my day today

as planned, Mahal and i were on our way to the hospital at 8-ish. from the free ride from dad, and the bugging of the meddling hosplital front guard, we finally made our way to the Blood Bank with Sammy's Mum. the intern took our weight, then pricked and took blod from the ring finger and let blood drip into this blue solution. mine and Aga's didn't sink -- translation: low hemoglobin, no can do. so yeah, we were both rejected blood donors :(

i couldn't explain how i felt. more than anything, it was probably embarassment from being there and not being of any help. helplessness sucks. i didn't know what to say to the Mum. gahd, she needed 12 donors -- and the first two that came, rejected, ugh.

anyway, after a quick visit to sleeping Sammy in his room, we imediately left the hospital. rode the jeep to EDSA, then in less than ten minutes we were at EDSA Central. *this is a happy deviation to the gloomy entry :)* Mahal and i went around like two happy gradeschoolers wandering through the many stores they had lined there. it was like a mini-date, yeah at ten on a sunday morning :) i wished i brought the cam. zagu, the P3 hopia we bought, and the long wait we spent inside the FX that took 3 days before take off would all have looked realy nice on foto :)

hay, i missed Mahal.

flang.flang.flang.flang...

was home about two hours ago. i weirdly feel sore all over. Econ second long exam was at ten this morning, and like the first.. kaboom.

i have been distracted the entire week and i don't think i have spent at least an hour sitting still to read. i was all over the place, always finding something to get my hands on -- of course, things not having anything to do with learning for Econ. hay, ADD sucks when a you're a college kid in Business School.

yesterday for my four-hour long break, din't even get to finish my reading quota of chapter5. was supposed to finish Mankiw during that loooong break -- but i didn't. i ended up writing lyrics of Alanis' songs from my iPod. then, class was til 7p. and that wasn't it yet. came home, ate dinner... then i don't know what else happend to the three more hours i had left. i just checked my mail, then next thing i know it was 1a. so i had to go to bed. i slept in the hopes that i'll be refreshed when i wake up.

then today. i woke up with this weird heavy feeling -- so yeah suffice it to say, didn't really get to study the sample exam. then on my way to school, i was to dizzy in the FX to even look at the green paper (the key to wonderful scores.) came in pretty early, so i got talk to Jessa nd ask her stuff.

anyway, story too long.

met Rach for lunch at Bos. and well, spent the rest of the day there. with two chapters of HR, one breakfast meal (hungarian was tooo tasty for my bland preference), oreo cheesecake and chcolate mousse before we left. wow, am loving Bo's now :)

i've been putting this off since i started typing -- am donating blood tomorrow, for Sammy. apparently he's back to the hospital and needing 12 donors. i have no idea why i am very bent on going. and now am scared -- they're getting blood from me, injecting me with their needles, and who knows.

Lord, i know you want positive reinforcement

and not passive submission.

this is my first shot.

help. please increase my faith.

life jitters

1) i love my dad. well,there were times i get totally frustrated with him -- exasperated even. i was seriously thinking he's gone bonkers with all the hormones they shot him with. sometimes his logic is incredible, incredibly nuts. then his temper -- totally driving me and mum crazy. but when he told me he will support me if i want to study four more years -- i realized he was still the same old dad who loves me for real :) no one else gets my strategy than he does. i loved him more when he said he wants to equip me for the battle ahead of me -- even if it means sacrifices for him, four more years of tuition, and for me too, opportunity loss for earning. but yeah, he gets it. couldn't have said it any better :)

dad and i @mcdonalds Tagaytay

2) two of the things i totally loathe are (a) waking up really early and (b) doing math. so yeah, you can just imagine how appalled i am at my 7am 182 class. am thankful though, that sir kinda makes it worth waking up early and doing math thaaaat early. ooh, almost fogot the bibo factor. it's slowly getting to me, both in the good and in the appaling way. am disgusted at the thought, but yeah it's pushing me to read and study more. i won't say am liking it, but yeah -- it's doing me some good.

3) tuesday was last Law reporting day for my group. and yes, i learned what i should learn. like a said, a thousand more chances. i hope i learn that emotions should not get in the way next time. better days are ahead :)

4) everything i do points to one disgusting thing -- i suck at commitments. all kinds, man, all kinds. i always see the bad in everything. basta, i always end up disappointed, laging wanting. i don't like doing dirty work, i just want to see the glossy side of everything. i always forget, the good things are fruits of hard work. so yeah, i guess unless i learn to get down and dirty, i have zero rights to be in any form of commitment. prolly in time i'll learn, i hope.

