Alone time has been in abundance for the past months. Had alone time been clothes money, I would've had a dozen closets bursting to the seams. I've always been a fan of alone time, gives you decent thinking time, to mull over important and non-important things, to sort feelings and thoughts, and sometimes to just break free from everyone else. It's supposed to be a break. I guess things are different when the break becomes the regular grind. That's how it's been for me lately. I guess alone time's like chocolate -- good in small amounts and the occasional binge, but gets you a little nauseous when taken a little too much.
But even if I'm complaining about a little too much alone time, it still does me good somehow. I drown in my own thoughts and I learn about myself. From the mooshy gooshy reflections, I just figured how much of a dark person I am. I kind of already know that optimism's not really my thing, but I never really realized how much aversed I am to being all hopeful and bright.
I figured It's kind of odd that my thoughts are more inclined dark side considering I'm all bright and shiney in conversations. A little too bubbly for strangers, my friends would say. But left on my own, my mind is a dark hole of non-positivity.
Err, maybe I just need decent conversations.
A week ago, I decided to try positivity and happiness because i figured it's all in the mind. I thought if I focus my energies on trying to see the bright and happy, I'd get to see it. It was more difficult than I thought. Dunno, I guess old habits really die hard. So now just a few days after that "decision" non-positivity has taken over again. Maybe I could use a mini cheering squad to give pep talks on positivity. Or maybe to bring real sunshine.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
It's on Autopilot Overdrive
It's Day 2 today of the show in SMX. I barely completed 8 hours of sleep for the past two days combined. But tonight, I decide to kill more brain cells by staying up late, trawling the internet for err, things. As if my brain isn't damaged enough from "rarely talking" -- according to Pastor's text on brain damaging habits.
I've been thinking a lot the past week, about my decisions, plans for the coming year, and my 21-year old life in general. The kind of thinking I've been doing on autopilot hasn't been giving me any more clarity. Not saying I have clarity of thought now.
I'm physically exhausted and when I think about it, my brain's kind of tired, too. Doing a lot of thinking without getting to resolve anything is a betch.
Dear God, I know you know our hearts even before we tell you things in prayer. You know my heart more than I do, and you know how confused it is. I've said what I think will give it clarity more times than I care to count. I've said it in prayer, and now I'm saying with a blog entry. Internet's supposedly faster in heaven, isn't it?
***
My hands are shaking from carrying this torch, from carrying this torch for you.
~ Sondre Lerche
I've been thinking a lot the past week, about my decisions, plans for the coming year, and my 21-year old life in general. The kind of thinking I've been doing on autopilot hasn't been giving me any more clarity. Not saying I have clarity of thought now.
I'm physically exhausted and when I think about it, my brain's kind of tired, too. Doing a lot of thinking without getting to resolve anything is a betch.
Dear God, I know you know our hearts even before we tell you things in prayer. You know my heart more than I do, and you know how confused it is. I've said what I think will give it clarity more times than I care to count. I've said it in prayer, and now I'm saying with a blog entry. Internet's supposedly faster in heaven, isn't it?
***
My hands are shaking from carrying this torch, from carrying this torch for you.
~ Sondre Lerche
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wuss twice over
Yesterday, I tried the cycling class for the first time. From outside the glass walls of the room, it all looked normal and do-able -- I thought to myself, heck, I biked a lot when I was younger, how difficult could it be. Apparently, conceit has its costs. 5 minutes into the class and I was proven wrong, very wrong, into thinking that just because you biked as a kid you can survive a cycling class.
The class requires you to bike standing up pretty much the whole hour. Not to mention that while biking standing up, you have to do all these crunches and dance moves. They all look pretty easy, but when done on a bike, pedaling while standing up makes you writhe in pain. I tried standing up the first part of the class. For one, because I wanted to follow the instructor and two, it's a group class so every person that deviates from the norm is given mean stares with thought bubbles that say WUSS in all caps. But less than 5 minutes into trying to be obedient, my legs were crying out in pain. The pain was a killer, my legs feel like they just want to fall off my knees.
