good days, bad days and in betweens

hola. i just woke up. happy wednesday morning (plus a little stiff neck) :D this entry is long overdue ( yes everything's just overdue -- along with my MME fotos :P). but before we get to that, my dream from earlier was jut too freaky to pass up writing.

i woke up at 7-ish, but on Wednesday mornings, it's just obscene to wake up that early, so i go back to sleep. i didn't know i'd get more obscene images from sleeping again. but as much as i'd hate to admit, it was kinda cute. please note that no names shall be mentioned, so youre guess is as good as anyone else's. haha, i dont think am telling :P its too cute, it's yucky :D

i forget how the dream started. what i rememeber is that we were in some bad spinoff of Amazing Race that entailed too much running inside this posh place. Jamie was there, and Ming, and someone i really like (who ended up boarding this really fly gold convertible at the end. wow), someone i dont really like, and a handful of extras, including a flock of salesladies. i couldnt make it out whether we were in a mall or a hotel -- but that's immaterial. anyhoo, we went on with the race, endless running and giggling. and then the last part. for some weird reason we ended up climbing this wall to get to the final gathering of all the participants because *dont look at meee* it was raining (ftw? yeah, we climbed the wall because it was RAINING. even i dont get it, so dont ask me). ooh, i also finished the game first but for again some weird reason, i didnt have the booklet youre supposed to have stamped at every station. so i dint win.

on with the wall climbing, some of the contraptions started giving in. so like a hundred of us stuck to the wall started panicking. the climbing walls part didnt entail any bungee ropes or anything, we were just clawing our way to the top. not exactly the way Spidey did it, there were these metal/ropey structures that looked like scaffoldings and we were making our way up with those. i dont know how we got out, basta we all ended up safe on the ground. weirdly though, when we got down and it wasnt raining anymore.

and it just gets weirder. this other someone, the one mentioned earier that i dont really like, started doing things, acting like we actually were friends -- and no, not normal friends, the other kind of friends, the kind you'd have to italicize. this person started putting an arm around me, and then later hugging me in front of everyone. and no one was cheering, as if it was the most normal thing for him to do. this part i was apprehensive, taking the hands off of me. and then the next thing i knew, we were talking like friends with this person's hands on my waist and my hands on this person's waist -- and wasnt embarrased. in the dream i was weirdly happy about this entire thing. and then i woke up.

***

on with the ovedue entry.

i think all the anger and the badmouthing caught up with us. is was Poopoop with a capital P. mabe getting away with an ill-prepared report one time is good. going for another one and hoping to get away with it again is pushing it too far. i dont really know what happened, it just pft-ed in front of our noses. really baaad.

you know you're on a bad report when people offer "charity comments". i dont know if you notice, but when reports crash, the kind classmates raise their hands and defend you from the others who grandstand at your expense. you hear things like "in defese to the group..." and youre not even friends. its just pathetic -- not the charity comment-er, but the group with the baaad report. it kinda means you cant fend for yourself, someone has to save you. it's an ego thing. thank you to the charity comment-ers, but this group has tons of pride issues so we cant muster appreciation at the moment.

sorry to my two-crushed egos hoping to get solace from this report. i know you guys had a really tough time from the report the day before, and i somehow had a hand at making you guys feel better -- at least through a smashing report. i feel sorry i didn't deliver, but i feel more sorry that i lost that chance to make you guys fel better. i knew you guys were counting on me to keep the thing afloat, but i just lost it. when i crossed my arms after the first comment, maybe that was me giving it up already. i feel really bad, sorry.

its jsut tough when you now you've managed through so much and you get by. and then all of sudden you just feel really helpless because you are. nope, am not making BS-ing a regular thing, it's just that beofre, i manage to make sense. it just ticks me off that just when i badly neede to make sense, because my life depended on it, i just fail miserably.

