"If Men Were Like Buses, How Do You Catch The Right One?"

I saw a tweet from Chesa yesterday about a blog post she wrote on "Pamamanhikan". (Sidebar: I met Chesa through a Life's Directions retreat I went to sometime in 2010). I clicked on the link and was happily brought to  Chesa's blog where she recounts her lovely story of the Gian-Chesa long engagement.

I just clicked for that one entry. Little did I know I would be spending the next hour or so reading through Chesa and Gian's love story. I love how she wrote the stories - nakaka-kilig without being nauseatingly cheesy. It was like having dinner with a friend and listening to her as she giddily spills the details on a new boyfriend  :)

It warms my heart to hear of beautiful stories of people who found the perfect partner, at the perfect time. It warms my heart even more that Gian and Chesa are people that I know. All the best for you both! :)

I'd just like to share an inspiring article I found in Chesa's blog. For all the lovely ladies (who are still looking!), here's some crunchy food for thought :)

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"If Men Were Like Buses, How Do You Catch The Right One?"
Michelle McKinney Hammond

If men were like buses, how do you catch one? A more important question is - how do you catch the RIGHT one? Simple: You take only the bus that's headed the RIGHT direction. First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one.

Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage. Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage.

Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage.

But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts. So when you do gather facts, let us compare the process to clothes shopping.

Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov 18:22). Note - who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE.

From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib.

You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy because he's shy. Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested.

Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first loved us" (1 Jn 4:19).

Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time.

So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship. 

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For now, I relax, sit pretty and allow myself to be found :)

Let's Do Some (Virtual) Shopping, Shall We? (The Charles and Keith Edition)

What better way to while away a rainy Saturday evening than to go shopping? Granted all the shopping to be done is uh... virtual haha. But retail therapy, virtual or otherwise is always fun!

My go to place for shoe eye candy will always be Charles and Keith. Since there is no Charles and Keith Philippines online (at least in the main website), I picked the Singapore site. I just thought there'd be more selections there cos that's where it's from?

Anyhoo, my virtual self has a hundred grand to spare. Yuh-huh, disposable income! (and uh-huh, virtual! haha) This is where that money will go :)

C&K - Head over Heels (SGD56)

 For starters, I'd go with this nude strappy heels. They go in black and red, too. But I feel this is the most elegant looking of the three. This should go very well with black painted toe nails and cropped pants!

C&K - Perfect Partner (SGD44)

Next up is this very straightforward red and nude slip ons. Perfect for days when you don't want to give too much thought to your wardrobe but still want to put on a hint of put-together but subtle elegance to the ensemble.

C&K - Color Luxe (SGD59)

Isn't this platform heel so feminine and powerful, at the same time? This should be perfect for regular outfits that need an "oomph". Casual Friday night with friends? Black shirt and dark denims feeling so blah? Throw this on and you're game on!

C&K - Demure (SGD56)

Isn't this color just a happy burst of sunshine? :) This would look so good with maxi dress in a happy color, too!

C&K - Tropical Escapaders (SGD47)

This white sandal just screams lazy Sunday :) It's the kind of foot wear you sport for early Sunday al fresco dinner/QT with the family. I can imagine being in a clean, crisp, white shorts and a flowy, floral top with this :)

C&K - Modern Meadows (SGD59)

It's a happy combo of casual and elegant. Plus, it's a wedge shoe so extra points for comfort (at least over heels haha).

C&K - Treasure Forever (SGD80)

Since this is virtual shopping, never mind that the info page for this shoe has the boxes 39 and 40 (my shoe size) crossed out - meaning unavailable. I like this one cos it's the kind you can wear with if you're trying to pull off 'corporate chic' -- not too stiff but not too casual-y either.

C&K - Striking Sandals (SGD96)

Isn't this sucha power shoe? I'd think with a killer pair like this, you'd never have a fashion blah day!

C&K - Sparkling Ensemble (SGD54)

It's cute and formal and low profile. It's like you mean business but are still saying "I'm a girl" :)

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Now to make all that disposable money in real life currency. Hmmm.

I Want...

I'm looking for something but I can't quite put a finger on what it is. Is that weird? It's like something is missing, it's just that I don't know what it is.

I spent the last  hour on the internet doing embarrassing internet searches. None of the "will-ruin-my-reputation" types but more of the "really?' types. It's a little pointless to mention that and not give you my actual search strings and rob you of the joy of laughing at me and the juvenile randomness (you know I just wanted to put those 2 words there, teehee).

