Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I am Tired

I am overwhelmed by this unshakeable need to run. And to run away far.

I am tired of many many things and my heart just screams for the new, the uncharted. While I have this great love in my heart for my family and friends, I feel this need to run away. I feel like the only way to turn the page is by running away.

I am tired of waking up every morning at 6, taking a very quick, very rushed shower, running to work and guessing and second guessing whether I'll make the time. I'm tired of sitting by my desk trying to make productive use of my day. I am tired of a vacillating superior who keeps changing minds and leaves me hanging. I am tired of trying to make what I do matter and swimming in all that frustration at the end of the day. I am tired of flailing and not getting any help. I am tired of not knowing what to do and I am more tired of not knowing where to go.

I am tired of I am tired of making excuses and I am also tired of hearing excuses. I am tired of underperformance and I am tired or being okay with underperformance. I am tired of being where I do not want to be anymore. I am tired of wishing and I am tired of me not doing anything about it. I am tired of being tired of this shit every single day. I am tired of wanting to run away.

I want to be somewhere I want to be. Maybe I should give in this unshakeable need to run. I'll be tired but then I won't be so tired.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Great Backlog

Earlier today as I was browsing through iPhoto, I realized just how many pictures I have that I have promised (myself/or another person) to upload that never got around to. This also reminded of this mental checklist I have of blog posts that I have every intention of writing, but like you guessed... I also never got around to.

I still am wondering to myself whether I have very little time on my hands (with my 8AM to 6PM desk job) or I have little to nil time management skillz. But I digress.

Just as a reminder to myself, an actual checklist inspired by my mental checklist,

Blog entries that I HAVE to write
  • JR's Happy Birthday Bora
  • My 24th Birthday (I actually have a folder on my gmail of all the email prompts of all the Facebook greetings I received! I also haven't erased the birthday messages sent through SMS until today. Heee. I just realized the other day that -- omg, it's been 2 whole months since my birthday and "belated" won't even be enough an introduction for this would-be blog entry hahaha)
  • Bkk trip
  • That random day I went to UP and wished I was 18 and back in college
  • Sunday Family Fun with Sharegroup at Timezone!
  • 7th High with the Younghusbands (yes, we were there :p What we, Mahal and me, thought to be a "private party" turned out to be a wait for it... fans day! Hahaha)
  •  Blah Wee Nam Kee
The Script Live in Manila!

I will make a dent on this list this long weekend! Fingers crossed!

Saging at Kamote

Saging at Kamote -- that's the plan. The diet plan, that is. (For non-Tagalog speakers, "saging" is banana and "kamote" is sweet potato.)

The Journey that Led to Saging at Kamote
I've always had difficulty losing weight. I'd like to think it's in our genes to have these big hips and short, stubby arms. But then again, with my sweet tooth, I also have a knack for choosing the more calorie-packed desserts and food options. Sweets and me have a very complicated relationship but have no intention of parting ways any time soon. But yeah, I'd still like to think it's the genes :p

Let's count the events down that led to today's "saging at kamote" decision.

Happy Birthday
It started on my birthday month. My birthday month, February, came after Bora. This meant that after all that scrimping (although, as an after though, not so much pala) to look fairly decent in a bikini, I spent a good chunk of the month eating all sorts of junk, making up for all the "good" food (read: bad aka calorie bombs) I tried to avoid leading to Bora. Also because it was my birthday month, I (naively) assumed it was a free-pass for all things uh, in excess.

At Kanin Club for my birthday, third time in a row!

My family meets "Sinangag na Sinigang"
for the first time :)

It didn't help as well that my 24th year came with a lot of emotional baggage and wait for it... emotional eating. February was a blur of random ice cream treats, plenty of chicken wings and many many kinds of dessert.

Shortly after my birthday month wrapped up, we flew to Bangkok for vacation. I again, (naively) assumed my free-pass got an extension. I ate to my heart's delight, with not a thought or care for calorie computation. This was after all, I said to myself, one of the few vacations I take with my family.

At the Bitec Convention Center BKK, eating some sort of uh,
sweet pancit bihon. This is me being 'adventurous" :p

At a Buddhist Temple (I forget the name :p) with the folks!

With the Bangkok one though, no qualms :) Sulit na din ang 5lbs!

