some wish list

random things swimming inside my head:

• sleep. loooong sleep -- with no one bugging me to get up cos it's lunchtime and how it's so wrong to be spending half the day in bed. yes, and waking up to happy people who don't take it against me that i spent some QT with my bed that i haven't been seeing since mid-Feb.
• more time. to work on the remaining friggin requirements i still need to finish and pass for the next four days. i need to deliver, and deliver some smashing work -- and smashing isn't only a function of a bright mind. smashing is also a function of time (pleeenty of time) and a good mood to boot. hay, why is smashing beginning to sound to me like elusive. answer anyone?
• wit. i hate it that minsan nabo-bobo narin ako sa sarili kong jokes. wit, wisdom, and brevity -- i will be the happiest :)
• why am i always in wanting. yun yun eh. (pasira sa aking "outline" -- but what the heck)
• shopping. take me somewhere where there are pretty frilly clothes and nice comfy flats and slippers for walking and white Chucks with the studs and no shoelaces and beautiful leather bags and flashy earrings and every other "chic" ensemble i will need for our upcoming "themed" reports and sports stores with boxing gear and bookstores with all the chic lit i could get my hands on and "smart" reads. aaaa! i can go on and on for the next two years and not stop. yeah, nothing beats materialism -- bwahaha! :P (cos when all else fails, succumbing to earthly pleasures is a good way to make your earthly self waaaay better :P) don't forget my moolah, too. lotsa lots! :) ooh, one last -- friendly sales ladies who look for the stuff you want with a smile, and puhleeaase, send me non-clingy, non-bug-gy ones :)
• emotional stability. nuff said :P
• backbone to stand up for the things that should be done. am kinda happy somehow that i don't feel all good. cos something's wrong. but it's never enough to just have this feeling crawling down your spine -- cos it's something else to be doing something about it.
• a car. may not be new, cos of the panic attack i get when i know there's so much at stake with the teeniest scratch. (howell, a new one wont hurt :P CRV 3G, anyone? *drool*) that, or more driving privileges. i hate it that too many pervs are out in the streets (or the jeeps for that matter) lurking and preying on anyone in panties. get a life losers! at least when am ensconced in the privacy of the driver's seat, my concern is not scratching my "baby" -- well, that and the bastards *understatement pa to* of friggin jeepney drivers. is that a good thing? :P

indifference is not an option

yeah, i know. reading from that title, it is v. easy to take take the high road and act cool about this. to end up being preachy, goody-two-shoes, and pretend to have a high ground over this.

because no -- i do not. i have not one grain of moral high ground to say anything about indifference. but yeah, this is my space -- screw you, i still will :P

i have been the walking ad campaign for indifference -- just don't ask me how ( i know the answer to that) OR why (that i have no idea, err.. i kinda do but can't make up mind). i have been goin on with my purdy life, dong what i want to do (and well, needless to say -- but you know me, i still will :P not doing things i KNOW i have to). good. NOT. of course not. screw whatever bubble that is flying over my head that says to each his own. no, does not apply.

the point of this entire babbling is that, there are things we do (or not do) that mean nothing to us but mean so much to other people. a pat on the back, lame small talk, a random unexpected compliment, maybe a hug -- things that tell this other being someone cares about you. you can throw you tomatoes at me now -- but yeah, i'll still stand my ground. eew, that was cheesy -- but still.

everyone could use a compliment. and it wouldn't hurt to say something nice - for a change :) go.