So I sat on the seat, and tried to recover. But every time I try to stand up, the sensation comes back and I am forced to sit. And well, take the mean stares and judging looks. Total wuss. What made it all the more embarrassing was I raised my hand when the instructor asked for first timers at the beginning of the class. So she kept asking me all throughout the class if I was doing okay. I give a weak smile and an unsure nod.
I really wanted the cycling class cause they make for killer legs. But gah, it kills you first before you get to the killer legs part. And I thought, falling asleep in yoga class was embarassing enough.
Anyhoo, since wuss is rad (at least with my life now), here's a scratch paper scribble on a moment of weakness :P
Had you been an ass, it would've been easier to tell if you felt the same. You can be something else to everyone and be this poster kid for nice for me. You are nice and well-mannered and pretty much everything I wanted a guy to be. It's just that, you're like that to everyone. You're nice to everyone, you look genuinely interested in everyone, and you make yourself really easy to like for everyone. If I put shades of meaning to how you are to me, I become the ass of a feeler, pretty much. I wish things were as easy as coming up to you, telling you that I like you, asking you if you like me back, and getting an answer. If your answer were yes, I'd be badass happy. If you're anwer were no though, we could still go on like usual and I can just drop the whole thing altogether. I'd figure you're not into me and we'd both move on and not be awkward.
But really, I can cross my fingers for three lifetimes and still not have that happen, the no part at least. I know I said the magic has gone along with the butterflies in the tummy, but that's just egotistical me trying to put on a winning face because a month into it and you still haven't shown clear signs that you're into me. As much as I'd want to be not into you anymore, I still am. And it sucks that I'm not sure about you. Bah, have dinner with me :|
The class requires you to bike standing up pretty much the whole hour. Not to mention that while biking standing up, you have to do all these crunches and dance moves. They all look pretty easy, but when done on a bike, pedaling while standing up makes you writhe in pain. I tried standing up the first part of the class. For one, because I wanted to follow the instructor and two, it's a group class so every person that deviates from the norm is given mean stares with thought bubbles that say WUSS in all caps. But less than 5 minutes into trying to be obedient, my legs were crying out in pain. The pain was a killer, my legs feel like they just want to fall off my knees.
So I sat on the seat, and tried to recover. But every time I try to stand up, the sensation comes back and I am forced to sit. And well, take the mean stares and judging looks. Total wuss. What made it all the more embarrassing was I raised my hand when the instructor asked for first timers at the beginning of the class. So she kept asking me all throughout the class if I was doing okay. I give a weak smile and an unsure nod.
I really wanted the cycling class cause they make for killer legs. But gah, it kills you first before you get to the killer legs part. And I thought, falling asleep in yoga class was embarassing enough.
Anyhoo, since wuss is rad (at least with my life now), here's a scratch paper scribble on a moment of weakness :P
Had you been an ass, it would've been easier to tell if you felt the same. You can be something else to everyone and be this poster kid for nice for me. You are nice and well-mannered and pretty much everything I wanted a guy to be. It's just that, you're like that to everyone. You're nice to everyone, you look genuinely interested in everyone, and you make yourself really easy to like for everyone. If I put shades of meaning to how you are to me, I become the ass of a feeler, pretty much. I wish things were as easy as coming up to you, telling you that I like you, asking you if you like me back, and getting an answer. If your answer were yes, I'd be badass happy. If you're anwer were no though, we could still go on like usual and I can just drop the whole thing altogether. I'd figure you're not into me and we'd both move on and not be awkward.
But really, I can cross my fingers for three lifetimes and still not have that happen, the no part at least. I know I said the magic has gone along with the butterflies in the tummy, but that's just egotistical me trying to put on a winning face because a month into it and you still haven't shown clear signs that you're into me. As much as I'd want to be not into you anymore, I still am. And it sucks that I'm not sure about you. Bah, have dinner with me :|
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Month-end Reports and Olats Boys
I came home early tonight. By 8PM i was through with dinner. I hurriedly went up the stairs and plugged my computer to the internet. 8PM just feels so early cos last night I got home 1030, all sore and embarrassed for having fallen asleep in the middle of yoga class.
Anyhoo, now I look up the clock on the wall in front of me and I figure it's almost 11. One window has Friendcess, birthday girl in a little over an hour's time and is cramming an end month report like crazy -- and may I add, contemplating on doing feasib all over again if that's what it takes to ditch the month end report. That bad.
