Thursday, December 28, 2006


this is all too familiar treading ground. i tried to be really unaffected and uninvolved. but home still feels like home -- you try indifference but things come back to you and you still can't help but feel comfortable, just like an old shoe. many things have changed since, especially for me. but i guess some things just never will.

you know that inkling you have, when there's that nagging something at the back of your head, but you brush it off because your mind tells you it won't work? that was just how it was. i was fighting the terrible urge to feel right at home, but i know in my heart it will be there, however hard i try to mask it. it was hard, but i know all too well that that is what's good for me, for us.

i said it v. right, gago. my blatant reminder to myself that i have learned. i felt terribly uneasy but then i reminded myself that the big changes are made by uncomfortable little steps. am happy we did that.

after playing the tough unaffected person, am still such a sentimental mush at heart. i opted to not stay friends because i know myself so much better now. i know how vulnerable i am emotionally, and how i suck at limits. my famous statement was, it took me a year to get over, and i wouldn't want to get into the same hassle of moving on AGAIN. in time, i probably could get into a more personal relationship other than causal acquaintances, but until i learn and unlearn the important things, i have to do my best to shield myself from grounds i know i still cannot tread.

i miss the old times. but then again, growing up means knowing rational doesn't always feel good.

i miss you.
but at the rate things are going,
that's just about it.

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