Open on my Firefox tabs are Philbert Dy's menu of movie of reviews, Hunger Games and John Carter reviews, a youtube clip of Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone (okay okay, the title of the clip is "Andrew and Emma Best/Cute Moments" -- and yes, I plan to watch 2 and 3 also), an Andrew Garfieild photo feature, um... Yahoo OMG Boys of Summer (... so this is how shame feels like haha!), and a Thought Catalog article by Chelsea Fagan, "Crying is Awesome."

Aren't they the cutest? (Photo credit: ellinort.blogspot.com)

I want to write more. But as of late, the only entries I am coming up with are whiny, broody, or giddy vanity entries. In my head before I write, I was hoping to come up with witty lines and sentences about my everyday life. But they just end up... lines and sentences about my everyday life. Haha! Let's get some practice today. And have some fun while at it, too!

That's what I'm talking about! (Photo Credit: Luigina Foggetti - vis.ualize.us)

I want a comfy, cushy seat, a great view, and enough time to kill. I haven't had lazy Saturday/Sunday done right. There's an art to it and I don't want it to just be staying in your jammies til it's time to sleep again. I want lazy Saturday to have a flow but just a little slower. The kind where I can get lost in my thoughts for a good half hour, snap out of it wake up to the company of stories and laughter. I want good brunch food with pretty eggs and fluffy pancakes and real good coffee. And real good cake. Or gelato.

I want to be in my favorite shirt, good socks and ratty running shoes. I want sweat to roll down my forehead, my thighs slightly burning, my feet a little sore while I round the UP oval a third time on a breezy Thursday evening. I want to feel that power in my legs and that burst of stamina brewing in my belly ready  to fuel a second wind.

Parivrtta-Janusirsasana - sarappp! (Photo credit: omtimes.com)

I want to be seated in a heated room, on a sticky mat, with yellow lights shining on my face. I want to touch my toes and stretch my legs and bend it like a pretzel in a hot yoga room. I want to be given a pat by my good teacher and told that I do the pose so well. I want to feel that slight pain and pressure and relief as a go deeper into a pose. I want that happy glow of gratefulness after a good yoga class and that feeling of knowing your body a little bit better.

I want to be in happy huddle of friends over coffee, laughing so hard at an inside joke my tummy hearts and happy tears rolling down my cheeks from too much squinting. I want to be in the middle of great shared humor and the warmth of great friendship. I want a blurry evening of laughter and great stories. I want a heart throbbing with pride and joy at the blessing of having found kindred souls to share great moments and memories.

***

I think that's just what I needed :)

Why Things "Happen To You"

Dennis is one of the most successful people that I know. He comes from a comfortable background as his father runs a successful distribution business. He is an architect by profession but decided to give up a career in design to pursue entrepreneurship fresh out of college. Hardwork and good business sense paying off, he was running 4 very successful companies before the age of 30.

He is beyond successful as an entrepreneur, has a happy and beautiful wife and baby daughter, and hands down an all-around very nice guy. He is one of the people I respect the most.

One fine Saturday, I ran into him and got a nifty surprise. As he waved hello to me, he walked towards me. When we were at conversation distance, he said: "Let's have coffee some time. You might have some questions, I'd be happy to answer them."

I was beyond surprised; I was floored. I was going to get a one-on-one mentoring session with Dennis! I was over the moon. The person I look up to knows me! Haha.

I waited for the "some time" to come. I waited to run into Dennis again. I would see him every now and then but he was always talking to someone else, talking on the phone, or has to run. I can never seem to get a hold of him. But I just... waited.


It was a "test"
A little over a month after I got the invitation for coffee, I found myself in a huddle with the boys. Dennis was congratulating Vincent for the birth of Vincent's baby girl and swapped newborn baby stories. Ray and I stood by and listened in on the two of them. After a few daddy tips exchanges, Vincent had to run, leaving Dennis with me and Ray.

"I never heard from you," Dennis said to me. I was surprised. I didn't expect to, but I mindlessly mumbled, "huh?" Then Dennis said in a very nice way, "You never called me or texted. How long ago was that? I think a month na, no?"

Quizzical look on my face. I wasn't following. (In my head, "I was supposed to call him?!")