okay that's the overdue baaad day. on with the good. *shake shake shake off* haha :D gia and kat were (not very subtly) hinting me about why i should go to culminight. they said i'd get my much-need ego boost from the dinner, i'd forget about my crushed ego. and they were pretty right :P

yay to the All Stars! :D woot! woot! thing is, i really seriously thought we wouldn't win, so until i got my hands on the havaianas (and the undies, haha) i really dint let the win sink. cheers to Vicks Throat Drops! (sucha bitch to pronounce, but heck got us a champion cert! :D)

fotos from the MME jump:

with Trina, my favorite teammate :D

certificates from the MME heads *and i learn its Ate Gru and NOT Glu* :)

oyeh All Stars :D weeee, we did it!

were missing AC here. sayang.

with Rach, who came for moral support :D thankyouuuuu :)

***

am not sucha fan of last day parting words. but i just learned to love Ma'am Talavera so much, i didn't really care. her word stuck like glue, and i think i shall be keeping them with me. and i quote, "find a job that you love, and be there where you will have the most impact". and since those words, i figured, i shall never settle again :)

P.S. i got in for Writer's! :D am up for induction this Friday, and it creeps me out really. haha, pretty scary.

feeling shxtty

i have no plans of animal crap-ping (okay, lets quit the euphisms. all i meant by the animal allusion is bullshxt. verb form, thas bullsxhxt-ting for you) my way out of things. if i sound like i am, my apologies. thas me sending that out to anyone who i gave the impression that i was smar aleck-ing all this time. i am not. okay, even if i sometimes look like i am.

i dont know what hapened, how i became this can of cliches. i feel really bad about picking a New York Times' bestseller for a favorite book, sounding like a broken Dr. Phil record and making anyone within conversational distance feel like s/he is in an Oprah interview. i didn't realy intend that -- it just comes out like that and i hate eeet. i fel like a blonde bimbo (except that i dont look the part exactly). maybe i dont read enough. maybe what you become is a contingecy of your situation *feeling socio10* haha. whatevs -- omg, i cant believe i just used that. *gags*

i feel baad. not exactly depressedbad. more like ithinkicouldhavedonebetterbad. pft.

gah. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. *maybe if i write it enough, i can be witty and brief. sigh*

happy Thursday tomorrow :D *forced smile - atleast for now. tom it'll be really genuine i wont even be able to help eeet* oooh btw, i'll do some mean stalking tom :P

my ego took big blows this week. ow.

first off, the workshop. I've never been to a workshop, ever. I've heard things about workshops from people who've been in them -- like Gia who introduced me to Sir Capili (and the "happy" writing classes he holds) and a handful of WC people who i asked about how workshops go. and that was the closest i got to a workshop, mere second-hand accounts.

last Wednesday was my first. i was pep talking myself, telling me it will be as informal as informal can get and that I'd be good. of course i knew i was scared shxt inside, i just didn't want to admit it because i knew I'd be overwhelmed by it. i was practicing my best poker face, the one that looked appreciative and grateful, and not that only serious look i can muster which looks too defensive for my own good.

so i was read, and then given the requisite comments. i knew i wasn't exactly headed to the right direction with my piece, considering the workshop head, Jomar, was someone who's very keen on social issues. what i did was a very shallow, humorous piece on everyday commuting and the travails of the commuter who wipes drool and sweat from her sleeve. i wanted it to be funny, unfortunately for me, my readers didn't exactly see my piece that way.

for starters, i was told it was immature and lame. the piece, as they see it, set a very elitist tone, they didn't find it funny. i was told wanting to have a car, as an end of the essay was totally shallow and that there are more pressing issues to write about -- other than well, casual everyday observations inside jeepneys. for another, i was told i didn't get to exhaust the rich material observations inside jeepneys provided. there was so much story inside the jeep and my very limiting (and shallow) piece didn't get to capture the more important issues.

but then i was told, i have a pretty good command of the language. and that i have control over the tone and direction of the piece. it was just that, i wasn't exactly taking it to the direction that spoke of depth and maturity. am in such a lost at how to rewrite my piece. hay.

and then another, the resume. Kat and Gia have been trying to talk me into joining the MME they've been working really hard on. my slot was pretty sure, and the all-expenses paid tag the event has was the come on they were waving at my face. and well, the other is that it will make my resume look better, because yes, it adds one additional line to the "seminars attended" part. and finally, after a good number of days' worth of bugging through text and email and all other means and ways of harassment, i give in.

