Struggling...err, more like Wrestling

The once office-going kid started being the home-staying kid July 1. Effectively, it's been 14 days already since I have been home-based, with a usable computer, fast internet at my disposal, food for when I get hungry, my bedroom for when I feel sleepy -- pretty much no excuse for not having anything accomplished.

My blurry to do list has basically 3 things on it: send TN emails, clean room, bum. The third one is definitely getting in the way of 1 and 2. It's been 14 days of struggling to get things done but always getting sidetracked by naps, mindless free TV, Multiply, Facebook, and every other thing I stumble upon. I hate it that I have roughly the attention span of a fly -- always finding other things more colorful, more interesting, and more delicious-looking. I just had to write this entry because I told myself maybe if I get the distractions out of the way, maybe, just maybe, I can start firing out those emails. I am still crossing my fingers this way of fooling myself works.

For days on end, I have had my TN forms open as word files but really, I am off to the world wide web surfing to my hearts delight. Totally not working. I just keep myself happy by having these word files open, convincing myself that somehow, after snooping this last journal entry of this person, or uploading this last album, I will find it in me to click on the Word file and actually start reading them. And then finally decide whether I want this TN and then send an email with my CV. But no, every two seconds I find an interesting post from people, my multiply backlog of pictures does not run out of albums for posting. It's frustrating really. Muh -- I kinda wanna say I hate myself, but I take it back, I can't find it in me to hate myself. Hehe.

I shall go close this window, and go on as planned. Close internet conection, go up to my room and finally open AND read the TN forms. Just you wait, I shall blast you with an email balst update. And the struggle, err.. wrestle with productivity beginsssss.

feeling shxtty

i have no plans of animal crap-ping (okay, lets quit the euphisms. all i meant by the animal allusion is bullshxt. verb form, thas bullsxhxt-ting for you) my way out of things. if i sound like i am, my apologies. thas me sending that out to anyone who i gave the impression that i was smar aleck-ing all this time. i am not. okay, even if i sometimes look like i am.

i dont know what hapened, how i became this can of cliches. i feel really bad about picking a New York Times' bestseller for a favorite book, sounding like a broken Dr. Phil record and making anyone within conversational distance feel like s/he is in an Oprah interview. i didn't realy intend that -- it just comes out like that and i hate eeet. i fel like a blonde bimbo (except that i dont look the part exactly). maybe i dont read enough. maybe what you become is a contingecy of your situation *feeling socio10* haha. whatevs -- omg, i cant believe i just used that. *gags*

i feel baad. not exactly depressedbad. more like ithinkicouldhavedonebetterbad. pft.

gah. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. *maybe if i write it enough, i can be witty and brief. sigh*

happy Thursday tomorrow :D *forced smile - atleast for now. tom it'll be really genuine i wont even be able to help eeet* oooh btw, i'll do some mean stalking tom :P

monday night

happy birthday Dianne Miranda! :D twenteen is fun :)
i hope i get to see you guys reaally soon :D

***

i have so much to do.

• 3 individual papers for OpMan, one for each speak up
• OpMan company audit with my econ group
• ocean spray case for global marketing
• Total in Sudan case for cross cultural
• French report on friday/tuesday that's a reaally huge chunk of my cross cultural grade
• php82-worth readings for WC which i need to read faaaast
• friday is workshop piece deadline *dies*

but i get to blog. this is me and my thing with proscratination. pft, i just cant do eeet.

***

caught Ratatouille last saturday with the folks. it was fun, errr... kinda. yeah, funny. i was just prolly off somewhere, space cadette signing off. haha. anyhoo, we came in early for --- *drumroll* the trailers! :D i wanna watch everythingggg.

• evan almighty -- steve carell is a hit :) i need happy thoughts. haha.
• license to wed -- and again, robin williams i a sure hit :) and yeah, everyody could use some mush.
• enchanted -- patrick dempsey. nuff said :P but really, in my attempt to use words and not just onomatopoeias (spell right?), it's a story book set in new york where random production numbers like those in Grease are laughed at on the streets. things dont meld perfectly because there are bikers on the street and people doing their things. looks like a fun watch.
• national treasure + somethingsomething -- i think my dad wants to watch :D i might get to see it for freeeee :) weeee.
• no reservations -- catherine zeta-jones and this italian person with the cleft chin in the kitchen as chefs. so this was the movie tet wanted to see. and now i want to see it, too -- with him. screwmeermscrewhimnlangormaybescrewus. pft.

***

i need break. a really looong one. this is bad. am graduating in two sems time and i dont feel like an adult. i should be thinking grand plans of conquering the world by storm, like any normal, dreaming college kid. but no. am here, doing non-value adding things and NOT dreaming. pft. am weirdly happy though. am just not sure if that's a good combination -- NOT dreaming and happy. life expects so much of me and am scared i just might not deliver.

my eyes are sore. they're puffy. they hurt.

Mark Lim was at the CAP TAJA earlier. he talked about how he got his promotion in three months, why going for non-traditional fields is a good idea, and his love for the academe and debating. ooh, and his french. i hate it that he loves what he does so much, he tells us it's difficult but it comes off poetic. i get issues, and they're tiring -- not the least bit poetic.

ooh, and he remembered me as this kid who "i think comes from the Debate Society". he pointed at me and started the UPDS shameless plug and he gets away with it. and then at this point in time i feel regret welling up inside me. and then i ask myself why my life has always been the things that i am scared of. i follow up with the question on why some people learn love and commitment and loyalty so thick you can touch it. and then i start wondering why i cant. i went on to conclude that, err... it was pointless, aimless ranting about life and the freaking way it works.

