Friday, April 15, 2011

That Dormant Monster Inside You

It's so sobering a thought when you come to realize that you are a horrible person. And by horrible I don't mean the going-on-axe-killing-sprees or robbing-your-80-year-old-lola kinds of horrible. More of the what-the-fuck-have-you-been-doing-with-your-life kind of horrible. The kind of horrible which answers questions like the previously asked with for-the-love-of-all-good-things -- nothing. The realization comes at you unannounced and then it hits you like a speeding truck at 2AM on a Friday night.

Your brain knows it should hurt, this kind of huge realization. After all, you spend a good chunk of your life channeling a good part of your energies trying to be at least a decent kind of person. But somehow, any and all kinds of feelings are shunned by every single part of your being. Your reality springs this kind of realization on you and your body refuses to acknowledge. You feel nothing. Except for maybe that faint ringing on your left ear and that weird kind of pulsating sensation on your right shoulder, flowing through your arm down to your wrist. Other than that, nothing.

Just as you were coming to terms with this new realization, someone comes to you and actually points it out to you -- that you, indeed, are a horrible person. How's that for validation?

Your brain knows it should hurt, but you don't feel anything. Maybe your head's too surprised and confused and it can't decide which emotion to pick. Your brain knows you should be ashamed that you are a horrible person, that you should be angry because your circumstances turned you into this person, that you should be angry at yourself for letting that monster slowly creep into your being, and maybe that you should pity yourself. But nothing -- not a tear of anger, not a smidgen of shame. Or maybe this is the feeling, that general darkness about you. No feelings, only thoughts. Only thoughts of certainty about how you should feel.

Today, something changed. I know I will never be the same again.

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