it was the night of the deadliest deadline that i start working my application form and the resume. i was saddened by the very... um, sparse contents of my resume. i figured i haven't been doing a lot the past four years of my college. maybe i was just coming and going to school, drifting through the days and not exactly doing any growing up, at all. it was too much for my PMS-y ego to take. um no, no suicide is happening at all. just some verbal diarrhea to let the bad feeling out.

and because this is sour graping, MY sour graping, i just have to say, it doesn't help that someone gets to play basketball with Kobe and that that someone is a freaking freshman. no, it doesn't help at all. it makes me feel worse, that while i am wallowing in this (self-made) pit (I'd like to call, monthly self-pity), someone's basking in the glory of getting handpicked by THE Kobe Bryant to sweat together and share Gatorade. never mind that his grandstanding never won them any game in the last 13 sets. i hate it more that that makes him too good for the self-pity-ing broken ego person. oh dear.


***

i thought there was a lot of wisdom in six-ear old Seth's question for Pastor. the boy goes "Pastor, how come goals are important?" and all ten of us, with jaws wide open, get floored at the sheer wit that little boy spews out ever so casually. Pastor answers matter-of-factly that goals are important because they keep you focused. and it was just one of the best non-verse quotes he had to make.

in another floored experience that witty little boy gave us, he answered Pastor's question on life goals. Seth goes, "My goal is to be a very smart boy" and we all clap in amazement at the purity and innocence of the statement. i am both happy and saddened at the boy's certainty of his life goal. i am happy that at six, he knows where he's headed. yes, maybe it can change and, for a fact i know, it will change when he grows older. but still, i am happy at six he knows what he wants.

i am saddened because at twenty i feel like i am just letting the tide take me to wherever. i feel out of axis, just spinning with the groove, out of control. and six-year old Seth knows what he wants, thankyouverymuch. i need a goal, i need focus and i dont know where to start. twenty, six months away from college graduation and about to write my resume isn't a good time to be clueless. oh Lord.

one UAAP Thursday :)

this post really was for last Thursday. i was giddy about going home and writing. what i didn't realize was that the adrenaline high would last me only up to the dinner table stories. i went up, sat by the computer and started typing. i wasn't even halfway done with my first paragraph when my eyes started giving up on me. i spent about an hour stressing out about trying to keep my eyes open before it finally dawned on me that it is sleeping time. so i give in :)

and today, this is me telling my UAAP story from blurry memories of Thursday.

okay, i cut two classes to get to watch the 2p and the 4p game. i had to skip SEA30 at 1p and 175 at 4p. and for the first time in my entire college existence, i ditch class to see the basketball team play live... erm, among other reasons :P haha. ive never really cut class for anything non-value adding... erm, i figured i never really cut class. not that am a sucker for perfect attendance (um, i partly am) but its majorly because i hate the guilt of not going to class. i weirdly get that all the time. but Thursday was different. when Ming asked me if shes getting tickets, i just said yes :)

for one, i've been dying to see a game live, practically any game. it was a pretty good thing am classmates with some of the team, at least theres some semblance of a relationship tying us together, other than school spirit. haha. and yeah, am getting pretty old (at least in UP's sight) -- am fourth year, graduating in six months' time and all that. so when Ming told me about watching live, i said, this is it :)

we met up at 1p right outside my SEA30 class, waited a wee bit for her dad, and off we were to Araneta. we went in and found our places in the patron area (oyeh, a few days' worth of scrimping can actually go get you a patron ticket) and wow, there were a grand total of seven people in our side. we were so recognizable from the court and i think i have some classmate thinking i actually cut class to watch them play. which erm.. as much as i hate to admit, was really the (pathetic) case.

and then again, like a bad record on perpetual repeat, UP lost its tenth game to the FEU team. ohwell, no surprises really. it just bugs me that i actually shelled out a few hundred pesos to watch them... do what they do in the court -- please dont make me tell :P and again, howell. and then we had to stand up for the school hymn. imagine getting beaten by the basketball team and overpowered by half of the Araneta all cheering for FEU. and then two of us had to stand up in the sea of Ateneans who were badmouthing our team -- to sing our hymn. okay okay, i love UP. i love UP. i love UP. i love UP.

