This morning I woke up around 5ish, in my still very dark bedroom and the cold Christmas-y morning air. My drearm, a very vivid one, came to an abrupt end. I was smiling when I woke up and seriously thought to myself, "I should really write this down, this may be the next 'Twilight' and my foray into writing superstardom" Yes, I think these thoughts at 5 in the morning :p
(Random sidebar re Twilight and Stephanie Meyer. I know Twilight is one of the most detested movies of all time but I found an interesting story about its author, Ms. Meyer, the other day. She apparently was a receptionist who dreamt of someday writing a novel. She was 28 and already had 3 kids. One day she dreamt a vivid dream that had vampires and werewolves and some weird inter-species love affair. She wrote her novel and wrote 15 proposal letters to 15 different publishing houses. she got 9 rejections, 5 no replies, until finally Writer's House decided to buy the rights to her book. She refused a lump sum USD750K payment and opted for a royalties-based payment scheme. The Twilight series has sold over a few million copies and earned over a billion in box office. Suffice it to say, Ms. Meyer's weird dream has her now swimming in unbelievable fortune, thanks to her audacity. There's that, now back to MY reality)
I remember pretty much every detail to my dream when I woke up this morning. Now just a few hours after when I sat down to write about it (in the hopes of coming up with another 'Twilight') I have very little idea what went on in the dream. This is me trying to piece it together.
I was on a writing camp, of course with several other writers. It was in an out of town sprawling property with pretty houses, surrounded with beautifully manicured lawns. The characters in the story were all interesting to me, all very witty, all have interesting opinions about the things I like, which is mostly TV and movies. In a nutshell it was 'dream team' of sorts to me haha. There as this one really tall guy, let's call him Tall Guy, in the group (you know it was going this direction) who I noticed since the beginning of the dream. I thought he was too pretty for me so I never really bothered. (Shet, even in my own dreams I have self-esteem issues!)
Somehow the group found itself in a car and Tall Guy (as dreams go) was seated across me (what kinda car exactly we were driving and how we can sit across each other kinda boggles me, too). Out of the blue, Tall Guy randomly says to me, "I've always thought you were beautiful" #ForTheWIN (This is turning out to be too much of a Kate Hudson romcom)
Then we end up talking the day away. He likes TV and movies, he likes reading, he's witty (he probably sounds bland and generic in this description but believe me, Tall Guy was really fascinating in the dream). Tall Guy is/was such a doll. THEN I WOKE UP.
To try to finish the dream/story (or my Twilight-in-the-making) I thought up some reason to make it exciting. I live in Baguio and he lives in uh, Davao? So we can't be together? That's uh, new.
Okay maybe this dream isn't my 'Twlight'. Haha.
(On the upside though, Tall Guy telling me he thought I was pretty, kinda made my day. Okay, now I feel weird announcing that on this blog. Blush. Haha. Well, dream is maybe no Twilight or ticket to writing superstardom, but I could always use a happy thought. Hmm, I wonder if that means I'll be meeting Tall Guy any time soon? :)
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Almost 25yo Tries to Figure It Out
I'm just trying to find out whether I can still write. There's that and also trying to make word pictures and concrete thoughts from the abstract feelings and ideas all swimming and fighting for space in my head. A good number of things happened in the very recent past and my brain has been fighting for ways to make sense of all of it.
I'm trying not to sound melodramatic but I unfortunately am not succeeding thus far. If it is anyway implied in the last three sentences, I'd just like to clear some possible misreadings of this post. There has been no breakup, no grave illness, nor God forbid, no death to set this off. I quit my job less than 20 days ago. Well, I guess that just kills all potential excitement of this post.
I know that's trivial for most, not a show stopper for anyone. It's just that this decision came at a point in my life when everything feels so tentative. I've never felt so out in the cold like this, ever. I feel like everything is rushing towards me and I am too surprised to do anything.
All these feelings of uncertainty have, of course, a lot to do with the decision to quit my job. But I think this has more to do with turning 25 and living with the expectations, both real and imagined, from a grown woman, a real adult. I feel so pressured to clean up, to live a manicured glossy life, to live like the people on my TV shows.
