Things I Should Do

Someone has a little (too much) surplus of time (or made-up idle time)

Finish "People Buy You"
I've had that book open for over a month. And I thought I was on track on my 'One Book, One Month' rule. Last 20-something pages shouldn't be so tough. Lest I shove it back to the shelf unfinished, along with the five other books I started and didn't finish.

Start watching my saved episodes of "Undercover Boss"
Caught the '7-Eleven' episode a few months ago and realized that this is pretty good TV. The kind you actually learn something from (for business) and not just idle 30mins where your brain kinda goes into coma and leaves the "laugh" and "applause" functions on. I downloaded 5 episodes (in true hoarders fashion) and haven't touched it since. I LOVE my tv and I told myself I should at least get something more from it (other than witty lines to blog about haha)

Watch "Suits" Pilot
3 TV friends actually gave good reviews for "Suits". It's an hour long so it kinda turns off that ADD kid in me #nothighonprioritylist

Finish my PSP
PSP = Personal Success Plan. It's an activity from the last Boot Camp where you plot out your life for the next 5 years. It's daunting and scary and exciting. I started with the words already but 3 weeks after the camp, I never got around to actually finishing it.

Print out Dream Book
Inspired by the Bo Sanchez tip to write out your dreams, I started a Dream Journal about a year ago. It still has blanks but some parts I had all made out in vivid word color. I think I must have forgotten some of them cos I haven't gone back to it in a really long time. Time to whip out the pages lest I forget about them.

Write a Book Sequence
I hoarded books last January. The group made a good deal with the publishers we were able to get Book Sale prices for brand new, fresh off the presses books! What's a nerd to do but buy all of them! I think I at least owe that to all the book worms of the world :) I think I got around 8 books. I've read 3 of them, I think. My goal is to finish off all the books before the year ends, with room for 2 more.


Watch One Movie Every Sunday
My episodes of movie downloading binges have resulted into a hard drive with a very big collection of movies. I have a lot of good movies saved but (blame it to the ADD, hehe) I never seem to reduce this list.

***

 Why I turned this supposed to-do list into a blog entry baffles even me.

What Would Make Me Happy Now

I've been in a weird place emotionally lately. It feels like I don't have a good grip of myself and been pooping around uh, emotionally. Sorry for the graphic, even I don't quite know what that means.

Sunday (aka vegetate-in-the-house day) was a quintessential case example. I was sitting on the couch, mindlessly channel surfing, hoping to catch reruns of New Girl/HIMYM/Cougar Town on Star World. I chance upon "Got to Dance UK" which, as literal as it gets, is about dance. I group of 8-year-olds in red hoodies gave a surprisingly good number and wowed the judges. As they were congratulating the group and their 16-year-old choreographer, fat tears were rolling down my cheeks. The kids weren't hamming up the show with sob stories or anything. It was just a group of kids who were great at dance. And there I was... crying. (WTF)

Then I caught a good chunk of Bridesmaids on HBO. I probably don't even need to write it anymore cos I really think you will have guessed it yourself without any help from me. My shirt got a wee bit too wet from  wiping my cheeks dry. Lost thirty-something lady, breaking down right smack in the wake of her best friend's impending wedding. That's a little too easy.

I've never been one to find comfort in retelling these kinda stories of feelings, in person. I'm the kinda person that waits for the perfect moment/setting/timing/person to do this with. The thing is it never comes. So I'm stuck nursing the ugly feelings my myself, or having YOU read it over this blog -- sucks to be either of us haha.

It's taking all of me to NOT wallow, to NOT swim in this "seemingly" poetic pool or weird sadness and unidentified feelings. (Okay, okay, this post IS wallowing). So I have decided to veer away from the melancholy and think about the things I want, the things I know will make me happy right abouts now.

Conversation
Good fucking conversation. I would love to meet someone new, or rediscover an existing friendship, pick their brains over coffee, and just go WHOAH. I haven't had that in a loooong time.

I wanna talk about the idiosyncrasies of Sheldon Cooper, why I love driving in the rain, how I feel about being 25 and how it's both exciting and scary at the same time. I wanna talk in long winding sentences. I wanna word vomit all the pent up feelings my brains been holding in for so long.

I wanna use 'naive', 'oxymoron', 'juxtapose', 'schaudenfreude', and 'chutzpah' in my sentences. I want verbal calisthenics exchange and not feel weird about it. I want to bring out fancy words from the vocabulary arsenal and just use them for show.