Dennis smiled and said, "That was a test."

WHOAH. That was a test?! (WTF) Still no words from me.

Dennis continued, "I was waiting for you to call me. I was testing if you'd call me."

I was choosing between panic and shame. "Oh," was the only thing I could muster.


Because you wait
Then Dennis said the one thing I was suspecting about myself but kind of keep brushing aside because no one was calling me out to it: "You're like this about everything, aren't you? You wait for things for things to happen to you."

It was so spot on, I couldn't say anything. I wanted to reason out that I respected his time, that I was waiting for a go signal from him that it was alright to talk to him, that I was waiting for his permission, yadda yadda. Then it occured to me, why would I need anyone's permission? Why did I think that I was not worthy of his time? Why was I, a grown capable adult living in the real world, acting like a high school kid waiting for the teacher's permission to go to the frickin' bathroom?


Make things happen
This Dennis -- who has only been saying hi to me from afar for the past year or so, who has not spoken to me any longer than 5 minutes, who doesn't know me, my family background, or my history -- read me like a book.

He said something that profoundly affected my perspective:

"You have to fight for the things that you want. You have to make things happen to you.
I'm sure you're not like this just this one time, right? You must be like this at everything, this is how you approach life, tama ba ako?

The people who wait, all they get is crumbs. The people who get the best things in life, they fight to get the best things in life. If you don't, people walk all over you. Don't be surprised when things just keep happening around you. YOU HAVE TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN."

I felt so naked. The man read to my face the story of my life without even asking me anything. But I've never felt so empowered. It just clicked. And with that one statement, so many other questions were answered.

He went on, "Don't ask me when I'm available. You tell me when you're available and ask me to be available. That shows you're hungry."

After that, he gave me his schedule and along with it, a chance to redeem myself. I'm happy to report that we did go on to have that meeting. And again, the man wowed me with the way he thinks. No wonder he is successful.

For your time, for your patience, and for your keen attention. Thank you, Dennis!

Things I Should Do

Someone has a little (too much) surplus of time (or made-up idle time)

Finish "People Buy You"
I've had that book open for over a month. And I thought I was on track on my 'One Book, One Month' rule. Last 20-something pages shouldn't be so tough. Lest I shove it back to the shelf unfinished, along with the five other books I started and didn't finish.

Start watching my saved episodes of "Undercover Boss"
Caught the '7-Eleven' episode a few months ago and realized that this is pretty good TV. The kind you actually learn something from (for business) and not just idle 30mins where your brain kinda goes into coma and leaves the "laugh" and "applause" functions on. I downloaded 5 episodes (in true hoarders fashion) and haven't touched it since. I LOVE my tv and I told myself I should at least get something more from it (other than witty lines to blog about haha)

Watch "Suits" Pilot
3 TV friends actually gave good reviews for "Suits". It's an hour long so it kinda turns off that ADD kid in me #nothighonprioritylist

Finish my PSP
PSP = Personal Success Plan. It's an activity from the last Boot Camp where you plot out your life for the next 5 years. It's daunting and scary and exciting. I started with the words already but 3 weeks after the camp, I never got around to actually finishing it.

Print out Dream Book
Inspired by the Bo Sanchez tip to write out your dreams, I started a Dream Journal about a year ago. It still has blanks but some parts I had all made out in vivid word color. I think I must have forgotten some of them cos I haven't gone back to it in a really long time. Time to whip out the pages lest I forget about them.

Write a Book Sequence
I hoarded books last January. The group made a good deal with the publishers we were able to get Book Sale prices for brand new, fresh off the presses books! What's a nerd to do but buy all of them! I think I at least owe that to all the book worms of the world :) I think I got around 8 books. I've read 3 of them, I think. My goal is to finish off all the books before the year ends, with room for 2 more.


Watch One Movie Every Sunday
My episodes of movie downloading binges have resulted into a hard drive with a very big collection of movies. I have a lot of good movies saved but (blame it to the ADD, hehe) I never seem to reduce this list.

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 Why I turned this supposed to-do list into a blog entry baffles even me.

What Would Make Me Happy Now

I've been in a weird place emotionally lately. It feels like I don't have a good grip of myself and been pooping around uh, emotionally. Sorry for the graphic, even I don't quite know what that means.