life nuggets

• playing in the background is Akon's Don't Matter. ang ghetto, title palang :P haha. given that it's Akon, and he's black, and his past songs are hiphop-ish and club-sounding, this one's refreshing. it has this weird Jamaican feel, parang reggae-ish and zen-like. alavet :) just got my own at Limewire this afternoon, lovelovelove it. earcandy :) -- nobody wanna see us together, but it don't matter no. cos i got you. nobody wanna see us together, but it don't matter no. cos we goin fight for our right to lovin. the words don't really make sense to me, well cos Akon sounds to me like someone with v. poor grammatical foundation, and yeah at this time of my life, am not such a fan of mush. it's da sound man. goood :)
• Econ's on Tuesday and i haven't gotten myself to read any one of the three(?) chapters am supposed to (read verb used) pore over. coverage is IS-LM curve + Mundell-Fleming model + Sir's additional big picture lecture. hay. i need to curb that ADD habit. wuh. note to self: stay put.
• caught 300 with my dad Saturday night. hrmm. got into the movie house feeling numb, and two seconds later pretty apprehensive cos i was thinking i wasn't really in the mood for action -- and well, gore. it was for good reason the movie got an R-13. there was this weird monster licking the life out of this teenager. major eew. two seconds after Leonidas engages his wife into some send-off moochie coochie. then i figured, i was wishing i was twelve and wasn't let into the theater. then the blood and gore part -- the boys had really fab abs, and for a good few minutes i was ashamed of myself for not being at least trim. they put the ab in fab :) but yeah, the movie had a story -- sorry your shallow blogger kinda got too immersed in the visuals :P i think i will still have to write about 300 winner lines in yet another entry. my dad didn't very much like it though. fell short of his action-movie happiness scale or something. too videogame-ish for him.
• and you, just when i kinda figured out for myself that i like you because you're fun company, you go around me and make me feel you like me -- a little too much. just when did you start caring. when did you learn to read my mind. when have you gotten over your pride issues and learned to make others feel cared for. when did you start making it a point to make me feel like i matter. howell, like every phase, this too shall pass. *crosses fingers*

woozy floozy

it's a Thursday morning and am happy(er) cos i got 10 hours of sleep :) weee! am whiling time away (when i should be reading my report for later :P) cos i miss bumming. the last few days were crazy. i was actually scared i'd hit the 9-day mark and just die off. thankfully i din't :P haha.
the crazy sleepless combo started last Saturday. Friday was Law midterms, class ended at 7p, went to Bo's to read marketing (if my memory serves me right) then got home really late. rational next step would be to get to sleep and prepare for saturday's looong day. and i did.

woke up Saturday and ran to school because 1)late fines will be imposed and shelling twenty plusplus for minutes i missed isn't fun and 2)yun lang pala. late fines :P the day rolled by, writing company backgrounders for the first half of the day. lunch at Fort, but since we lack the resources to fully enjoy the place and we are such suckers for fast food (excuses :P) we "dined" at Mcdo. after two minutes of lunch break, we were up for serious serious work.

this is us at work. and this was us back when the pressure hasn't made its presence felt. this was us back when we could still smile, and thought had time to take pictures. five hours after this, we were all pulling our hair, and very close to cussing each other, willing time to stop -- well, and our eyes to keep from sleeping. the eyes won over us :P

Valdez made a promise to never overnight again -- and like all promises, it was broken just like that. we ended up sleeping over, and well reliving all those things we said we'd never do again :P so yeah, we spent the morning at Strabucks Tiende (over chismis, instead of marketing chapters :P)


sunday, went home lunchtime. slept three minutes after i got home. but when i woke up, the work was still there. argh. started writing for my 152 part of the term paper at around 6p. skipped church, and still went on writing. felt like i have been writing for a full day -- but hindi natatapos yung paper! aaaa! i wanted to shout "hugas bigas!" :P haha. inabot nko ng Monday morning, and andami pa din. aaa! and this is not yet even including preparations for my 2.30p Marketing exam.
anyway, the day just screeched by me like that, and befoe i could even think about what hapened, i just found myself writing for my 182 Tuesday report. i was very close to pulling my hair, kamote yang breakeven analysis! stayed up til mga 1a -- bitin yung working time but i couldn't extend, else hindi nko magising for the report.


Tuesday na! 182 report na! yun na lang. some things are supposed to be left unsaid. haha. eto nalang, straight off from my planner -- i thought i was passive. i never saw myself as a neurotic (well at least not for my acads :P) until that day. kinda happy i did. thank you for making my day :)


in the chaos of it all, i had this weird sense of calm. you can opt to not believe, yeah i had three million aaaa!'s and few "hair tearing incidents" and all. but yeah, i enjoyed it -- twisted as it sounds. but in my list, there was this option that said, we all have our shining moments. times when we can prove that we can take more than we think we can. times when we surpass even our expectations of our selves. i love it that i was able to put aside my woozy floozy self (give me credit, i had a grand total of 10 hours of sleep from Sunday to Tuesday) and try that supergirl suit. i was tired but i didn't let it be my excuse to not deliver. my stuff weren't erfect and had plenty of room for improvement, but am happy that i can say i gave it my best shot. haven't said that in a long time :)

again am learning the meaning of tiis :)

quarter .. mid... err, life crisis

most of the time i wish my life wasn't as controlled by my emotions as it is now.