I want to hear about a different way of looking at the world. I want to know about life with siblings. I want to know about growing up traveling the world -- about seeing the Disneyland at 7 years old and trying to understand French over a colorful macaron in the park. I want to hear about movies I haven't seen and why I should see them. I want to hear about books I never thought about reading and why I should read them.

I want to spend a rainy Tuesday afternoon drinking coffee by the store window swimming in gratefulness at the gift of this kindred soul. Dear Lord, please make it happen :)


Long Drive
Haven't had the chance to enjoy the great SLEX highway in a while. Driving the superhighways have a way of calming me and clearing my head. I remember back in my old job when I was very happy I had to drive to Laguna on a regular basis.

It was still so vivid to me how I would leave the office at 10 in the morning, all worked up, creases on my forehead literally from grown up office stuff (said like real 3-year old haha) to head on out to drive down South. I get on the car and as soon as I go past McKinley and legally drive and cruise at 100kph, it's as if the open roads have a power to uh, "ease the blues away" haha.

Then, at around 4 in the afternoon, as I head up back North, my head is clear and my thoughts more neat than when I started out in the morning. This time though, if I have my way, I'd like to drive down South not for work. I'd love to take to the highways, go up to Tagaytay, and settle in a Starbucks and just stare out at the lake. I know that kinda sounds straight out of a cheesy Tagalog movie haha. But what can I say, good coffee and a steady afternoon are for me a good enough reason to spend on gas and and brave the highways.

Oh, the joys of a long drive :)


Good Movie
If you ask me what my idea of a good time is, it may be a different list every time, but I'm very sure all my lists will include time spent inside a good movie house.

I haven't seen a movie in the movie house in a while. And I miss it like crazy (OA haha). Pero in fairness, I actually do miss being inside a movie house. Plush seats, cold aircon, a warm hoodie and movie house chow -- WOW. Haha, it takes little make me happy. Someone take me to the movies! *hint*

I have yet to see The Amazing Spiderman and I'm really looking forward to it. Just you wait Garfy, just you wait. Tin and Lai and Mahal, Friday? :)

***

Just writing about these kinda makes up for the way my screwy hormones have been acting out lately.

"Shared Future"

I'm equally embarrassed and giddy. Now that I just wrote that, I think I'm a little more embarrassed than giddy. I've been giving my mind a little more leeway lately to wander off into an unknown future ehem.. a "shared" future.

I live in the predominantly Catholic (attempting to be modern but surprisingly still very sexist and double standard) Philippine society where it's kind of given that women have to marry. I'm 25 and I think whether I like it or not, there is a proverbial countdown timer plastered on my forehead -- counting down til the day I find a suitable mate to marry. That, or my egg cells are counting down haha.

So here's a naked admission. I've been spending a lot of time and brain space lately wondering how my "suitable mate" looks, feels, and sounds like. It must be because it's a long time coming. Or maybe also because half of me is wondering (more like wishing and hoping haha) whether this "suitable mate" might be in the person of this very interesting boy that is now in the horizon.

Hold your horses, no intention has been expressed. No clues have been given. Only my wandering eyes and overly imaginative mind giving life to this not-yet story. Real life hasn't measured up to "my" stories in my head yet but the giddy and the fun of the guesswork (regardless of the real life answer) has made this not-story something I keep coming back to.

Indulge me this one time (okay, this won't be the only time haha) about how I hope this "shared future" looks like.

There is a lot of talking. We're so fond of each other. Fascinated.We talk about the bottoms of our ice cream cones, my perfect parallel parking, how the tie went perfectly with the striped shirt. We talk about small things, about mundane things and talk about them in a way like they are important. I'm always interested with what he has to say, he's the same.

There is a lot of laughing. Because we are funny together. And we are fun together. Because the world is always more beautiful with a little more laughter.

We rock lazy Sunday. We like it laid back and we do laid back like a boss. No rush, no hurry to catch our movie. Snuggled in the cold comfort of the plush movie house seats. Steady night cap over coffee and some thoughts on our movie. Quiet drive home.

We are fun company to our friends. We are accommodating when we are in a group and never make anyone feel awkward with unnecessary and outrageous displays of physical affection. We are still two different people not one giant hug-gy blob.

We are dreamers. We lie under the stars and talk about the future. We get to  laugh at each other's secret dreams as we celebrate the absurdity of some of our dreams. But we keep dreaming anyway. We talk in vivid colour and we dream in detail. And we're grateful for the gift of another person who understands dreaming dreams and dreaming together.

We are voracious learners. We are obsessed with getting better. We grow together.