Balikbayans in the House!
And when I say "balikbayans in the house" I don't mean it like the club DJ means it. I mean it like "we have balikbayans staying over in the house for 2 weeks". I wrote about it a few entries ago when I talked about how my Tita Nene and my Tito Cesar who stayed over for a fun two weeks in the house.

In the Philippines, having balikbayans over mean endless trips to the Duty Free store. And I think all Pinoys would have to agree that trips to Duty Free mean CHOCOLATES. Plenty ass chocolates.

At Kanin Club (again!) after my speech at TU

Since our guests came, the food hasn't stopped coming in, too! They would go visit their other relatives and come home with jsut so much food! And they never stop offering us food. And for some reason, you kind of don't wanna cross your visitors by declining when they offer. I guess it's really the Pinoy brand of hospitality where you do things to make sure your visitors are happy. For us and our visitors, those "things" meant eating any and all the food the bring home and offer.

It also doesn't help that we are almost drowning in Heshey's kisses and many other kinds of wonderful chocolate. With chocolates, I know my way even without the balikbayan prodding :p This playing host to our kind guests meant not a craving not satisfied and also -- omg, I can barely fit into my office uniform.

And Finally, Saging at Kamote
Okay, I figured just now how long-ass that intro was. The only point I am trying to make is that, I  need to lose weight. And to do that, saging and kamote!

Oh, also because Kuya (my Mum's youngest brother) is getting married! Woop Woop! Kuya Ton and Ate Mae are tying the knot on May 13 (yup, Friday the 13th y'all) and surprise, I will be part of the entourage. Which means I will be wearing a gown, which means the gown will look a lot prettier minus a few pounds.

So yeah, saging and kamote. Cross your fingers for me and my new friends, saging and kamote for the next 22 days! I have no idea how long I can keep this up, so wish me luck! :)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Washing It all Away

Last night I cried like I've never cried before. I cried so long and hard I couldn't breathe. I cried like a 5-year old and it felt good. I cried with someone and all that crying felt a little less lonely.

It felt like a washing away -- a washing away of all the misery of keeping all those bad feelings inside, a washing away of all that pretension that I am okay, a washing away of all those things that keep me from facing all that loneliness.

I wouldn't say all the loneliness went away. It still is there, and I think it will be for a while. But all that crying felt like a cleansing; like a facing of the music, like an admission that there is something wrong. And I guess only when you come to terms to the fact that there is something wrong will you be able to do something about it.

Maybe this will sound odd, but I'd recommend a good cry to any 24-ish yuppie, to any young adult at the cusp of that straddle between being someone's kid and being their own person, to anyone at the helm of any kind of loneliness. You'd think it's pointless cos it probably won't do anything to change your situation but I'd tell you otherwise. It doesn't change your situation but it changes you.

A good cry is like a "refresh" button. Maybe yours is a long time coming.

Friday, April 15, 2011

That Dormant Monster Inside You

It's so sobering a thought when you come to realize that you are a horrible person. And by horrible I don't mean the going-on-axe-killing-sprees or robbing-your-80-year-old-lola kinds of horrible. More of the what-the-fuck-have-you-been-doing-with-your-life kind of horrible. The kind of horrible which answers questions like the previously asked with for-the-love-of-all-good-things -- nothing. The realization comes at you unannounced and then it hits you like a speeding truck at 2AM on a Friday night.

Your brain knows it should hurt, this kind of huge realization. After all, you spend a good chunk of your life channeling a good part of your energies trying to be at least a decent kind of person. But somehow, any and all kinds of feelings are shunned by every single part of your being. Your reality springs this kind of realization on you and your body refuses to acknowledge. You feel nothing. Except for maybe that faint ringing on your left ear and that weird kind of pulsating sensation on your right shoulder, flowing through your arm down to your wrist. Other than that, nothing.

Just as you were coming to terms with this new realization, someone comes to you and actually points it out to you -- that you, indeed, are a horrible person. How's that for validation?

Your brain knows it should hurt, but you don't feel anything. Maybe your head's too surprised and confused and it can't decide which emotion to pick. Your brain knows you should be ashamed that you are a horrible person, that you should be angry because your circumstances turned you into this person, that you should be angry at yourself for letting that monster slowly creep into your being, and maybe that you should pity yourself. But nothing -- not a tear of anger, not a smidgen of shame. Or maybe this is the feeling, that general darkness about you. No feelings, only thoughts. Only thoughts of certainty about how you should feel.