5) i am swept with this weird sense of responsibility over my life, and it's overwhelming me more than i could handle. in months time i have to decide about the kind of career i want to take on. and gahd, if in case i get off school and start working i'll be like a realreal adult. i'd have to fend for myself, make mature decisons, and generally be responsible for my life and however it turns out to be. i could be just bonkers AND going extremely paranoid. Lord, increase my faith :)

movie maker went kaput on me

i have no idea why i volunteered to take on this video editing work. 1) am not creative 2) i suck at working computers except only for Word 3)i don't really like video editing. well prolly because i wasnt at the shoot and i kinda felt obliged to do the other things left to do. so yeah, my hands are full with 10++ videos to put music on.

i've been on this since yesterday and it wasn't exactly a breeze. last night, i have restarted the coputer 5times, cussed more times, and wished Movie Maker would give me a chance. well, needless to say, but i will -- you know me :P, it forced its will and went kaput. i just don't know why my "technologies" go bonkers everytime i use them for productive, academic purposes. lets take the Internet for example. it works perfectly everytime i check friendster, upload fotos, download useless stuff to clog my pc memory, check random emails, and other things that will not add value to my life -- haha, joke lang to, for poetic purposes lang. but no, when i need to send v. IMPORTANT (can you feel the urgency, i had to make it all caps) emails, we either run out of internet card, OR Internet Explorer just won't budge. hay. and this is not the first time i wrote about this frustating phenomenon of my life. and now, pati programs ng pc pag for academic purposes, ayaw narin. aaaaaaaa!

it's not all sad and gloomy though. the non-academic purposes of the pc's kinda making me smile kahit pano. like yesterday, i finally learned to work Limewire! despite the warnings given me by computer hygeine freaks (i-don't-want-any-virus-on-my-coputer-so-i-say-no-to-limewire aka paolo valdez :P) i sill went on. and yesterday was pure download bliss! :) say it after me -- Ikot, Breakdown, Walking After You, brighter than Sunshine, Inoj,Put Your Record On, No Letting go, ORdinary People, Alanis Morisette, MJ Blige, Maria Mena. weeee! i can go on and on :)the sad part though, is that the left ear of Shuffle jus went off. i have yet to my find my way to a new pair of earphones... OR a new iPod! *rubs palms together* bwahaha. convenient birthday gift excuse :P Lord, minsan lang po ako humingi ng expensive gifts cos you know i really don't. Puhleeeaase?:)




isa pang happy note. endorphins from chocolates are the best! :) and i think the endorphins will be staying (and overcoming pms) for a while. we're kinda swimming in chocolates and peanut butter since the balikabayan box came. and since grocery day was just a few days ago, my two favorite *happinesses are sharing house space -- Kebler and Swiss Miss Milkshake! weeee! :) Dyosko, hello hips -- shun the fat! shun the fat! haha.

eto mej introspective mood -- now it made me think: what was i doing last year wasting precious time acting all angsty about life? when i can't survive a day without laughing (guffawing even :P), what was i doing b*atching about everything? hay, life changes. am happy am happy again :)

hello self. you'll die without laughter. don't forget to, okay? :)
sttick with happy people. and help make pms-y, angsty, depressed people be happy. haha.


finally, now with so much more conviction -- it's all good! :)

i love you Sabado :)

finally, sabado! :D

para wag ko makalimutan -- other career options :P, on working in groups, and happy birthday sammy. cos when i start writiting, i get so caugth up i forget why i wanted to write in the first place! :P

• the other day i was thinking again my life after business school -- yes, am paranoid like that. then thursday, aga and i were talking random things over biscuits and siopao for lunch. he was telling me about how he's liking and disliking ComRes at the same time. i pipe in saying at this time in BA am not even sure if i reallyreally like what am doing. again i think about what i would rather be doing instead of staying in an aircon office all day. i remembered back in freshie college i took an Anthropology class and two months into it i was seriously thinking of wanting to do that all my life. i loved that it was very unconventional and not the norm -- going to tribespeople and spending a year with them to study their life, being interviewed on TV and telling people what the Tasadays do, stuff like that. and then i also wanted to become a journalist. back in grade school, everyone was telling me i should be that. the i was thinking maybe i should be a writer for a glamor magazine, interviewing people, spilling my guts out for problem girls to read -- a la Andy in How To Lose. haha. and then i was jolted back to real life when the thought came to me like a light bulb moment -- i have to/need to live the structured life. isipin ko pa kung bakit, pero i know i just have to.

• i've been a big b*atch. well, not really. i was trying to be rational but i ended up escalating my commitment -- a little too much. then suddenly, i wasn't the Justice League person correcting the wrongs, i was the monster they're trying to fight. i've always been bad at group works. the only group i've worked with successfully (well, relative to my other groups :P) is my home group. *mush :p something's prolly wrong with the people i work with, but at the rate things are going, am sure there are stuff i need to work on, too. one more year, a thousand more chances. Lord, help.