I don't even know who sets the rules but somehow I am bound by it. Maybe all the thinking is magnifying the thoughts. As it is always said, "what you focus on grows". And just as my brain is on this overdrive, my brain chooses to see colleagues getting married, old classmates raising children, people my age jetsetting all over, meeting important people, pursuing their passion with so much certainty, cleaning up so well -- and in my head, just pretty much doing things I am not doing and looking like they've got it all figured out.
I know a huge chunk of all these thoughts are assumptions my brain has chosen to make to support my theories and may or may not be true. The pressure can be both real or just imagined. But either way, it's eating at me and it's feeding on my paranoia. I want to talk about it with someone but I'd propbably have no idea what to say.
Now I feel this compelling need to run away from it all. But now, unlike a bad teacher in college whose class I can just skip, there's no skipping this one. The pressure just nags at me until I actually know what to do with it. The thing is, I don't know what to do with it.
It may be at the very very back of my mind, but I know these are but roabumps on the journey and that this has a happy ending. But this hope is somehow overpowered by the mob rule in my head that is irrational thinking. I know I'm supposed to enjoy the journey so that the happy ending is sweeter but my stubborn brain refuses to relent and still chooses to flail around and panic.
I wish I could get a sneak preview into my next three years, know that by then all THIS has been worth it, that then all my fears were assuaged and dealt with. But I can't so I have to descipline my brain to JUST BELIEVE that it will all work out in the end.
The tunnel may be long but there is definitely the light at the end of it will be beautiful. REPEAT UNTIL BRAIN UNDERSTANDS.
I'm trying not to sound melodramatic but I unfortunately am not succeeding thus far. If it is anyway implied in the last three sentences, I'd just like to clear some possible misreadings of this post. There has been no breakup, no grave illness, nor God forbid, no death to set this off. I quit my job less than 20 days ago. Well, I guess that just kills all potential excitement of this post.
I know that's trivial for most, not a show stopper for anyone. It's just that this decision came at a point in my life when everything feels so tentative. I've never felt so out in the cold like this, ever. I feel like everything is rushing towards me and I am too surprised to do anything.
All these feelings of uncertainty have, of course, a lot to do with the decision to quit my job. But I think this has more to do with turning 25 and living with the expectations, both real and imagined, from a grown woman, a real adult. I feel so pressured to clean up, to live a manicured glossy life, to live like the people on my TV shows.
I don't even know who sets the rules but somehow I am bound by it. Maybe all the thinking is magnifying the thoughts. As it is always said, "what you focus on grows". And just as my brain is on this overdrive, my brain chooses to see colleagues getting married, old classmates raising children, people my age jetsetting all over, meeting important people, pursuing their passion with so much certainty, cleaning up so well -- and in my head, just pretty much doing things I am not doing and looking like they've got it all figured out.
I know a huge chunk of all these thoughts are assumptions my brain has chosen to make to support my theories and may or may not be true. The pressure can be both real or just imagined. But either way, it's eating at me and it's feeding on my paranoia. I want to talk about it with someone but I'd propbably have no idea what to say.
Now I feel this compelling need to run away from it all. But now, unlike a bad teacher in college whose class I can just skip, there's no skipping this one. The pressure just nags at me until I actually know what to do with it. The thing is, I don't know what to do with it.
It may be at the very very back of my mind, but I know these are but roabumps on the journey and that this has a happy ending. But this hope is somehow overpowered by the mob rule in my head that is irrational thinking. I know I'm supposed to enjoy the journey so that the happy ending is sweeter but my stubborn brain refuses to relent and still chooses to flail around and panic.
I wish I could get a sneak preview into my next three years, know that by then all THIS has been worth it, that then all my fears were assuaged and dealt with. But I can't so I have to descipline my brain to JUST BELIEVE that it will all work out in the end.
The tunnel may be long but there is definitely the light at the end of it will be beautiful. REPEAT UNTIL BRAIN UNDERSTANDS.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Make Today Your November 1
Finally managed to meet with Crisela with Gabb and Dan last Friday for an overdue dinner. The dinner was supposedly set at 7PM but someone, ahem *me*, managed to be late by 3 solid hours. Pretty long story, but just so I don't sound like a horrible flaky friend, I just want to put it out there that I travelled all the way from Alabang to Shangri-la in the awful awful Friday North-bound C5 traffic. That's as far as my excuse will go :p
The Biannual Date
I was just all too happy to see Crisela the second time this year. The second of the two times I see her in a year -- the first before the first Law school sem starts and the other once during sembreak. I must've missed her a lot it didn't take a lot of warm up for me to just word vomit all the stories I have been saving for this "date" with her. By golly, my monologue was practically 2ish hours long! And Crisela being the very very good friend that she is just nodded the night away. Where the 2 boys were the whole time you ask? Asleep by the soft armchairs by Coffee Bean. Forrealz. Haha, I guess they were really tired.