Today, something changed. I know I will never be the same again.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

In the World of Pretty Boys, There are The "Adam Levines" and the "Zach Braffs"

I was watching an old old SNL ep with Zach Braff and musical guest Maroon 5. As I was ogling Adam Adam Levine and thinking how pretty he was during the musical number, a thought came to me -- in the world of pretty boys,  there are "Adam Levines" and there are "Zach Braffs". (It is 1:19 AM as I write this,  so I won't take offense if you consider this drunken conversation hahaha)

The "Adam Levines"
I was never a big fan of Adam Levine or Maroon 5. I don't follow the band but I kinda like their songs. (It's pop, what's not to love.) It doesn't hurt either that the front man, the very pretty Adam Levine, isn't bad to look at. Okay, that's a gross understatement. Look at that face.

Look at that face. I mean seriously look at that face.

But I never really paid attention to Adam before. Then Maroon 5 came on the SNL ep I was watching and that's when it dawned on me how frackin pretty this Adam Levine boy is! I usually fast forward through the musical numbers, but this one I played to watch. (So far I've only not forwarded through: Florence + The Machine, Chris Brown, Cee Lo Green and Jessie J.) I watched the musical number not necessarily because Adam was so good a singer (but I'd have to admit, his voice is iconic, you just know it's a Maroon 5 song)  but because he was just beautiful. Chiseled face, omg that pretty mouth, piercing green eyes and wait for it... killer abs. He's the stuff adonises are made of. He's so pretty you'd wonder if he actually has to look at girls to find pretty.

These are the "Adam Levines". Pretty pretty faces that make for "omg's" that have to be said out loud. I get the pretty but for some reason the "Adam Levines" don't really have an appeal to me as a girl. I find them uh, too beautiful.

And then there are the "Zach Braffs".

The "Zach Braffs"
And then there are those that are cute and not too ripped but are adorable and funny. Since this is the world of pretty boys, I don't mean the Jonah Hill-types nor the Michael Cera-types. I'm talking about the grown up thirty-ish men, with the lopsided grin and the imperfect face. And they're adorable because they're funny.

Zach has this perennial "surprised" look with the blue eyes.
Oh, but when he starts talking? That's my boy.

They're the ones that make you think they're the kind of boyfriend that'd say funny things to you and make funny faces and adore you because you laugh at the their jokes. They're pretty but not so pretty so they feel like they have to compensate by being funny and nice. You get what I mean?

And I've always always adored the "Zach Braff" types. The pretty boys that don't think they're pretty but know that they're funny. They're two notches cooler than the Ted Mosby-types that are a little lame because they're cheesy. The Zach Braff-types are kinda lame too but that's what makes them so endearing. This SNL ep I caught made me think Zach Braff was really funny. Now I kinda wanna watch Scrubs.

(Okay, if you've gone this far on this post, you must be really bored. This post doesn't make any sense even to me hahahaha)

P.S. Random sleepy Saturday night thought: I wonder where my Zach Braff is. I just hope he's kinda just around in one of my circles. I honestly don't like anyone (like a boy)  at all. Is that even normal? Oh, but I don't like girls. I like boys, there's just no boy I like at the moment. And by boy, I mean real live boy that doesn't apear on TV that I can high five any time I want. Mmmkay, I think that's enough word vomit for now.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Bye Bye Day

Tonight I went home to a house that's a little more quiet than the one I've been coming home to for the past 2 weeks. I was surprised at this sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach. I opened the front door and my unofficial "welcoming commitee" wasn't by the couch. There also was no more excited "hello hija!" when I stepped in. I apparently am a lot sadder than I expected to be.

My Tita Nene and Tito Cesar, who spent the last two weeks with us in the house, are on their way back home to the States today. Right about now, they are probably boarding their plane to take them back to Melbourne first, and a few days back to the Houston, Texas. It's bye bye day to my two favorite senior citizens.

Two weeks ago, my Tita Nene and my Tito Cesar flew in to vacation in the Philippines for the first time in eleven years! So that Friday in Causeway was the first time I saw them. EVER. They're in their 70's but they both look pretty good for their age. They're both feisty and have an arsenal of many many stories.

I loved having them in the house. There's always that happy breakfast banter since they're very much morning people. There's that playful bickering old couples do so well. And since it's the first time we're being audience to the schtick, it's just hilarious. There's that endearing lolo and lola vibe they bring to the house. My Tita Nene is just amusing with her fesity lady stories and my Tito Cesar exudes so much of that "Lolo from the Bear Brand commercial" energy.