Sunday (aka vegetate-in-the-house day) was a quintessential case example. I was sitting on the couch, mindlessly channel surfing, hoping to catch reruns of New Girl/HIMYM/Cougar Town on Star World. I chance upon "Got to Dance UK" which, as literal as it gets, is about dance. I group of 8-year-olds in red hoodies gave a surprisingly good number and wowed the judges. As they were congratulating the group and their 16-year-old choreographer, fat tears were rolling down my cheeks. The kids weren't hamming up the show with sob stories or anything. It was just a group of kids who were great at dance. And there I was... crying. (WTF)

Then I caught a good chunk of Bridesmaids on HBO. I probably don't even need to write it anymore cos I really think you will have guessed it yourself without any help from me. My shirt got a wee bit too wet from  wiping my cheeks dry. Lost thirty-something lady, breaking down right smack in the wake of her best friend's impending wedding. That's a little too easy.

I've never been one to find comfort in retelling these kinda stories of feelings, in person. I'm the kinda person that waits for the perfect moment/setting/timing/person to do this with. The thing is it never comes. So I'm stuck nursing the ugly feelings my myself, or having YOU read it over this blog -- sucks to be either of us haha.

It's taking all of me to NOT wallow, to NOT swim in this "seemingly" poetic pool or weird sadness and unidentified feelings. (Okay, okay, this post IS wallowing). So I have decided to veer away from the melancholy and think about the things I want, the things I know will make me happy right abouts now.

Conversation
Good fucking conversation. I would love to meet someone new, or rediscover an existing friendship, pick their brains over coffee, and just go WHOAH. I haven't had that in a loooong time.

I wanna talk about the idiosyncrasies of Sheldon Cooper, why I love driving in the rain, how I feel about being 25 and how it's both exciting and scary at the same time. I wanna talk in long winding sentences. I wanna word vomit all the pent up feelings my brains been holding in for so long.

I wanna use 'naive', 'oxymoron', 'juxtapose', 'schaudenfreude', and 'chutzpah' in my sentences. I want verbal calisthenics exchange and not feel weird about it. I want to bring out fancy words from the vocabulary arsenal and just use them for show.

I want to hear about a different way of looking at the world. I want to know about life with siblings. I want to know about growing up traveling the world -- about seeing the Disneyland at 7 years old and trying to understand French over a colorful macaron in the park. I want to hear about movies I haven't seen and why I should see them. I want to hear about books I never thought about reading and why I should read them.

I want to spend a rainy Tuesday afternoon drinking coffee by the store window swimming in gratefulness at the gift of this kindred soul. Dear Lord, please make it happen :)


Long Drive
Haven't had the chance to enjoy the great SLEX highway in a while. Driving the superhighways have a way of calming me and clearing my head. I remember back in my old job when I was very happy I had to drive to Laguna on a regular basis.

It was still so vivid to me how I would leave the office at 10 in the morning, all worked up, creases on my forehead literally from grown up office stuff (said like real 3-year old haha) to head on out to drive down South. I get on the car and as soon as I go past McKinley and legally drive and cruise at 100kph, it's as if the open roads have a power to uh, "ease the blues away" haha.

Then, at around 4 in the afternoon, as I head up back North, my head is clear and my thoughts more neat than when I started out in the morning. This time though, if I have my way, I'd like to drive down South not for work. I'd love to take to the highways, go up to Tagaytay, and settle in a Starbucks and just stare out at the lake. I know that kinda sounds straight out of a cheesy Tagalog movie haha. But what can I say, good coffee and a steady afternoon are for me a good enough reason to spend on gas and and brave the highways.

Oh, the joys of a long drive :)


Good Movie
If you ask me what my idea of a good time is, it may be a different list every time, but I'm very sure all my lists will include time spent inside a good movie house.

I haven't seen a movie in the movie house in a while. And I miss it like crazy (OA haha). Pero in fairness, I actually do miss being inside a movie house. Plush seats, cold aircon, a warm hoodie and movie house chow -- WOW. Haha, it takes little make me happy. Someone take me to the movies! *hint*

I have yet to see The Amazing Spiderman and I'm really looking forward to it. Just you wait Garfy, just you wait. Tin and Lai and Mahal, Friday? :)

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Just writing about these kinda makes up for the way my screwy hormones have been acting out lately.

"Shared Future"

I'm equally embarrassed and giddy. Now that I just wrote that, I think I'm a little more embarrassed than giddy. I've been giving my mind a little more leeway lately to wander off into an unknown future ehem.. a "shared" future.