anyway, the Ateneo v UST game kinda made up for the pathetic twenty-point losing margin by the team i actually went there for. the Kirk Long shot will go down in history :) [edit] 9.22p, 6 september: i figured i was writing about some player that dint even played for the Ateneo. i apparently put "Jeffrey Long" in my post instead of the real "Kirk Long". haha, laughtrip talaga to. thanks Ming for pointing that out to me :P [/edit] it was amazing, just amazing :) imagine, Ateneo was playing with an at least ten-point losing margin from the first to the third quarter. and then second minute fourth quarter, they decide it was time to win. the teams were edging each other out by a mere point from the second minute down to the last. and then Long made that shot. 71-72, i shall never forget that game :)

maybe it was the adrenaline rush or maybe pressure from the crowd, sometime into the second quarter i find myself shouting the "go! Ateneo! one big fight!" cheer. and then Ateneo wins, i pump my fist into the air and scream my lungs out. haha, it was weird. it really felt odd. yeah, it was a good game and all, i take that back, it was a GREAT game -- but it wasn't MY school. howell, the school spirit shxt wont shake off :)

some fotos from the jump:

before leaving for the Araneta *getting dagger looks for getting to watch live basketball games*

fan girl-ing with JC Intal

with the one who thought of going to see UAAP :)

some "other" thoughts on basketball: i think Chris Tiu is sucha beautiful kid. howell yeah, beautiful boy, but i wont say that. kid sounds non-predatory, and that the only way i want to sound like. Ming likes Chris a lot (maybe wants to marry him :P) so i talk about Chris in a fascinated i-dont-like-him-in-"that"-way kid of way.

from what i heard from Ming, he's filthy rich -- and mean feeeltheeeh rich *cough* he owns a freakin hotel and real freakin estate *cough* -- a very smart boy, as in i-am-magna-standing-and-i-am-ME-in-the-Ateneo kind of smart, plays basketball ( gahd, he is THE Chris Tiu), has a pretty family, is an all-around good boy who everyone likes loves to bits, and well, he leads the team to prayer after a basketball win. i mean, there are boys like that today? maybe he's fictional :) haha.

P.S. i was about to think i actually got lucky with my Thursday cuts because i found out that 175 dint hold class. and then i find out just now that my SEA30 class is reporting on Monday in groups. now i dont have a group, and i dont have a report. wow.

P.P.S. i thought it was really uncanny how Ming and i went about our identification of "the families" when we were at the Araneta. first game i ever so casually said, "Ming, ayun yung mommy nya sa southeast. shes sitting with the little brother. ang cute no?" and Ming nods her head in acknowledgment. second game and it's Ming's turn. she goes, "Ate, yun yung mommy nya sa right, in the blue shirt and jogging pants. ooh, and that's his dadin the collared shirt. you know what, they watch him all the time" and i smile at the cute thought. that pointing-the-family-of-the-ums was weird, now that i think back on it. what's weirder was that we didnt find it weird then. haha :) hay, the things that women do :) labyu Ming, looking forward to another game live :D

the college kid, poetry and checking you out

happy birthday to my Dad :D cheers to my favorite golden boy, weeee! i love you Dad :)

***

hoorray to proscrastination :D *not that itsa good thing in itself* but today, all my wishing paid off -- the SEA30 exam and the 175 midterms moved to thursday :) weeeeee!