They only stayed 2 short weeks in the house but I miss them. They were lovely guests to have. Other than the fact that they were very generous, they were really fun to have around! Plus I guess, coming from a very small family of three, it is a nice welcome surprise to have other voices in the house :)

They said they'll definitely be back. But that's maybe in two years time? I guess that part of me that misses them a lot is that part of me that wishes there were more people in the house. Ohwell. I hope this temporary separation anxiety will pass soon. In the meantime, I wish my Tita Nene and Tito Cesar good health and many more happy vacations til their next visit to the Philippines :)

Saturday, April 02, 2011

What to Say to Impressionable 14-year olds

I am 2 days away from the the speech I am to deliver in front of very impressionable high school freshman, sophomores and seniors. Oh, and before I forget, honor high school students. I know I have manny many things to tell the kids, but I think the bigger challenge lies in that I have to be able to talk in "their" language for whatever it is I am going to say to make an impact.

Let's back up a bit. Over a month ago, I got an invite from my 6th grade adviser who now is the principal of my old high school. She asked me to speak in front of the honor students and special awardees for the Recognition Cermonies. It was daunting to me but then I got overcome by excitement and a few moments later pride and joy (haha yes I need big words because that really was how I was beaming when I found out!) I knew I wanted to talk to the kids. I wanted to tell them the things I wish I knew when I was their age. I want to let them know how to be awesome! Hahaha. (But yeah, I'm serious about the awesome-ing).

Photo credit: http://thedailyrecord.com

I guess I also want to talk them because this would be a chance for me to take stock of the things I believe in. This is a chance for me to get to know myself better. And interestingly, it is when I have this goal to impart that when I learn the most. I guess it's the way I try to make sense of it by explaining that I also get it  get it myself.

Right now, I'm still writing. Carving away my essay, taking out the unimportant and giving way to the essential. If you find it in your heart to say a small prayer for me in this exciting endeavor, please do. I need all the help I can get :)

This will be my first time to speak in front of an audience as the main speaker. While speaking does not necessarily scare me (of course, I get nerve-wracked, too but in manageable degrees), I guess I am scared because it such is a big responsibility! Also this is something new to me. I will have kids and parents look up the podium in the hopes that listening to me will at the least be worth their while.

I am scared I am but also quivering with anticipation. I hope the kids get to appreciate the lessons I hold dear to my heart and by themselves see the sense of it all. May Monday's talk be productive use of all of our time. Cheers to scary new things!

P.S. Thank you to our Pastor, Pastor Jody, for being very patient with me with all my questions. Your sharing helped build my piece. Thank you, thank you.

P.P.S Ted Mosby will make a special um "appearance" (his name, at least) in the talk :p

Friday, April 01, 2011

On a Day That Took All of Me Not to Cry at 8AM

To say 'to say today was awful is an understatement' is an understatement. (Okay, I just put that in to sound Liz Lemon kinda smart -- inspired by, 'My single "My Single Is Dropping" is dropping').

That aside, today hasn't been kind to me. It really did take all of me not to cry at 8AM. I have people that are way more grown up than me, in age at least, that make me feel like they devote all their energy into being an ass to me. Other grown ups that are just difficult. And other grown ups that just make all sorts of excuses to not act like grown ups. So my beef is about grown ups, asses, and grown ups that are asses. Gah. Yeah, I guess sometimes shit just chooses to happen to you on a sunny Friday mornings.

I blogged today because I wanted to give myself some pep talk. I really don't want to be that snarky person with the dark cloud so big people can touch it (cos I'm scared sometimes, I am turning out to be that kinda person). Just when I was almost losing reining in the waterworks, I open my GodWhispers mail today. It said:

Do you feel heavy inside because of your problems? Let me lighten your load.

P.S. Wings don't make one fly, Katrina. It's your happy heart that will make you soar. So be happy today. I need you to reach the stars to inspire others.

The having a happy heart is hard enough. The reaching the stars is even harder. The inspiring others is much harder. But yeah, I guess it's in the struggling that you grow. Realizing that doesn't mean though,  that it's NOT such a pain! One big UGH for all these hard things. But an even bigger THANK YOU for the One who is there to lighten my load. I can do thiz.

Also, it doesn't hurt to get a hug.
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