I live in the predominantly Catholic (attempting to be modern but surprisingly still very sexist and double standard) Philippine society where it's kind of given that women have to marry. I'm 25 and I think whether I like it or not, there is a proverbial countdown timer plastered on my forehead -- counting down til the day I find a suitable mate to marry. That, or my egg cells are counting down haha.

So here's a naked admission. I've been spending a lot of time and brain space lately wondering how my "suitable mate" looks, feels, and sounds like. It must be because it's a long time coming. Or maybe also because half of me is wondering (more like wishing and hoping haha) whether this "suitable mate" might be in the person of this very interesting boy that is now in the horizon.

Hold your horses, no intention has been expressed. No clues have been given. Only my wandering eyes and overly imaginative mind giving life to this not-yet story. Real life hasn't measured up to "my" stories in my head yet but the giddy and the fun of the guesswork (regardless of the real life answer) has made this not-story something I keep coming back to.

Indulge me this one time (okay, this won't be the only time haha) about how I hope this "shared future" looks like.

There is a lot of talking. We're so fond of each other. Fascinated.We talk about the bottoms of our ice cream cones, my perfect parallel parking, how the tie went perfectly with the striped shirt. We talk about small things, about mundane things and talk about them in a way like they are important. I'm always interested with what he has to say, he's the same.

There is a lot of laughing. Because we are funny together. And we are fun together. Because the world is always more beautiful with a little more laughter.

We rock lazy Sunday. We like it laid back and we do laid back like a boss. No rush, no hurry to catch our movie. Snuggled in the cold comfort of the plush movie house seats. Steady night cap over coffee and some thoughts on our movie. Quiet drive home.

We are fun company to our friends. We are accommodating when we are in a group and never make anyone feel awkward with unnecessary and outrageous displays of physical affection. We are still two different people not one giant hug-gy blob.

We are dreamers. We lie under the stars and talk about the future. We get to  laugh at each other's secret dreams as we celebrate the absurdity of some of our dreams. But we keep dreaming anyway. We talk in vivid colour and we dream in detail. And we're grateful for the gift of another person who understands dreaming dreams and dreaming together.

We are voracious learners. We are obsessed with getting better. We grow together.

We are good together. I am my best when I'm with him and I pray that he is, too. Our friends say we are good together and genuinely wish we end up together for a really long time. We radiate a quiet steady, happiness.

There is magic. Something inexplicably beautiful.

This is Really About...

Growing old is like a new song on the radio -- you hear one time and don't realize it, you hear it often enough and it creeps up on you. Next thing you know, you're singing it to yourself in the shower.

Okay, that's a very bad, nay useless, metaphor. It's 1 in the morning and my head is bursting to the seams with thoughts that run amok in your head when you let the reins go in the wee hours of the morning. I feel like I have to write my thoughts down but I haven't decided yet how intimate, personal, and embarrassing I will allow this post to be.

I guess my thoughts are just looking for an audience. I'm just not sure yet how much audience I can handle. I am sure I am definitely not word vomiting everything to a very very naked Facebook post. Cryptic tweets, maybe. Or if I can stay up long enough for it, an unusally naked blog post.

Hold on to your seats. Intimate and embarrassing word/feelings/secret secrets vomit in 3..2..1.

I feel alone. I feel like like that kid in class with no group during groupings. For the toy junkies, like that piece of lego you have no idea where to put after you finish building your pretty house. For the word nerds, like a dangling modifier. And just to satisfy that longing in me to add one more comparison, like that English-speaking tourist in a busy alley in Chinese-speaking Hong Kong.

It's not that there is a lack of company to merit the feeling of being alone. There are lots of people, actually. Friends and family and very nice people around me who never fail to make me feel that I am an adorable human being. But I've never believed it more true that you can totally be "alone in a crowded room."

Okay. Enough of the thin veiling. This is about being single. This is about being 25 and thinking about how the next 3 or 5 years will look like. This is about wondering whether building a family will be anywhere in the horizon or a craft (like cross stitching) or cats will be how my year 30 will look like. (And how my writing will always have horrible stereotypes like the one above.)

