Tuesday, July 26, 2011

All These Feelings In My Tummy

My tummy feels funny. It feels funny in a way that feels like a few thousand butterflies have been given the go signal to fly around it non-stop. My knees feel like jelly. I feel weak in the knees and it's a little scary that I have no control over it. And my fingers take on a life of their own. They're shaky and I can barely grab my ballpen to write legibly.

All these feelings are new to me again. Like a little grade school kid discovering the wonders of boy bands and MTV and all the funny feelings in the tummy it comes with. It's kinda fun at first and then it leaves you a wanting. Like your grade schooler would want to jump at the next boy band concert, I want to know what comes after all these funny feelings in my tummy.

Photo credit: Sketchfu

I used to kind of just brush it off. I thought it was fun and cute. And then all of a sudden, my funny feelings in the tummy came with weird monsters inside my head -- grown up expectations. And then it kinda stopped being as fun as before.

Now everything has to mean something. Every single conversation, every single encounter, every single stolen look is forced to be loaded with meaning. The meanings may or may not be true but it's the guesswork that comes with it that brings in the frustration. And the monster that is grown up expectations managed to have the power to make it all complicated and not so fun anymore.

In the wake of all the guessing and the second guessing, I realized many important things. It's these small things, it's these small changes in thought that make the world of a difference between cute and fun to weird and creepy.

If it's meant to happen, it'll be easy. If the magic really is there, it shouldn't feel like work. And when it's too difficult, it probably just means you're forcing it.

So stop with the guesswork. Stop with the pushing. If it's not meant, no amount of force will make it happen. Or if it does, it'll just be weird. If it's supposed to happen, it will. Trust that.

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