The NaNoWriMo
One of my 2 million stories to Crisela was about the NaNoWriMo. It stands for "National Novel Writing Month" and I was telling her that I stumbled upon it the other day while I was trawling the internet. NaNoWriMo is an online support group (as far as I undertand it -- If anyone involved with the NaNoWriMo feels I got the idea wrong, my apologies and I'd be happy to edit the blog post if needed :) for aspiring novelists. In a nutshell, November IS the national novel writing month and the goal is to start writing by November 1 and finish a 50,000-word novel by November 30.
I was very fascinated by the idea of accomplishing writing a novel but I had a "BUT". I told Crisela I wanted to join in the novel writing BUT they started in November and it's already November 4, and I'm 3 days behind. I must've have sounded like I really wanted to do it BUT the only thing stopping me from writing was the 3-day lag I have behind everyone else.
My November 1
Crisela looked at me, closed her eyes for a bit and gave me that smile. It was a smile that told me "you know you know this but you make it sound like you don't get it so I'll tell you anyway".
And then she said one of the best life advise I've ever had given me -- THEN MAKE TODAY YOUR NOVEMBER 1 :) You can't keep sitting around waiting for the perfect moment to come. You want to spend a month writing a novel and it's not November 1? Write today and make today your November 1.
YOU ARE A GIFT :)
Nothing like a real best friend that reads you so crazy spot on, it's creepy and amazing at the same time. I loved that dinner so much because it reminded me again why Crisela will always be that one whose friendship I will keep coming back to.
Your are a gift. And for that, I will always say thank you :)
The Biannual Date
I was just all too happy to see Crisela the second time this year. The second of the two times I see her in a year -- the first before the first Law school sem starts and the other once during sembreak. I must've missed her a lot it didn't take a lot of warm up for me to just word vomit all the stories I have been saving for this "date" with her. By golly, my monologue was practically 2ish hours long! And Crisela being the very very good friend that she is just nodded the night away. Where the 2 boys were the whole time you ask? Asleep by the soft armchairs by Coffee Bean. Forrealz. Haha, I guess they were really tired.
The NaNoWriMo
One of my 2 million stories to Crisela was about the NaNoWriMo. It stands for "National Novel Writing Month" and I was telling her that I stumbled upon it the other day while I was trawling the internet. NaNoWriMo is an online support group (as far as I undertand it -- If anyone involved with the NaNoWriMo feels I got the idea wrong, my apologies and I'd be happy to edit the blog post if needed :) for aspiring novelists. In a nutshell, November IS the national novel writing month and the goal is to start writing by November 1 and finish a 50,000-word novel by November 30.
I was very fascinated by the idea of accomplishing writing a novel but I had a "BUT". I told Crisela I wanted to join in the novel writing BUT they started in November and it's already November 4, and I'm 3 days behind. I must've have sounded like I really wanted to do it BUT the only thing stopping me from writing was the 3-day lag I have behind everyone else.
My November 1
Crisela looked at me, closed her eyes for a bit and gave me that smile. It was a smile that told me "you know you know this but you make it sound like you don't get it so I'll tell you anyway".
And then she said one of the best life advise I've ever had given me -- THEN MAKE TODAY YOUR NOVEMBER 1 :) You can't keep sitting around waiting for the perfect moment to come. You want to spend a month writing a novel and it's not November 1? Write today and make today your November 1.
YOU ARE A GIFT :)
Nothing like a real best friend that reads you so crazy spot on, it's creepy and amazing at the same time. I loved that dinner so much because it reminded me again why Crisela will always be that one whose friendship I will keep coming back to.
Your are a gift. And for that, I will always say thank you :)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
And...She's Alive!
