because i write in the mornings

1. i dont know how it happened, this entire normalcy in my working hours. i wake up early, join the folks for a quick walk/lame attmept at jogging, and then start working with my homework. just when i hit twenty, just when i was supposed to be acting all wasted and whacked, going home late drunk, and hitting on all the boys (haha, just had to add that :P) i am surprisingly (not basing on track record, but on expectations of people in their twenties with the freedom if a college kid and the money from the parents) behaving like a forty year old. not that it's entirely bad :) it's just that sometimes the rockstar life kind of has a poetic appeal. poetic appeal and more, at least relative to the homebody who watches dvds on sa saturday night.
2. i officially dislike Super Bowl. *gags* i have disliked Super Bowl for a while now. but yeasterday, since i had no choice, i had to eat there AGAIN. *gags again* food's pretty good naman, i just hate the smell of the place, and the entire chinese thing going on. *coughthatisNOTaracistremarkcough* and the smoke felt like they all went into my eyes. bad.
3. last night was Welcome Dinner. my first welcome dinner. Tetch from @ LC 03-04 who was OGXVP came back from a two-month traineeship in Tokyo. it was fun. dinasaur alumni (that wasnt from me :P) came and shared the dinner (and the bill, haha) with us. dinner people were Gladys LCP UPD, Bon, Tina ICX(?) UPD, Care MC, and Choey (with the pink palm, beacause real men wear pink *and do that peace sign on the right eye :P) the omnipresent alumnus from La Salle. ooh, mahal and jerick :)
4. fete was last night :( and after wishing to go for four years already, still havent seen the festival :(
5. tthe frigging global marketing book cannot be found anywhere. boo.

and i was happy... :)

i was floored. seriusly floored. rawr, i love him already :D i was amazed, awed, surprised, and now i want to shift+f7 to get all the other synonyms i cant exactly think of right now, ooh open-mouth-drooling. gahd, he was aaahhmeyzzhinggg! i can so feel just how ditzy this is, but heck...hmm, heck.

Sir Capili is the ultimate best :) yes, this was just about him. he came into my SEA 30 class and i was just floored. he was amazing, and the only identifiable emotion i can pin down was awe. he was rattling the schools he's been to (Tokyo U, Cambrige, Aus NU) and for that alone i should've already felt off. he went on to recount the things he's done for the university (i.e., raising 120m for the new CAL bldg), his famous (academic) friends, and i should've thought he was an ass. a really mayabang ass. but now, i dont know how he did it, but it didnt act up -- this thing i have for people and their gajillion achievements, and how they flaunt it. *drool* i still like him. hay, i think am a fan :) and now, am really excited about going to school on Thursday :D weeee!

moving rom one school thing to the next -- 18 units for me next sem! :) i really dont know how it happened. i guess it's when i have given up to hoping i have recourse, God shows up and tells me he cares :) yes, even about my school. i wrote last post about my SEA 30 dilemma and how it doesnt credit as an MST. but i thought i was doomed to 21 units for 2nd sem because last reg day was Friday. i couldnt even tell the 'rents about the thing. i put off telling for the weekend, because of father's day and all the weekend shiznitz we had. it was a happy weekend, btw, so divulging the dilemma = totaly off. so i just crossed my fingers, and told God this IS my big problem.

then monday. i finished my classes til 2.30p and then started fixing my wrong thing. i was walking for 30mins, like dere-derecho. from MSI, to CS, to NIGS, to Math, i was like everywhere. still no MST :( i came back to BA and hoped for 175. and pagod nako mag-story so... i got into 175! :D i seriously thought there was no changing my fate. yey!

isa pa -- my OpMan econ people are the happiest :) we were at Mcdo katip monday night for our tuesday homework. i was pretty confident we'd hit it off. cos the first time we met, they were all really accommodating and totally un-clique-ish. and i was right about them being nice :) yay to Jaymie, Mario, Kristel, Anica, Care, and Jared :)

ooh, last night was ym with markie! :D i still miss him. haaaay... skul :) ooh, am happy he's happy :D

what?

it was a weird/bad dream. am not even supposed to write about it. not even think.
this is baaad.

