no part timing

church today was an astounding wake up call. pastor's first line after the prayer was like a bullet that shot right through me. the moment we all opened our eyes, he fired the question, "how are our prayer lives?' inside me, the unwitting answer was, 'what the heck, what prayer life?'


EXACTLY. i have not been praying for as long as i can remember. which only means, something is VERY wrong.


we just finished studying the the last installment of the Calvinist fundamental belief in TULIP, and wrapped things up. things couldn't have been said any better when pastor said, with all the grace that's been shown us, what is the least that we can do?

answer: share.
answer: gratittude.
answer: if you're the real thing, it should show.
answer: be an active doer, and not a pasive non-doer.

mehn, this is hard.
*voice inside my head: nobody said it was easy.

it's such a struggle to get by without the certainty of control. screw the future and the uncertainty that comes with the territory. screw rational thinking and the way it's driving me nuts.

i guess i should have subscribed to this sovererignty immediately after the lipservice i gave it. paranoia is tiring. rational thinking is so, um rationsal?, especially that it flies everywhere you use it, and very convenient. i mean nobody condemns anyone for thinking rationally.

and yes, i can go on with mile long lists about why it is unbelievably hard, but nothing justifies part timing. no such thing. it's hot OR cold. no such thing as tap. it's black OR white. no grays. must make up mind.

the choice of course is yes to the hard life + grace:)
*voice inside head butts in again: nobody said it was easy.