Hello readers of this blog, old and new! Kid's alive! Hello hello :)
Haven't been here in a while and I miss this little tiny corner of the interweb dedicated to all things uh, me. Man, I miss writing! I have all these random stories in my head I am itching to write about but, I'm pulling out the oldest blogger's excuse, "I never find the time."
Also, they put up a firewall in the office internet so since, there have been no random blog posts at 9 in the morning. Too bad for me... but good news for my company I guess? Haha.
This is just me a dropping a line, sending a message to this side of the interweb to say that, "Hey, I'm still alive!" For the 3 people that read the blog, I will still be writing. So yay, I guess :p
Well, "life kinda happened", so my online storytelling sessions had to take a little breather. Willl be back soon! This blog will see stories over the long weekend :)
Ciao for now. Good night!
Haven't been here in a while and I miss this little tiny corner of the interweb dedicated to all things uh, me. Man, I miss writing! I have all these random stories in my head I am itching to write about but, I'm pulling out the oldest blogger's excuse, "I never find the time."
Also, they put up a firewall in the office internet so since, there have been no random blog posts at 9 in the morning. Too bad for me... but good news for my company I guess? Haha.
This is just me a dropping a line, sending a message to this side of the interweb to say that, "Hey, I'm still alive!" For the 3 people that read the blog, I will still be writing. So yay, I guess :p
Well, "life kinda happened", so my online storytelling sessions had to take a little breather. Willl be back soon! This blog will see stories over the long weekend :)
Ciao for now. Good night!
Friday, September 16, 2011
UP Pep Squad for the UAAP 2011 Cheerdance Competition!
I miss UP. And I feel bad I won't get to watch the UAAP Cheerdance competition live this year. But that's not to say I am not cheering for the UP Pep with all my heart. I am cheering for the UP Pep Squad with all my heart even thought I will be far away from Araneta this Saturday :)
Here's to the hope that the UP Pep will bag the Championship AGAIN this year! LET'S GO UP! FIGHT!
Wow, just saying UP FIGHT! again made me all goosebump-y! And yeah, I think the future of the UP Pep Squad still looks super bright this year. Time to bring out the shades again, kids! :D
Here's to the hope that the UP Pep will bag the Championship AGAIN this year! LET'S GO UP! FIGHT!
Wow, just saying UP FIGHT! again made me all goosebump-y! And yeah, I think the future of the UP Pep Squad still looks super bright this year. Time to bring out the shades again, kids! :D
Getting ready for The Big Bang Theory for Fall Season 2011!
Found this treasure on Tumblr and it really made my day! Thank you fyeahbigbagtheorygifs! Mark your calendars kids, BBT comes back on air on Sep 22! Leonard and Sheldon and the gang in a few more shakes! Can't waittt.
The Big Bang Theory Season 4 Blooper Reel
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Not Cleaning Up So Well
(This is a drama post. There might be some rhyming and rhetoric and some painful plea for attention. You have been warned.)
Some days I feel like a sell out. Today is a "some day". I wonder why I'm not pursuing a burning life passion. I know I'm not doing so bad. It's just that as I grow older, I feel a lot more pressure to make sense of my life, to make sure I am living a life that matters.
And yes, I know perfectly well that these are big ass motherhood statements that have no definite answers. I know very well that "making sense of my life" and "living a life that matters" are measured against some standard I hold against myself. Yes, there are constructs society puts up but it still is up to me whether I will consider that my life has actually "made sense" or "mattered".
I am asking these questions because I am wondering why I didn't choose these other choices. I have a pretty good idea why I am doing what I am doing right now. Wait, I take that back. I have very little idea why I am doing what I am doing right now. (So many why's, it's not even funny anymore.) It's not to say one option is a better choice than the other. It's just growing up just means asking all these questions and crossing your fingers you get answers. Growing up also means being able to live with not getting the answers.
I ask why I am not teaching snotty 3-year olds for the sheer love of children. Or for the burning belief that education is so very important I will dedicate my life to is. I ask why I am not playing drums for a band and getting paid with free dinners, why I am not overcome by an all-consuming love for music. I ask why I am not a professional tennis player, why I didn't consider that an option.