school so far

• since i got myself very involved (i.e., seriously going through readings, pondering ideas) in the social sciences (i.e., last summer for socio10), BA doesnt seem to make sense anymore to me. i need my BA groove back. sems starting, in a few days we will swamped with an overwhelming school load, hence i have very little time to go and ponder BA making sense. gimme back my BA magic :(
• i dont know what happens and why it happens -- but i get seriously pissed whenever my dad tells me to "budget my time" and "fix my study habits". i know he means well, but i feel looked down at. it gives me the feeling that i have no control over the use of my time and that i need constant reminders to get right on track. its an issue i have yet to settle. hrmmm.
• i was freaking scared about meeting my OpMan groupmates. i transferred classes and missedfirst day in my new class. at the GVT room, i was handed 3 index cards and made to choose the group i wanted to join. the first two each gave me reason to not go there. the third pink card was a group of names that dont ring a bell, at all -- not even a teeny ring. it was a leap of faith (or the lak of choice:P) that made me sign the card. i was in -- i memorized one name, Fatima Zuniga, and prepped myself for looking for her and meeting the group. Friday came and i was in a frenzied, anxiety attack (nope, i just wanted to type that that :P).i came in, looked for Fatima, introduced myself, and they took me in -- just like that :) my happiness was ineffable :D yey! five more introductions later, am officially part of that group *pats myself -- good choice. good choice :)*
• i felt like a total doofus in EL50 class. totally helpless doofus. we were told to find groups, bring colored markers, and that there was a "floor" activity next meeting. who would have thought we would be asked to draw the Western Europe map? i will not even be able to find Greece within five seconds in a world map -- wt*, much less draw. everyone in my group was like Germany's right here, then Italy's shaped like this, and SPain's big, and where's Portugal again? gaaaaaahd. i am soo going to go through my map. seriously. i will know where Lituania is and where United Kingdom is. i will. and i can tell my next group where the freaking border is dividing Africa and Europe -- if in case we will drawing again, anytime soon. anyhoo, my group's map kind of went through a continental drift and we kind of zapped countries off the Europe map, so i wasnt that thaaaat bad. competing in tanga-ness is never a consolation though. ugh, pathetic.
• i have a problem. a biiiig problem. i just figured SEA 30 doesnt count as an MST. now am in deep shit. i have EL50 for AH sana, and then SEA30 for MST. now that i have 2 AH subjects and no MST, i'd have to go 21 freaking units next sem, to make room for the MST i missed -- on the freaking sem that i am 129-ing. fate is a big bxatch. carelessness an even bigger bxatch. gah, what am i to do. pft. that was how my plans went.
• i dont write when am emotionally unstable -- like when am angry, feeling pathetic, PMS-ing, grieving, or anything that disturbs my emotional stability/balance (assuming i actually have that). i just figured taht out last night.
• i have stopped crushing on *ermmmm..*. ambilis nga nag-fade ng novelty, sad. i probably should have taken easy on the stalking. haha :P i need a new one. anyone? :) nyahaha..
• the magic is gone. seriously this time, at hindi lang emote na para kunwari may emo shxt ako. i dont think the conversations i make can still make this one happy-er/better. we have probably sucessfully eased out each other from our systems. and no one is to blame, really. it was nobody's fault, and nobody's really wanted this -- ermmm, at least for me. but yeah, i am sad -- at least that's what i am supposed to feel from the logic of friendship -- but life goes on. ganun talaga eh.

senior year, day 1

let's pretend it still is a tuesday night, because i want to write with the words "today" and "earlier" -- easier referencing :P dint get to write last night cos i had a pseudo-headache and well tinamad nako :P