*thinks again* and i just realized it got put off, but am still taking it in two days time. howell, whoever said you can have your cake and eat it, too. *there goes my cliche quota fulfilled for the day :)*

***

i seriously think my SEA30 teacher was wearing eye liner earlier. waw, watta way to start my day, Sir. thanks. okay, with that out of the way, lets go. when i came to class, that one was looking. before i sat down, that one was looking.when i turned back, that one was looking. and then before that one left, he looked my way as if to telepathy the bye (erm, that was just meee :P). now am still thinking whether that one gave me that look. i need like two more days to check to see. rawr, i make it sound like rocket science this entire checking out thing. yesyes, i do have a life, i just get a kick outta this. gimme this one :)

had lunch with Ming earlier and laughed our heads off talking about my person she calls, "not so true love". iiick we know, we get it. weve made a long list of our cast of characters following this iick theme. dig in: (1) si Asian teddy bear athletic classmate -- it used to have the words chinese and basketball until we figured it was such a giveaway. and then the bear series (2) grizzly athletic bear -- who is not a classmate and managed to get into our conversation and (2) the cute and cuddly koala athletic bear classamte, who i, btw, love to bitsss :)

[/edit] today caught me staring like crazy (cuh-rey-zeeeh for the effect). i was in such a "good" position that i can look without getting caught (or so i think, says friendcess -- and uh, this is soo gradeschool, but am liking it :P). he was effortlessly adorable. and um, cute. and um, really endearing to look at --- erm, wrong, sounded so mommy. but really, it was fun looking and trying not to get caught. haha. and then i got caught - just once, and friendcess says if he caught me looking, then he must be looking, too (iick. eew. aaack. sorreh). haha, this is getting too detailed it's making me gag. but yeah, he isnt really beautifulbeautiful but hes fun to look at. and that disarming stare. and he looks clean. maybe hes mabango, too. iiick, may perv factor na yun sorreh. yeah, you can tell i like him :)

***

this afternoon was WC reading session. we read two poems which were brilliant in their own rights. "Father", the free verse with the "enjamb"-ed parts, and the Jorie Graham "I was Taught Three" which sent us spinning. and well, feeling like very small, uncapable writers. haha. the entire thing was fun. Moral of the entire thing: read more, and uh, according to me, reading with other people around reading with you is way fun-ner and more exciting.

uhm, why do i get the feeling that i write better in the wee hours of the morning? i liked my previous entry better thatn this, uh, very gradeschool diary-sounding thing i am publising... NOW.

***

[/edit. uh, yes again]
i found Pon and Zi in the internet the other day :) i just need some show and tell space :)

arent they the cutest? :) i love the "this is how you make my tummy feel". my that one still doesnt make me feel that. um, you, where exactly are you? :) haha.

happy 100th post :)

this is the 100th post for this blog :D yey!

i've stopped writing on my other blogs, one reason for each of them. am closing in on one year for my blogspot :) first year is on november :)

here's to my favorite ranting audience :D

***

lazy day today. the rain so makes everything look cozy and warm inside the house, you dont want to leave :) almost everyone i know hates the rain. i hate it, too when am out and have to elbow my way home for a ride. but when am at home and can enjoy the cozy comfort of my bed and the house and the food, i love the rain :) there's something odd about the rain that makes things look clean. i love it that i feel like everything's so movie-like. theres something uncanny about my house's ambience. must be the cold weather :)

i'd be happier if i get to drive around in the nighttime. that's like my ultimate happiness. there's something very romantic about the rain, and i love the feeling it gives me :)

***

i was supposed to write yesterday when i got home. i felt really tired though, i decided against it and went to sleep -- i even forgot to take a bath. iiick.

i was soaking wet when i came home yesterday. err, not really. it was more like the hems of my pants, the ribbon at the back of my top, my sweater and the edges of everything i was wearing last night. yesterday was a tiiiring day.

the most surprising revelation of yesterday was when after our 198 report, all other groups said, "we commend your group for being really organized". haha, we were all like, seriously. but really, even ma'am said she like the way we organized our report on France and that it made sense. imagine my sigh of relief when i heard that.

i wasn't really expecting much from this report. if at all, the most i was hoping for was that we dont look like doofuses in front. you can tell i put my hopes down -- dooown there. two minutes before our report started, we were still editing our powerpoint. wasak kame lahat, and the report was sabog. and no, am not gloating about the outcome, nor am i fishing. we were seriously doubting the possibility that our report on France would come out decent at the least.

i think we had too much information, and we were at at loss at how to organize it. ma'am was looking for this specific framework to guide our report -- it was difficult for us cos we couldnt get a good grasp of the thing. the way things worked in our minds was the reverse of the framework she required. you can imagine our confusion. we then settled for her framework, crossing our fingers we got what she wanted right.