In the middle of this conversation of work, and that passion word yuppies ever so carelessly throw around, and random stuff sleepy people talk about, I brag about my freaky stalker skills. And then there was sharing of photos and first impressions. All of a sudden, Friendcess says the word olats and debunks this thing about me and the scruffy men. It's just weird. All this time, I thought I knew what I liked. Haha.
For the uninitiated, scruffy in real person version is Vince Chase of Entourage -- facial hair, no-fuss hairdo, and overall laidback look. I like this on guys because if you can still look hot even you are "dirty-looking" with all the facial hair, then you must be something. Scruffy is always good for me.
I thought Bboy was a fluke. And then Friendcess with the newsflash, Hey KatC You Have a Radar for a Certain Type of Boys -- the quiet, friendless, and perennially brooding ones. Hmmm.
Ooh, Almost Happy Birthday Friendcess! :) Cheers to party lines! Woot woot!
Anyhoo, now I look up the clock on the wall in front of me and I figure it's almost 11. One window has Friendcess, birthday girl in a little over an hour's time and is cramming an end month report like crazy -- and may I add, contemplating on doing feasib all over again if that's what it takes to ditch the month end report. That bad.
In the middle of this conversation of work, and that passion word yuppies ever so carelessly throw around, and random stuff sleepy people talk about, I brag about my freaky stalker skills. And then there was sharing of photos and first impressions. All of a sudden, Friendcess says the word olats and debunks this thing about me and the scruffy men. It's just weird. All this time, I thought I knew what I liked. Haha.
For the uninitiated, scruffy in real person version is Vince Chase of Entourage -- facial hair, no-fuss hairdo, and overall laidback look. I like this on guys because if you can still look hot even you are "dirty-looking" with all the facial hair, then you must be something. Scruffy is always good for me.
I thought Bboy was a fluke. And then Friendcess with the newsflash, Hey KatC You Have a Radar for a Certain Type of Boys -- the quiet, friendless, and perennially brooding ones. Hmmm.
Ooh, Almost Happy Birthday Friendcess! :) Cheers to party lines! Woot woot!
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
What do you really want.
I remember Ted Mosby saying, if you're really honest with yourself with what you want out of life, life gives it to you.
What happens to those who are clueless? Please don't say they get screwed.
***
Today is a happy day. For the most part, I got what I wished for. Oddly though, the more I got to know, the more I figured it was turning out differently from how I thought it would. I guess that is the magic of not knowing, this really ideal version with pretty much everything you hoped for. I asked a lot of questions today and I got answers to pretty much all of them. I never said I liked all the answers I got, but asking questions are fun. I just wish everyday was as easygoing as today.
Knowing takes out the magic, but I think today took out just the right of amount of magic -- fun with the butterflies in the tummy, but homey and comforting as well :)
What happens to those who are clueless? Please don't say they get screwed.
***
Today is a happy day. For the most part, I got what I wished for. Oddly though, the more I got to know, the more I figured it was turning out differently from how I thought it would. I guess that is the magic of not knowing, this really ideal version with pretty much everything you hoped for. I asked a lot of questions today and I got answers to pretty much all of them. I never said I liked all the answers I got, but asking questions are fun. I just wish everyday was as easygoing as today.
Knowing takes out the magic, but I think today took out just the right of amount of magic -- fun with the butterflies in the tummy, but homey and comforting as well :)
Friday, October 03, 2008
To my favorite Kleenex boy
In a weird and twisted off chance that you might be reading this, here’s a little piece of my mind,
***
The last time you were here, I was holding back like crazy -- I only mustered a single, lame and super short conversation and well, 2 attempts to see you. Short visits to the room you were in, hidden behind loosely disguised attempts to ask the boss legit work questions. The room which, by the way, smelled insanely like you. I hate that smell. Everywhere I go, it finds its way to my nose and I am reminded of how madly I want to be with you. I don't remember anything you did to wow me, I was just drawn to you. I guess that's the magic of this whole shebang.
So yeah, given the abrupt hello and goodbye, I guess that's it for us and this insane drumming in my chest. Goodbye little BBoy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