This is about finding my happiness. And wondering how that happiness looks like. Whether it will come in the form of a giant pile of money to afford me the time and resources to finance a full time Sociology education in London, alone. Or in the form of a pretty and snotty 1-year old showing mommy her chocolate soaked fingers and how she can stuff a whole chocolate bar into her mouth in one go.

This is about not knowing and feeling a tiny semblance of panic brewing at the pit of my stomach. This is about Not knowing whether it is too early or too late to not know and just feeling antsy just the same.

This is about feeling my way through all of my 25 years of life and wondering what's in store for me. This is about realizing that longing to belong to that sacred bond of a relationship. This is about not knowing what to do because none of these are in my hands.

This is about wondering how it feels to belong to a secret circle of 2. How it feels again to have that one constant to run to, to bitch to, and to be that one other human being that doesn't make you feel alone. To have that one person you can complain-brag about and make you feel a grown adult capable of being part of a grown adult relationship.

This is about having another person outside of your Mom who fusses over whether you got home safe or had lunch on time. This is about having another person other than yourself care about whether you are happy and is constantly thinking of ways to up your happiness.

This is about doing ordinary things like running in the morning, or walking aimlessly in a mall, or discovering a great ice cream flavor feel like a wonderful shared experience. This is about  learning to take care of another person's happiness outside of your own.

This is about getting consumed by the endless possibilities that is met with both fear and anticipation. This is about wondering. This is about hoping.

Go for broke.

Photo credit: PostSecret

Looking for the Next High

Does growing older have the power to dull feelings?

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. For the past year or so, I've been trying to look for the "next high" -- that moment of euphoria, that flood of excitement, that amazing sense of wide-eyed wonder.

First Time
I've been trying to get that beautiful feeling of a "first time" -- that moment when as a pre-schooler you step into your first museum or the first time you see lion up close in a zoo and you'r washed with this inexplainable happiness at the joy of the experience.

That moment when as a twelve year old you were allowed by your parents for the first time to go to the mall with your friends unaccompanied. That moment in high school when your Dad first lent you the car and you drove around with your student license feeling like a total boss. Small moments that make you feel invincible.

That time when in college you were allowed to your first sleepover, or first out of town with friends. The moment when you first walk the streets of a foreign country and the idea of being not in the Philippines feels so surreal. Everything feels so new and I love how you just drown in the novelty of it all and it's like an altered reality.

That moment when you first step into Disneyland where everything is magical. As a 17-year old, I understood that it was all "staged" but there was this undeniable feeling of awe in my belly. My brain, for that moment, chose to shut off all rational adult explanations of why and how things work. Smehow I found it in me to just get lost in the experience, to feel that spring in my every step in the park, to savor that "kid" that I let lose with every picture with Mickey Mouse and friends. I miss that feeling.

That time when you felt responsible for another person's feelings because you care about them so much. That time when you went out of your way because a good friend needed you to be a friend and you both felt like real adults talking about money and careers and marriage and children. It's small moments that make you feel like you are breaking through.

Insulated Reality
Just lately I feel that I am not totally "feeling" things. It oddly seems like things are happening around me and it doesn't quite register. New "first times" are happenings but I oddly don't feel like I'm there. It's like I'm in a bubble and I'm insulated from the event, just selectively feeling the more palpable parts. It's like my brain has a vague idea of what is happening but I don't quite "get" the whole experience.

None of the raw, exciting wide-eyed wonder. None of the weird feelings in the tummy. None of happy feelings of novelty. Only a muted, barely there sensation, reminding me that this or that event is happening to me.

Next High?
So there is this He that is playing this staring game with me. The "me" two, three years ago would've had this screaming teenager inside my head, giddy and brimming with excitement at just that thought of this He. Not even because this He is playing the staring game but just the idea of this He.

The "me" now is not moved. And it's not because I don't want to be. I want to be moved! I want to feel that rush of excitement and have that screaming teenager run around my head to remind me how fun it is to be young and carefree.

The "me" now feels like just standing idly by, watching all these things happening. Yeah, it's cute He is playing this staring game but it's not waking up the screaming teenager in me. Yeah, it is putting to action some imagination muscles looking into some future time when He actually stops just staring and actually starts talking. But it doesn't feel like a jolt to the system, it doesn't feel like an unnatural thought able to disturb the peace and the steady of my adult thinking.

It's not that I don't want to be steady or stable or normal. I guess I'm just looking to feel -- to really, absolutely, indescribably feel. I want to feel alive. I want that next high.