• i was seriously thinking of writing something like "first day high" for this post's title. but am guessing i'll be getting more flak than i can take for the lapse in judgment (and a tacky choice at that:P), so yeah i just settled for that one.
• rach is baaack! :) and yeah, me and friendcess saw her first sa ground floor washroom, and dyosko friendcess was jumping up and down :P haha, yeah rach we are seriously happy to see youuuu! :) yikee! ahaha. ooh, shes got new bangs and shorter hair, btw. -- some EDIT: i figured i kinda miss rach being in cebu. not that i dont want her here or anything like that -- what i miss is having her online at this time in the morning and i have someone to bug this early :P OR, she can always have fast internet at xanland :) raaach!
• i've been writing a lot in either bullets or numbered paragraphs. i think i forget my basic composition rules. so yeah, i'll prolly stick to this muna until i remember my connecting sentences again :)
• some words of whatever from erykah badu: what am i supposed to do when i want you in my world, how can i want you for myself when am already someone's giiirl. i guess i'll see you next lifetime :) ooh, i think i love her already :) not that the song in any way talks about me, cos it doesnt. i just thought it was.. cool. ick. witty. okay thats me sounding all ditzy there. basta, erykah badu rocks my socks :) weee! lovelovelove the sound :)
• this is the something am not really sure how exactly to feel about. i din't get to take 129 this sem. no big emotions for me, i wasnt ecstatic when i found out about the possibility of taking the class, and well no big disappointment as well when i wasnt taken in. Kat told me about sir ben paul being okay with waiving 105 and taking it with 129. so i wrote i letter asking if i can waive. i ask pv for help in writing the letter, and he took the role to heart :) when i was about to go home and just dump the whole waiving thing, he'll do unbelievable pep talk. pv and pep talk, they dont usually go together, but this time even he was surprised at his "niiice" self :) so even if i dint get in, thankyou :)
• my only successful feat for the day was me getting into the TF 105 class. if mam talavera dint take me in, my mondays will be from 8.30a to4p -- no break. so yeah, if she dint take me in, ill die on mondays. it was really nice of her to do me that favor -- she was whining when i was asking her to please take me in cos she said she just printed her clean class list and thats shes super OC with her papers. and that she has to do another one because now am in. but even with the ranting, she took me in! :) thankyouthankyou! :)
• hrmmm, so am officially a senior. am ooold.

welcome back, normalcy

1. we're back to normal -- i guess. we had dinner the other night at cafe adriatico.and well like traffic, things are moving aok (i dont know where that metaphor came from, dont ask me). so yeah, better. normal is good. i think saturday marks the end of the angry week i had. even i couldn't explain why i was freaking angry. well, am just thankful am back to pretty normal now. yeah, happy's the way to go :)
2. *happyhappyhappy* (its difficult to write all perky again after writing all angsty for a while) eto na -- i am officially in love with that family :) really. i can't get over the sibling love, cos it's so there you can touch it and no cheese at all. i am officialy jealous. i've never really wished this hard for brothers. well, cguro am biased cos i crush him, and things probably really do turn up all rosy and all :) i especially love the part that they all belong to this circle of friends and that they love each other to bits, you cant help but notice (and well, smile secretly about it:P). hay. brothers sibs are love :) PS: to you, the adorable little sister, thank you :) you helped me find my way through my angry week. i thought your blog was cute. i heart your family :) ---err, and your brother :p haha
3. skipped church today. am not very sure why i did and if i should be guilty at all for doing so. i woke up at 5p with a woozy feeling inside my head. it was a 2-hour nap and an attempt to make up for lack of sleep from last night. i took two 200mg advils and then bath in the hopes of the making the headache go away. it kind of did after my bath, but i still felt weird. i decided against going to church. am not very sure if i skipped because i wanted to watch tv (because aircon in the parental units' room was on and it was the better alternative to the sweltering heat outside the.. room) OR that my headache was real. still thinking.
4. sleepover last night at my house. there was mahal, eds, joeam and the boyps, and lahainie. laughtrip all the way :) it was really fun and very much unplanned. we were hanging out at mcdo late afternoon and then after the meal felt like going somewhere. we ended up at gagags' house and then for some reason ended up in my house after. we caught flight plan on dvd, and boy was i hrmm.. impressed(?). big twists are the in thing in hollywood movies i guess. we hit the sack at 4-ish in the morning which i am guessing was the friggin reason for the headache.
5. dad made it very clear that i shouldn't be joining eds and mahal in their training workshop (eds was teaching aga how to ride the motorcycle and for some reason they decided to call the tutoring that :P), which only means no learning to ride the motor bike for me -- and well, implicitly no riding the motor bike for me. i somehow got around the implicit part inside my head and yes, i did ride with eds. *shhh.
6. today i learned how to drive a motorbike :) it was really weird cos i can very well remember my dad telling me to not learn because it is unbecoming of a girl/lady/woman. but for some weird twist of fate he decided to pull out kuya gin's bike and went on to teach me. cool :) so now, i kind of know how to drive :)
7. sometimes i do miss organized religion. and i know i miss for all the wrong things.. and the things that make it wrong. i miss the singing, the bands, the many people you get to talk to after the service, the youth thingums, camp (!!!! :P)and all those other shallow things. but yeah, i guess despite all these glossy reasons for missing it, am convinced am missing it for the same wrong things that made us leave it :)
8. i like Inviting a Day :) i think OPM/indie OPM *coughseverocough* is really good. rocks my socks :) i think the music i like kind of reflects the way i feel. ive been scoffing at dreamsounds lately and been more into noisy/band-y/club sounds. the lets-be-happy types. ive been liking erykah badu and bob marley lately, too :) reggae and rnb are love :) i need go-out-buddies. anyone interested? :) like its-a-friday-night-lets-go-out-watch-some-band-and-shout-our-lungs-out *coughseverocough* and have a smashing time :) anyone? anyone? :) lets go out!
9. saving sally :) i somehow found my way to this indie movie. its from this tvc/mtv director avid liongoren (am not very sure if i got the last name right). the movie blurb says "typical teen film" and it is. sally, the best friend marty the perennially there character who cannot seem to get the girl, and nick who is the boy sally hearts. the story line is simple, clean and crisp (at least basing from the trailer :P). the movie is in english (and the dialogues are witteh! alavet! :P) and the backgrounds are sketches/digital art/ something something -- am guessing may tawag dun na some nosebleed term, which i happen to not know. there's something about the movie that makes me all giddy :) loveitloveitloveit! :) i wanna watch :) ooh isa pa -- theres this video clip sa director's log that i weirdly feel a special affinity to. the video has marty telling the story of how he earned the title "best friend". theres somethingsomething about that vid that makes me go "aaww" everytime i see it :)