We are good together. I am my best when I'm with him and I pray that he is, too. Our friends say we are good together and genuinely wish we end up together for a really long time. We radiate a quiet steady, happiness.

There is magic. Something inexplicably beautiful.

This is Really About...

Growing old is like a new song on the radio -- you hear one time and don't realize it, you hear it often enough and it creeps up on you. Next thing you know, you're singing it to yourself in the shower.

Okay, that's a very bad, nay useless, metaphor. It's 1 in the morning and my head is bursting to the seams with thoughts that run amok in your head when you let the reins go in the wee hours of the morning. I feel like I have to write my thoughts down but I haven't decided yet how intimate, personal, and embarrassing I will allow this post to be.

I guess my thoughts are just looking for an audience. I'm just not sure yet how much audience I can handle. I am sure I am definitely not word vomiting everything to a very very naked Facebook post. Cryptic tweets, maybe. Or if I can stay up long enough for it, an unusally naked blog post.

Hold on to your seats. Intimate and embarrassing word/feelings/secret secrets vomit in 3..2..1.

I feel alone. I feel like like that kid in class with no group during groupings. For the toy junkies, like that piece of lego you have no idea where to put after you finish building your pretty house. For the word nerds, like a dangling modifier. And just to satisfy that longing in me to add one more comparison, like that English-speaking tourist in a busy alley in Chinese-speaking Hong Kong.

It's not that there is a lack of company to merit the feeling of being alone. There are lots of people, actually. Friends and family and very nice people around me who never fail to make me feel that I am an adorable human being. But I've never believed it more true that you can totally be "alone in a crowded room."

Okay. Enough of the thin veiling. This is about being single. This is about being 25 and thinking about how the next 3 or 5 years will look like. This is about wondering whether building a family will be anywhere in the horizon or a craft (like cross stitching) or cats will be how my year 30 will look like. (And how my writing will always have horrible stereotypes like the one above.)

This is about finding my happiness. And wondering how that happiness looks like. Whether it will come in the form of a giant pile of money to afford me the time and resources to finance a full time Sociology education in London, alone. Or in the form of a pretty and snotty 1-year old showing mommy her chocolate soaked fingers and how she can stuff a whole chocolate bar into her mouth in one go.

This is about not knowing and feeling a tiny semblance of panic brewing at the pit of my stomach. This is about Not knowing whether it is too early or too late to not know and just feeling antsy just the same.

This is about feeling my way through all of my 25 years of life and wondering what's in store for me. This is about realizing that longing to belong to that sacred bond of a relationship. This is about not knowing what to do because none of these are in my hands.

This is about wondering how it feels to belong to a secret circle of 2. How it feels again to have that one constant to run to, to bitch to, and to be that one other human being that doesn't make you feel alone. To have that one person you can complain-brag about and make you feel a grown adult capable of being part of a grown adult relationship.

This is about having another person outside of your Mom who fusses over whether you got home safe or had lunch on time. This is about having another person other than yourself care about whether you are happy and is constantly thinking of ways to up your happiness.

This is about doing ordinary things like running in the morning, or walking aimlessly in a mall, or discovering a great ice cream flavor feel like a wonderful shared experience. This is about  learning to take care of another person's happiness outside of your own.

This is about getting consumed by the endless possibilities that is met with both fear and anticipation. This is about wondering. This is about hoping.

Go for broke.

Photo credit: PostSecret

Looking for the Next High

Does growing older have the power to dull feelings?

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. For the past year or so, I've been trying to look for the "next high" -- that moment of euphoria, that flood of excitement, that amazing sense of wide-eyed wonder.

First Time
I've been trying to get that beautiful feeling of a "first time" -- that moment when as a pre-schooler you step into your first museum or the first time you see lion up close in a zoo and you'r washed with this inexplainable happiness at the joy of the experience.

That moment when as a twelve year old you were allowed by your parents for the first time to go to the mall with your friends unaccompanied. That moment in high school when your Dad first lent you the car and you drove around with your student license feeling like a total boss. Small moments that make you feel invincible.

That time when in college you were allowed to your first sleepover, or first out of town with friends. The moment when you first walk the streets of a foreign country and the idea of being not in the Philippines feels so surreal. Everything feels so new and I love how you just drown in the novelty of it all and it's like an altered reality.

That moment when you first step into Disneyland where everything is magical. As a 17-year old, I understood that it was all "staged" but there was this undeniable feeling of awe in my belly. My brain, for that moment, chose to shut off all rational adult explanations of why and how things work. Smehow I found it in me to just get lost in the experience, to feel that spring in my every step in the park, to savor that "kid" that I let lose with every picture with Mickey Mouse and friends. I miss that feeling.

