybe not that subtly. No apologies, tho. Not to say I am not not embarrassed.)

We shall dub thee, boy in question, Baby Boy. I've been talking about Baby Boy for quite a while now. It's gone to embarrassing lengths how I try to ~subtly (at least I think I do subtly) insert him in random conversations with my friends. It's been a few months of staring from afar, catching sly glances, and embarrassed exchanges of mumbled hi's and hello's - never decent conversation, never clear audible hello's, never brave eye contact and grown up acknowledgement of each other. Boo.

Thing is, I don't even know him. I only have a vague idea of how his voice sounds like, and well, that's about how much I know about him. My affection is solely anchored on uh.. his pretty face. Oh oh, and how dapper he looks in plaid, pressed shirts! That's uh, how very deep my personal knowledge and friendship with him is.

The million dollar question still begs for an answer - why on earth can I still NOT shake off this giddy grade school flush I get when I think about him/ see him? Gah. Medyo di na makatarungan that he eats up this much brain space - shet, spoken like a true blue thirteen-year old slash full-fledged high school girl!

A part of me wants to share my secret wish pag 11:11. But a bigger part of me is embarrassed lol. So tonight, adult decision making wins, no self-incriminating sharing. Let's see if I will find enough courage to spill in my next writing binge.

I'm wrapping this up as this writing binge has done its job of helping me get rid of all these weird, unexplained feelings in my tummy - did not say found explanations, answers to questions, etc, etc. I just know I will keep trying to ~subtly insert Baby Boy in (all) my random conversations. I know I will keep trying to man up, pull together a decent smile - with teeth, and say an audible hello, and maybe fail for the most part. I know I will keep plotting ways so we walk by each other, accidentally "bump" into each other, and other things I will not say will be 'beyond' me.

As is evidenced by this large chunk of time I spent binge writing about this, Baby Boy evidently, will be enjoying a lot of airtime/screentime in my brain.

That said, I am now ready to hit the hay.