pensive.pissed. pft.

this (freaking) house is so weird. i have no (freaking) idea what the *bleep* is happening. hay dyosko. thinking about random everyday idiosyncracies = sweet escape. so here dig in.

it's just poetic, this entire smashed life. rockstar driving to a gig, awake til 4a at some posh watering hole, drinking, smoking, laughing with everyone, shouting lungs out to an incomprehensible song. you're smashed you dont remember a thing, it doesn't make sense but it feels right. and again, because such behavior never merits an aok from any decent parent, it's always this me-versus-the-parental-units match. it just sits well with the smashed life. adds to the freaking drama, the whole misunderstood show.

i play loud music. i look at smashed fotos. am so freaking pissed. i need more thoughts. can i be smashed too? i take that back -- am not realy thaaat pissed. justa litttle. maybe pissed enough to think about moving out.

what about moving out

i was seriously considering moving out yesterday, moving out, like out of our house. well, i have my reasons -- some of them are not for public consumption, though :P i have two sems to go and am outta college. that means i'll be a realreal adult, am over eighteen and in a short while employed and earning. hmm, sounds good. i think am a pretty good candidate for moving out :)

this is one of the major reasons why am thinking twice, even more, about grad school. Law looks really inviting, and you have no no idea about the things going on inside my head about getting there. some of them are really nuts, you'll seriously think am kidding. i have the usual i-want-to-be-a-lawyer-therefore-i-go-to-law-school, i think about income, too, i think about becoming a hotshot litigator and how that's really hot rattling Latin to lower mortals (that's me in my most naive), and well that thing about the glamorous profession that lawyering is. don't let me tell you about my Other reasons. you'll die laughing -- and well, i'll never be seen as a sane person ever again.

going back to moving out, it's so tempting, more tempting than law school. no curfew, not that i have one, it's that no-guilt feeling about getting home really late and not having to explain. sleeping all you want without waking up to freedom of speech at 200 decibels. not cleaning your kalat and not having to explain. watching all the dvds til the wee hours of the morning because that's when it feels best. having all the quiet you want when you dont feel like talking. eating when you want, even if that means lunch is at 3p. writing all i want, when i want to. haha, reading back about what i wrote, it figures am one inconsiderate slob :P shushh.

and then again, there's the laundry, eating sup noodles til they come out of my ears, starving to death because i dont want to do the dishes, dying from all the dust in my room, big fat dark eyebags from all the puyat, and well, for all the fun that alone time brings, alone AND lonely sucks, too.

hmm, still thinking :)

so my sleuthing (slothing? :P) took me somewhere

who would have thought that that back issue page would take me from random read to .. something something (i have yet to think about that -- OR find my way to being articulate enough :P).

it took me from random (pathetic) snooping, to wondering why i din't know/care about indie music, to looking at family fotos (awww), and brotherly love (the non-eew kind), to falling in love all over again with random everyday adorable stuff. it probably doesn't make sense to you (reader YOU), but it makes a lot to me. makes me smile randomly by myself :) i like it silly like that :)

and again, i have that perennial question/wonder nagging me from the back of my head. am twenty and my future, as it appears to me, is in no way clear cut. what exactly do i want to do with my (freaking) life. it kind of rubs it in, this entire snooping thing. i see them and how much they love what they do. it's thick in the air, you can touch it. seriously. i think i kinda have an idea of my options, but in this gahd-i-am-overflowing-with-freaking-estrogen fashion, am no very sure if i want them for the right freaking reasons. haha, angry kid right there. spotted. haha :P my summer's way too close to ending for a seriously serious post. maybe next time :)