we only got to crafting our outline the night before the report. imagine, we've meeting for the past two weeks before the report and nothing was coming out. yes, we had grand ideas about feeding the class with Delifrance bread and sharing a bottle of wine to make the report look glamorous and all, but that was it. we even had ideas about expounding using the french win making process, only to be stumped later when we found out it was a futile attempt. i felt so lost, i let go of all my hopes of a smashing report.

then came 198 and i was a self appointed emcee. it was a last resort thing to make our report look the least bit organized, and to my surprise, it did make us look very much in control. while i was doing my thing (my part was the value of love for country) ma'am kept nodding in agreement. i couldn't contain my excitement because the approval was coming from someone who lived in France for at least 3 months. that's long enough to observed the ways of the nasal people.

the best part was (at least for me), we were given the benefit of answering comments and questions thrown at us after the report. we finished pretty early and there was time left for clarification. i will forever love ma'am for allowing our group to say our piece on the reactions of our classmates on what they said were loopholes and things lacking from our report. imagine my happiness when were able to keep our report afloat even after everyone gave it their blows. and my, what made the thing reeeally really hot, was when everyone harped on the fact(?) that it was such an organized report and that we had a good grasp of France :) someone even said he wanted to go to France after seeing what we did for the report. weeee! :)

and yes, the success of the report also wouldn't have been if not for the plus factor of the wine, thanks Justin -- albeit on cheap paper cups, but still thanks Daren. also, to Diane who turned in really useful research which made us all look like we knew our stuff, thank you thank you.

and and.. how can i forget my girls :) thank you for making this a fun experience :) yes, we had time when we wanted to pull our hair for the the bad rep the men gave ( the ADD kid who trumped my ADD, and that boy who made us feel like he knew his stuff only to stage a bad case of oral diarrhea in front) we did it. here's to more fabulous reports, alcohol for both of you (and maybe for me too -- with my Dad nga lang :P), hot clothes for costume (oyeh, another time around for Friencess' black and white striped top), having a grand time, and ranting sessions over oily KFC dinner :D i'll look forward to our movie date plus sleepover. eto overboard na but lemme have this one --i love my girls :D (ayan ha, indirect na, baka kase hindi nyo na ko lapitan if i actually said i love you :P haha)

to my avid readers Rach and Friencess, this post's for youuu :) huwaw, parang dj, may dedication. haha. school's fun-er with both you guys around. my love goes out to both of youuuu :) we shall make more grand reports together. bwahaha, take that Mozambique!

***

as if the estrogen from the 198 report wasnt enough, we had more girl power up our sleeves. haha. dinner last night was at Shakey's. it was pizza, laughter and a million and two rants. thanks Gia, Kat, Freindcess, and Rach for the grand time :)

and as if i wasnt happy enough, there was reeally cute, disarmingly adorable little three-year old boy behind me that couldnt get enough of peek-a-boo. he was really white, with brown hair and reeaally long lashes, i had to fight the urge to grab him and hug him. lucky mom :) and we overheard his name was Angelo :)

just when i was about to say little babies have lost their charm for me, this litel angel shows up and makes me weak in the knees. hes sooo cute, he makes you go awww :)

***

on a bum note, because i have so much idle time in my hands, i finally get to Simpsonize meeee :) i have yet to watch the film though. here's my dose of Springfield for now :)

i dont think it looks like me. for one, i have a prety prominent baba. apparently, the yellow creatures lack this anatomical part. so, for that lumiit na ang chances of this creature resembling me at the least. this my my nth attempt, and i just wanted to paste this on my blog. kaya eto.

***

random sidebar lang: i dont think i will ever get it what it is with men who pretend to reeaally know when in fact they only have a slight idea. grow up. it takes more of a man to admit you have some learning to do. isa pa, dont you think it's more embarrassing (and emasculating, whatever that means to you) when people, who have created grand expectations of you, find out you were bluffing the entire time. iick. that's all i have for you. and yes, now i officially dislike you. (err, even if i actually like conversing with you because i think youre smart)