i guess you can call it addiction. err... word too strong. but yeah. kinda. i've kinda become addicted to feeling happy. i think am kind of old enough to realize that life has other settings than happy-smiley. but no, there are so many times when i find myself frustrated when things use up some other kind of emotion.

and you -- you're not supposed to be here

i din't plan you

i can't, must stop

this won't take us anywhere

is it just me or...

why is it so easy to stay up late and spend hours in front of the computer browsing through random, useless stuff. spend time in front of the tube scanning shows you don't really wanna see? whiling time away for non-academic endeavors -- effortless.

but noooo. for finance, i'd have to pull myself up, hold my eyelids to stay awake. it's always a conscious effort. and it's nevever a guarantee i'd remember everthing. hay life.

random: i kinda feel like eating kwek-kwek. like now. hmm, i can smell the vinegar and sili :P and isaw, too :)

why am i gravitating to you?

like a bee to a flower. ay. joke yun :P

you make me happy, you make me laugh.

-- but there's more to it than that.

for one thing, i know it's not going to happen

we are so different.

and reason gives me a flat out -- no.

because i opted to stay home

i skipped Econ today. i sit here, in front of the computer, and cross my fingers Sir does not decide to make his students do anything important today -- like a quiz. nooooo. not today, please? okay, insert smiley -- :) please? :)

the other Sir said we won't have 182 today. so yeah, happy. then i started getting dressed at around 9-ish. and then i figured, i'll be going to an hour's worth of class then -- four hour's worth of crappy free time. alone. so i decided to stay home and leave a little later. hence, the entry :)

last night was ultimate sabaw night. after the Finance exam, i get an appointment from the leader, to head the discussion for the 152 term paper. understandably cos he has like three zillion powerpoints to work on, two million reports like that one for Law, plus one make up class. so i thought, not a prob -- one hour discussion then head home.

but no, around 6p, we were on our way to Bo's and were up for some serious discussion. we grabbed some munch then next thing i knew, it was 10p. and i had no Dad to pick me -- away in some Asian Destination. ten thirty we decided it was late and head home.

but. but it doesn't head there. got home 11-ish -- alone, five minutes downtime, then bath. foncall from friendcess after am fresh and clean, then some more grub. we worked til our ears were sore and we were barely functioning. slept til i felt i had compensated for all those. and that isn't much. the past days am happy with just six hours. *sigh*

to my Bed: bonding tayo end March
to my eyes: am sorry you don't get much sleep. it'll be a while. be patient.
to my brain: please cooperate.
to my self: hi :)

because my life now is about the exams i take

Finance tomorrow.

and yes, i write despite the exam that looms :0

that weird truth about my life still holds true, two years after i wrote about it -- that the mundane useless things in life seem v. exciting to do when important, high-stakes tasks need to be done. always. and yeah, the ADD isn't helping. gah. *i am now shuffling between writing my 152 paper and reading for my Finance exam tomorrow -- and yeah, writing this stupid entry*

i was just thinking -- i kinda feel grown up. (and no, don't ask me. it's not about time management, or priority-setting :P) i figured i don't anymore succumb to the -- hrmm, how do i call this -- basta, this. i find myself assessing things beyond their superficial whatever.i figured, i now know when there are things i cannot have -- and am happy i don't anymore throw (secret) tanrums swimming in self-pity about why i can't. grown up OR passive. hrrmm, di pa pala ako sigurado.

grown up nalang :) diba, it takes a lot to realize that there are things you can't have with just sheer assertiveness. there's this thing called -- not for you, if in case you haven't heard of that.

isa pa. life's package deals aren't exactly how you want them. parang Happy Meal yan eh. you want rice and chicken and sundae plus the stupid toy. but Mcdo says their Happy Meal has spaghetti and chicken plus coke and the stupid toy. you can't argue with the cashier person and tell her you are the customer and that you ARE right. you can have your chicken and rice meal and sundae, but without the stupid toy. if you badly want the stupid toy, pay for the other things you don't want. have your chicken, but for the stupid toy, pay for the spaghetti and friends as well. well, save for those times when you actually like the food in the Happy Meal, you'd have to make do without the chicken, suffer the spaghetti, all in the name of the stupid toy.

ok ok, i prolly got carried away with the Happy Meal and the stupid toy. i hope i got the point across :P

or not? hrmm.

basta. in life, there are things you want, but meron catch. all in the name of the stupid toy, you'd have to suffer sweet spaghetti and other things you don't want . it's always a trade-off.

whatever. baka inaantok nako.