**EDIT (6:07pm): hrmm, i guess my issue wasn't necessarily about the knowing what to do with my life. i was thinking about it, sort of for the entire day :P, and yess i think i know now. it's about not having that something i love that i'd do everything for. and no, this is not a mad wish for a lovelife. *gags a bit* you know that something that you wouldn't mind staying up late for, something you'd spend for, something you'd brag about cos you feel cool doing it. like music, or art, or some sport your freaking good at. so life wouldn't be just about school and family and friends. so you have that something you call love, even if your not in a relationship. (i don't know how i do it, but every freaking time that i write, i either sound like an extremely angry teenager OR some cheesy emo sap. hay) **

anyhoo, learned a new word today :) reading back issues is becoming a habit that's kicking in. and you guessed it -- i learned my new word from my back issue thing. looked it up in that Garfield dictionary earlier(yes, garfield -- that dictioanry i somehow sucessfully talked my mum into buying :P) .


pensive /adj/ -- curious, dreamy. melancholic thought (i think). yessss. i like this new word. pppensssive :)


and and... just a bit of show and tell :) took random shots yesterday and i just felt like they needed an audience (pseudo-audience, okay :P)


my special love affair with the clouds :)






before taking a bath -- distractions abound :P starring me looking out the window in the study room while dad does limewire, my new red-painted toes, and for extra, my mums feet :)

so much for plans

Saturday morning (again) and am home. we were supposed to be Baguio-bound at 5a last Friday but things got muddled up. Mum woke up with a bad vertigo attack and her blood pressure shot up like crazy. she was dizzy the entire time so we had to bring her to the hospital. i figured it was pretty insensitive of me to still wait for my mum to get well immediately (not necessarily just because i want her to, but) because i still wanted to push through with Baguio. i know, that was bad kid at its worst.

even with the cancelled trip and all, am pretty good. really :) and now (in an attempt to redeem myself from that bad kid stigma) i hope my mum gets well. seriously gets well. i know she's really having an awful time lying in bed all day with that woozy feeling inside her head. so Lord, i hope you please let my Mum well :)

anyway, the reason for this entire trip was mum and dad's 22nd anni -- so, happy anniversarry to you two :) wow, 22 years IS long :)

eto pa. me and my mum have been planning to do this antagal na. and we only got to doing it laaast..err, Thursday. i took random shots of the shoe but my mum (and well, that anal part of her :P) wanted me to take "decent fotos" of the shoes. so yeah, i ended up doing this makeshift "studio" :) haha



i have another kwento :) eto na, indulge me on the giddy gradeschooler thingum i'll do here -- just when i thought my cryptic "you" was a phantom (OR specter, i learned from my socio 10 class :P) of my crazy imagination, i find this "you". well, not really find find -- more like online find. (i can hear whispers that vaguely sound like " pathetic". gah)*immediately gets over* gahd, he's just so... so.. hmm.. so right :P you just dont know. this is so freaky, it's amazing. i say scruffy and i find my "you" scruffy in the hot (my hot) way, dances, has this kid boy charm, has self-deprecating humor -- the non-annoying kind, speaks (and well, writes) pretty well, and get this -- plays the drums :) aaaaa! haha, sorreh :P btw, hes so freakin retarded. not that that's hot, it's just cute :P


so yeah with my (freaky) skills at stalking, dig in. say hello, to my scruffy :)
maliit lang, cos this world is so eerily connected. i just might be prematurely found out :P just let the imagination fly, and see in your mind how my scruffy figures :) and i have to singit this lang -- two more random things about my scruffy. one hes a rockstar -- kinda rockstar. well, he has a band. and two hes short. prolly just as tall as me. make something outta that :P


in my attempt to go with my theme, see my title so much for plans, i didnt plan this. ick. haha. i suck at this. but yeah, i can type 5 hundred thousand smileys and i can/will not be able to channel this giddy i feel inside :) weeee! :) haha. i know how it's silly and all, but really i miss this feeling :) hay.


and again, because i get trigger-happy when i struggle with emotional extremes, here are snaps of me in various states of retarded :P