• happy birthday sammy -- i was really apprehensive about going. i heard about it from Neng, she said 'everyone's' going. so regardless kung friends kame, it's perfectly finethat i go. muntik pang di ako matuloy. i was supposed to go with Jamie but a few hours before, plans were getting muddled. but yeah, we still ended up going, and i was really glad i went :)

foto op: (clockwise) aiza, dianne, jamie, me, sammy,addie, cathy(mej hidden), mahal, joe-am, eds, borgie :)
it's always been like that -- just when i think it's going to be a bad night, it never fails to prove me wrong :) all the friggin' time! happy birthday sammy :)

idle preoccupations

i am a year away from real life. the lure of the corporate life is looming and a 9-5 job is haunting me. scarreh. incidentally, i've been stumbling upon countless accounts of the freelancer life. i read about it when i bloghop, accounts of the joys of a flexible schedule and how it totally flies thatyou can have a random spur of the moment dinner with friends, or lunch even. pretty shallow, but kinda flies for me. am also thinking about venturing into something creative like teaching, or whatever. i'd love to be a newsreporter, or a dj maybe, or a researcher, or a thespian.the romantic broke-but-i-don'tcare-am-happy knd of job satifsfaction -- ah, it's the movies' fault :P three years into business school and i just kaboom. this is just a phase. i think. i hope. well, 9-5 is not so bad.

isa pa. this morning i was sitting by the econ lib building lobby looking through the huge glass window peering out to the street between Malcolm and sunken. it was just beautiful. plus random thought. i remebered that time when i was walking right outside the bee-yoo-ti-ful glass window. from outside, it was just a bland, boring, brown glass window, so unlike the view it makes. wala lang, random thought like an unpretty person who looks at life the way the glass window looks out the canopy of trees outside. from outside uninteresting, but unaffected inside and has zero space for jaded. sometimes i just wish life were like that.

one more concern is about that. am not very sure if that is where i want to be. it's the feel, i just plain don't fit. i need to find something to keep me busy. i need a 'preoccupation.' i need to do somethng i love to do. i need to be proud of something. absent pa eh. Lord, please :)

**my two happy thignums:

1. good internet connection! weee!:)
2. tet sent the best pick-me-upper message :)

**i got to this song Ikot by Stonefree. mehn, am hooked. the words are just right, onting mush but with so much truth. alavet :)

writing itch

on top of my must-write things is the wedding :) am not such a fan of weddings, or marriage for that matter, but my cousin's wedding was really fun.
action-packed man ang week before they finallyfinally tied the knot, it was really ThankyouLord that everything went as planned. everything was in control, and mehn, food was gooood! :) loved the dress, felt all prom-ish all over again. and i haven't been dolled up in while, so it felt totally weird with my hair down and my headfull of bobby pins. and the makeup was pretty okay. weddings are good excuses to get fancy. i wish Ata and Kuya Rojs a happy life ahead of them :)

among other things sharing brainspace is going law school. the past days have seen me seriously contemplating about trying out. LAE's in a few months and asking God about making me pass if He wants me in doesn't really sound like a good deal to me. for one, i hate the idea of not going in because i din't pass -- pride issues:P more importantly, am considering the long term life repercussions of the decision.


Question to self #1: Am i okay with going for 4more years of school?
Question to self #2: Will i be a happy 40-year old lawyer?


at marami pa sigurong iba. life's hard, decisions are harder. mehn, quotable na naman! :P haha. anyway, the other day was isaw day with Neng. and because she was the friend that originally wanted to get to law school, i told her about my thoughts. we were both like, mehn, in a year we're graduating and i still don't know waht i want to do with my life. out of the blue, i said am thinking law school's prolly my way of delaying deciding about what to do with my life. me not wanting to get out of school because life's so much better here. i know i dread Mondays and how i have to get back to school work again, but inside of me i love it more because of the security it gives me. that another day means another lunch out, another case, another boring lecture, more of life's random realizations - never anything life-threatening like getting fired or whatever. real life is scaring me. and my time line says am a year away from getting there. ha, me and the weird way my brain works :P

isa pa. bible study kanina, well and the recent past weeks, was about how it is hard to live the Christian life. in my mind i was like, mehn, thas too difficult. i always say youth is an excuse to not make a stand, to go with the flow, and not be affected by adult stuf. i ended up making too many compromises. what stuck me form earlier was that God knows my struggles, and the dificulty is no excuse to just quit and pretend there's no difference. when Jesus said, do good to your enemies, they all went "increase our faith." and i realized that was something i never asked for. i always jsut shrug things away and said i can't, but i never asked to be increased in faith. well, Lord i hope it's not to late -- please increase my faith. :)