bring it on

i've always had this bring-it-on attitude since i learned preparing for schoolwork. OR, since i thought i learned preparation. you just get tired of staying up late reading, and thinking about whether you're prepared enough or not. the stuff you read eats up your system, and it's all you think about day in, day out. you get saturated, you just want to flush it out of you. it's that feeling you get when you just want to get everything over and done with.

now i just badly want to say bring it on. this Finance second exam is driving me nuts. seriously. i am very deathly scared of thursday -- very scared, i shudder a the thought. and i say that not just for the poetic value of it. i mean it. the exam covers six friggin chapters plus my notes plus cases plus random reminders from Sir. am definitely not one you'd call GC, but here i am shaking at the thought of taking that exam. believe me, it's that hard. and for that, i just can't say bring it on.

i've never really had strong feelings for mediocrity and lack of talent -- until this Finance.i hate it that because of this all my issues about meiocrity are surfacing. wuh. and now i have to (have to) deal with them. all of them.

hay life.

another day at the office err.. school

today is social awareness day. gia and i were off to the convocation in BA for Tuesday's election. and yeah, there really are some people who like what they like -- like running for public office. then my un-feeling issues surfaced again. i guess am gonna have to find out for myself what will make me want to get involved -- again.

quotable thingum -- from me to gia:
*fresh from the Miting de Avance plus some JMA election nuggets * you should realize what the voting public can do to you -- they ask questions to grill you, catch you off guard, and make themselves appear witty. you are only as good as your worst flaw :P haha, i felt like i was brimming with soo much wisdom :P

the day felt like it just rolled by -- went passed me ng walang pasabi. another day. another... hrmm, wala naman ako maisip.

valdez was telling me about this Kellis song -- that i have to hear daw. ego boosters for low self-esteem people daw. ha. i hate it -- i love it already! :P percussion's reeeaally good, and i love the hoarse voice + oldies feel of it :) hay valdez. MJ parin ako! :P haha.

there's this weird feeling welling up inside my tummy.

no, not right. cannot be.

you nurse the feeling, and -- kaboom.

ayayayayay :O

what happened?

Econ 3rd exam - done. Marketing 3rd exam -- done. hay. at least i can breathe a lttle easier now :) but not quite, cos Finance 2nd exam is thursday next week. howel.

this post is brought to you by the UP Pep Squad super show we caught last Tuesday -- yes, that Tuesday before marketing :P before my brainfood -- lets do an i-have-a-column-in-the-lifestyle-section-lets-talk-about-the-show :)

Elevate 7 was my first -- and i think i'd love to see the eighth installment :) save for that issue when i got fetched, i loveloveloved that Tuesday night. for the first part, random squads fro UP orgs did their routines for the contest. hohum. then we had hotodgs, really yummeh! :) we got bacon cheesedog, ate by the stairs, and for me i loved every moment that we spent drowned out in the sea of strangers :)

then it was the Pep Squad's turn. whoah! :) they did a number for each month of the year. and we loveloveloved all of them to bits :) argh, i hate writing when am happy, i always come off chessy. i haven't even gotten past three hundred words and i've use a gajillion smilleys and half the essay is the word love. ayayayayayay.

of all the performances, i'd pick october :) because my math100 hottie was there :) haha. theme, if i got it right was Oktoberfest, so they had a long table and a bunch of manginginoms all toting a bottle of your sari-sari store beer. they made music by pounding the table with their bottles and gahd, the percussion freak in me was pleased :) and my hottie was right smack in the center -- yeah, am biased :P

isa pang favorite ko was the drummers' performance. cool talga :) ohwell, andun pala ulet si math100 hottie :P they chanted the UAAP UP cheers -- benta sa crowd! i missed the cheerdance tuloy. haven't ssen it in two years :(

i liked the summer part, too. colorful. and the graduation part. ooh, the sexy cripple men :P benta kay friendcess! and the christmas part. and the two faggots who did adlib in between dress up time. benta! :) i figured -- i loved the entire thing. next year ulet! :)

and you know me -- i get light bulb moments at the weirdest times. yeah like in the Pep Squad show. seeing all them and how much love they had for the Pep Squad -- so thick, you can almost touch it, made me realize how much un-feeling i have become.

i don't know what happened. i have lost all excitement for the big things. i have ceased to be competitive. i lost all feeling. i have become too scared about things. i have lost all appetite for risk. i feel like am fifty. what happened? :o

will write again.