I ask why I am not a writer, why I don't throw all my cares to the wind, spend my nights and days in artistic stupor, and not stop writing until I get my book published. I ask why I did not push through with the move to Biology. Yes, sometime in my sophomore year in college, I seriously considered shifting to Biology to pursue medicine. Why I chickened out and did not even try, why I did not even fill out shifting forms, I do not know until now. But yeah, mostly because the idea was too daunting, the idea too big, the thought of the move too scary.
I ask why I did not take up Sociology. I enjoy the social sciences immensely but I cannot find it in me to commit four years of my life to studying the social sciences. It was not a question of interest, it was more of a question of a big enough "why". I ask why I did not do anything about that "wanting to do theater" feeling I had back in college. I wonder how life would've turned out for me, if I ever did. Will I have liked it because that secret "thespian" has been laying dormant inside of me all this time? Or will I have gotten tired of it 3 months into it because again, it was all about the novelty for me?
I guess unless I get to answer "why I do what I do now" with at least a semblance of certainty, I have a pretty strong feeling the questions will keep eating at me for a long while.
Some days I feel like a sell out. Today is a "some day". I wonder why I'm not pursuing a burning life passion. I know I'm not doing so bad. It's just that as I grow older, I feel a lot more pressure to make sense of my life, to make sure I am living a life that matters.
And yes, I know perfectly well that these are big ass motherhood statements that have no definite answers. I know very well that "making sense of my life" and "living a life that matters" are measured against some standard I hold against myself. Yes, there are constructs society puts up but it still is up to me whether I will consider that my life has actually "made sense" or "mattered".
I am asking these questions because I am wondering why I didn't choose these other choices. I have a pretty good idea why I am doing what I am doing right now. Wait, I take that back. I have very little idea why I am doing what I am doing right now. (So many why's, it's not even funny anymore.) It's not to say one option is a better choice than the other. It's just growing up just means asking all these questions and crossing your fingers you get answers. Growing up also means being able to live with not getting the answers.
I ask why I am not teaching snotty 3-year olds for the sheer love of children. Or for the burning belief that education is so very important I will dedicate my life to is. I ask why I am not playing drums for a band and getting paid with free dinners, why I am not overcome by an all-consuming love for music. I ask why I am not a professional tennis player, why I didn't consider that an option.
I ask why I am not a writer, why I don't throw all my cares to the wind, spend my nights and days in artistic stupor, and not stop writing until I get my book published. I ask why I did not push through with the move to Biology. Yes, sometime in my sophomore year in college, I seriously considered shifting to Biology to pursue medicine. Why I chickened out and did not even try, why I did not even fill out shifting forms, I do not know until now. But yeah, mostly because the idea was too daunting, the idea too big, the thought of the move too scary.
I ask why I did not take up Sociology. I enjoy the social sciences immensely but I cannot find it in me to commit four years of my life to studying the social sciences. It was not a question of interest, it was more of a question of a big enough "why". I ask why I did not do anything about that "wanting to do theater" feeling I had back in college. I wonder how life would've turned out for me, if I ever did. Will I have liked it because that secret "thespian" has been laying dormant inside of me all this time? Or will I have gotten tired of it 3 months into it because again, it was all about the novelty for me?
I guess unless I get to answer "why I do what I do now" with at least a semblance of certainty, I have a pretty strong feeling the questions will keep eating at me for a long while.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Note to Self
Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
Make all your friends feel there is something special in them.
Look at the sunny side of everything.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give everyone a smile.
Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others.
Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.
- Christian D. Larsen
Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
Make all your friends feel there is something special in them.
Look at the sunny side of everything.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give everyone a smile.
Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others.
Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.
- Christian D. Larsen
Monday, September 05, 2011
Some Monday Mornings Need A Little Help To Start
Not to dampen anyone's day, I just feel like I have to get this out of my system - woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I can't say I don't know why I'm not feeling so super, but I feel so stupid with my reason so I'm not saying. Not one to be dragged down by this not so super start to today, I am finding ways to be a little more chipper than I am.
If you're not having the best day yourself, this one's for you, too. Get ready for our collective swoon in 3..2..1.
You're welcome :)
If you're not having the best day yourself, this one's for you, too. Get ready for our collective swoon in 3..2..1.
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| Thank you, Tumblr. Look at those puppy dog eyes (yeah, after looking at the abs hahaha) |
You're welcome :)
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