my belated am-starting-the-new-year-right entry

i have , for the past week or so, been trying to shove the idea of the new year back up my brain as just another holiday. just today i realized, last year was something. it was a show of a lot of things about myself i din't know of. yeah, including this overly emo side :P


last year was a mandatory you-have-no-choice-but-to-grow-up year. yes, the bitter falling out was all part of it and caused a lot of other things i didn't think was part of me. there was being part of a team, a special partnership hehe, my bad realtionship skillls and how i strangle anybody am with.. and well, how i drive them nuts :P, loss, denial, anger, hatred, trying to get over, pretending to be alright even when it was killing me inside, finally getting over and moving on, and picking up the pieces again and finding the resilience i had inside of me. i din't know i had that kind of strength inside me. thank you Lord for sustaining me :)


there was also Tet leaving, moving out of the country. and their family did this just when i started thinking i found that person i was looking for in all the friendships i've been in. there's me trying to get over and growing up, and knowing life doesn't happen the way you want it to. even when you plead God -- cos more than anything, His plan's bigger, better, and way out of the ordinary. tops mine all the time, and yeah, i don't take it against Him when His prevails :P


the bad things helped me find my real love -- writing :) i have been writing since i first learned about sentences and how to put them together, and i have screaming bad, icky gradeschool diaries to prove that. i kinda took writing seriously (according to me :P) last year, opened new blogs, and started sharing my compositions for the entire online community to see. if not for all those icky things that happened, i wouldn't have found out about that lovely feeling i get when i read the things i write -- usually after a bad bout with pms. haha.


i write when am happy, i write when i feel bad, i write when am angsty, i write when am mad. i thank God i found out about the joys of writing last year. ranting is so much fun when done in writing, wonderful stress reliever as well. thank you to you, too, for all those horrible things i had to endure. because of you i turned to writing -- never been happier :)

last year, i found new friends, saw the happy part of college, tried working harder -- and playing harder :P, learned about myself so much, realized values on love + relationships -- and mind you, they're not all about romance :) i learned so much about friendships, working relationships, and my family.


but just like any other year, there also was much to be said about the wrong turns i took, and the wrong choices i made. for one, i was too involved emotionally, and then later too angry to be rational. i also had bouts with being stuck with the wrong priorities and not knowing how to get out of the rut i got into. so after the realizations, here's my hope list for the new year, fingers crossed for a better me, better year:

• stop cussing -- forget about those ugly words, scrap them outta ze vocab. in my head, or out loud -- its just the same.
• be more tolerant of everything -- this year also saw me losing patience over other people's differences. i became too idealistic, not making room for errors, and fussing over everything. ending? i am the most pissed being in the universe. this year, am hoping to be happier by not being to sissy.
• see more beauty -- its an option you know :)
• be more dedicated in all things
• pray more -- err.. pray :P and read the bible.
• be a happy thought fairy -- angsty is killing me. thinking all the time about anything and everything is tiring, especially hen they're bad thoughts. draining.
• know when too many issues mean to much -- haha mahirap to!
• give more love -- wuwi, came out too cheesy. but yeah, someone's gotta do it :P
• give out more compliments
• be happy company -- don't you just hate it when people's kwento are always depressing rants about everything? i don't wanna be.

back to the daily grind

so yeah, am chirpier now -- and better yet, less angsty. am kinda ready for my new year's chirpy entry, but my 7am class and 5a wakeup time are looming. fast forward of everything, will write tomorrow.

• am into my new years' to-be-thankful-for list
• 2006 events to remember -- whatever.
• thoughts to be noted
• pseudo- resolutions cook up -- i.e., save! + go out less :P

today was back to school and it was as if we never left. things were pretty much the same, the banters, mga winner hirits, and kahit much to my dismay, the profs with still no tricks.

my new year's starting to pick up :)

happy (?) new year...

so yeah, it's a new year. and in a less than 24 hours i'll be back in school. AGAIN.

i was never successful about the Finance reading marathon, did not finish reading Freakonomics, wasn't able to fix my gmail inbox and read through the important things there, rigged my chances at a new friendship, and basically screwed up at everything. wow. i suck at life. bigtime.
this isn't supposed to be my welcome thingum for the new year. i was really thinking happy thought fairy something -- but now i just can't.

there are so many things to be thankful for -- i'll really try my best to recount all those. really. pass lang muna ngayon.

i have no idea why i felt betrayed.

because more than anything,

i know i don't have any right to.

screw emotional involvement.