***

PMS has just gone from bad to worse. i figured iw as askign myself whether this was PMS really... OR quarter life crisis. am twenty. am aimless. and am freakin angry. i cant let this monster eat me up. i want to be the bigger person, but it's harder than anything.well yeah whoever said life will let you get away unscathed.

i must go. my eyes really absofreakinlutely hurt. and i have to finish that 177 paper. which is due tomorrow at 8. and i dont have ink. ill print my homwork on fuschia ink. wow, thanks. what was the last thing i needed.

i want to think it's just the estrogen

before anything, UP's playing UST in the UAAP for the 4pm game today. last i looked, it was a 1-point gap in favor of the freakintigers. and and.. Mike's the ultimate, mehn :) i read Collegian yesterday and his foto was in the sports section and he was basically what the article was about. dude, twentyfreakinfour points from game3 :D am proud :) een after the third straight loss, there's still a glimmer of hope in me they'll smash UST today. tehee. and faith in the team. yehess, blind sticky fans is what school spirit's for :)

checked again, UP Pep Drummers played for halftime. my drummer boy on tv :) *haha, ditzy boy-crazy person -- spotted. am seriously not, eye candies are just ffffun :D* and then i checked again, shet tambak na UP by 12. aaaa! and noo, they took Mike out. pft. and infernes kay Joe Lipa, his last words according to the courtside reporter were 'let's make our first victory memorable'. talk about faith. that's the faith, dude :D

checked again, 12 parin. Mike's back. haha, natatawa ko, as if by this show of support mananalo kame. anyhoo, if in case (by some twist of faith :P) manalo Maroons today, i'll forever love Mike na :) haha.

***

super random thought from two weeks ago: i think short men/boys (SMB from hereon :P) are interesting. i just figured, i have never been floored by a tall person/boy(TPB from hereon :P) >>random UAAP update muli: tambak's down by 10, thanks to Mike :D 4th quarter coming up! -- it's shameful how UP people are happy with a "mere" 10-point lead, from the other team, haha) i think the more interesting ones were SMB's i have known/met. i heard someone say, SMB's think they more to prove than the next average TPB. *cough* there are some though that overrrr compensate and end up being really rude and arrogant and ginormous airheads *cough* but yeah, interesting how i say my vote goes to TPB's, but find the SMB's more endearing :)

***

this is scary. ive never blown my top off like that. something must be terribly wrong with the hormones. ive been a little too testy the past days err... no weeks. i always say my patience is one for the books, but lately, iv'e been angry more than usual. hay Lord, my PMS is getting scary.

and so the sem begins

sunny Sunday morning today, and even with all the tasks on top of my head, i get to blog. i do have a pretty valid reason for this though -- waiting for the survey answers while my and that buzz to tell me they're done. btw, thanks to Raissa -- suki :P, Wahr, Debbie, Nicolo, Markie, Mahal, Nica, and RJ :) really big help. 8 down, 42 to go. yes, fortyfreakintwo more.

EDIT (9:06 pm): dint get to finish writing this morning because just when i was about to go into my next paragraph, Mum tells me its late and that we have to get going. and now am writing again while i wait for my survey answers. and and.. my love goes out to Tet Grajo for making sure i hit the 50-respondent quota by giving me all the addies i can possibly need. haha. thanks Tet. i will make sure i'll be first in your favor-giver list :D

on another survey note, i felt like a total shxthead after reading Nicolo's paper. he even left a note to say we should've used 'sex' and not 'gender'. and to up that feeling of shxthead-ness, Tet had to tell me he is the god in crafting surveys. pft. Tet and i were laughing cos as i was saying, i had apprehensions because hes psych and all -- and he delivered :P haha. i dont really feel badbad about it, heck i dint even make the survey. it's a perception thing.

***

on with my recounting of the last few days.

Friday
i got to bully Rach to go with me in the Writer's Club orientation. and we were both erm... surprised -- in a good way. people in WC are different in an interesting way and i like that. but i dont know, am still apprehensive about pushing through with my application. maybe because am a senior -- and that can mean a lot of things and i wont go into them, maybe because i dont think i have time, maybe because i dont really write, maybe because i dont think i am getting in for the beautiful reasons like loving writing so much i cant live without it. but another part of me is excited about getting in -- new friends first and foremost because my set is getting kinda boring (but but.. i love my girls to bits :D ermm, did i just say it that way? :P haha), i like the WC people and i think there will be very interesting conversations, writing and the idea of getting better at it, and resolving that thing i have about commitment. am still thinking. tomorrow's buddy bidding and i think i shall go. hrmm, rach says i should. maybe i should.

we had pre-birthday dinner at Jack's Loft in Eastwood. i haven't uploaded fotos because i dont have the time -- and i think am being really responsible for not getting into multiply while i do my surveys :D

Saturday
Happy Birthday Rach! :D here's to secret secrets, secret getaways, chismis, breakfasts+lunches+dinners, life issues, small talk, Dairy Queen, your (our) hidden thingum for foreign students :P, and the B's Club -- whatever it's supposed to be called. thank you :D and and.. i shall eat at your house before we graduate, para bati na kame ni Jan :)

and Friendcess, i hope you dont make fighting with cabbies a regular thing. haha. remember, you do the fighting, i do the crossing :D and and.. am working on that meanie part of me. thank you for reminding me of that vicious cycle that i am unwittingly creating. and yes, i think you are a keeper because you remind me to do what's right :) yeah, it's kinda eew, but am not taking it back.

***
yes, i think i kinda get it -- that fixing one thing doesnt justify ruining another. it's hard. it's sofreakinhard but i think i want to be the bigger person. pft. i shall think long and hard. i hope i get to do the right thing.

what?

it was a weird/bad dream. am not even supposed to write about it. not even think.
this is baaad.