That time when you felt responsible for another person's feelings because you care about them so much. That time when you went out of your way because a good friend needed you to be a friend and you both felt like real adults talking about money and careers and marriage and children. It's small moments that make you feel like you are breaking through.

Insulated Reality
Just lately I feel that I am not totally "feeling" things. It oddly seems like things are happening around me and it doesn't quite register. New "first times" are happenings but I oddly don't feel like I'm there. It's like I'm in a bubble and I'm insulated from the event, just selectively feeling the more palpable parts. It's like my brain has a vague idea of what is happening but I don't quite "get" the whole experience.

None of the raw, exciting wide-eyed wonder. None of the weird feelings in the tummy. None of happy feelings of novelty. Only a muted, barely there sensation, reminding me that this or that event is happening to me.

Next High?
So there is this He that is playing this staring game with me. The "me" two, three years ago would've had this screaming teenager inside my head, giddy and brimming with excitement at just that thought of this He. Not even because this He is playing the staring game but just the idea of this He.

The "me" now is not moved. And it's not because I don't want to be. I want to be moved! I want to feel that rush of excitement and have that screaming teenager run around my head to remind me how fun it is to be young and carefree.

The "me" now feels like just standing idly by, watching all these things happening. Yeah, it's cute He is playing this staring game but it's not waking up the screaming teenager in me. Yeah, it is putting to action some imagination muscles looking into some future time when He actually stops just staring and actually starts talking. But it doesn't feel like a jolt to the system, it doesn't feel like an unnatural thought able to disturb the peace and the steady of my adult thinking.

It's not that I don't want to be steady or stable or normal. I guess I'm just looking to feel -- to really, absolutely, indescribably feel. I want to feel alive. I want that next high.

Adventures of She

It was a KFC buzzing with a handful of people. The aircon inside was freezing, stark against the sticky summer air outside. She made her way to a table which was probably a good twenty steps from the door. She wanted to talk to Ton to get a file from Ton's computer. As She approached, He started to look tensed. He looked a little panicked when He realized She was headed to His table. She was about 5 steps away when He realized She was there for Ton.

Somewhere along the conversation, He offered to lend Her his thumb drive. Ton introduced them, She met Him, He met Her. Awkward hello's.

***

It was one rainy Thursday evening in KFC (again). He was seated in the table by the door, She was seated in the table awkwardly angled with Her right side to Him. There was a space, where the tables part leading to the counter and another row of tables between His table and Her table. He was minding his thing, She was minding hers, while quietly stealing glances His way.

Not long after, Her friends started filling the seats in the table between them. He was on the phone, She was trying to crane her neck to steal glances His way. It was awkward, She'd look at His face for a few quick seconds and quickly look away. She didn't want Him to catch Her eye. Then it happened.

She slowly looked His way expecting to graze His face with her eyes, look at His cute little eyebrows, steal a glance of his perfect, beautiful hands, and then look away. But this time, Her eyes were met by His.

Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Black Saturday aka Bye Bye TV Backlog Time

(Been meaning to post this last night but our internet conked out on me. Now the internet's baaack. So here goes. This post a little too gabby - you have been warned. Haha)

It's been a busy couple of months and the 3 free days from Pinoy Holy Week is a very much welcome break. For my non-beach going family, the Holy Week just means staying in and reacquainting with the house. For me, it also means "Catch Up On My TV Backlog" time :)

I've been meaning to write out a schedule for the 3 days to make sure I don't go back to "real life" next week feeling like the 'staycation' kinda slipped thru my fingers just like that. But yeah, no schedule yet. It's all in my head still, heee. I'm too giddy about getting 3 free days to think haha.

Well for one, I said I was gonna wake up early today to catch up on reading. But surprise surprise - I got up at noon just in time for lunch. Forgot to set the alarm last night! But list or no list, I've just been loving the whole 'kicking back and steady lounging' in the house. (But I think I may have to come up with a list soon, cabin fever is slowly and steadily creeping up as well hehe)

Brad & Jane, Alex & Dave, Penny & Max
I don't understand why I like this show it makes me so happyyy :)

The Thursday List
I've ticked off a few things on this list in my head. I'm all caught up with "New Girl" and "Happy Endings" at least. Both shows have been going up steadily in my TV priority list! The "Happy Endings" brand of weird has successfully grown endearing and "New Girl" has become unexpectedly great. I also accidentally finished "Blue Valentine" this afternoon. I caught the first half of Blue Valentine a good few months ago and never got around to watching the rest to finish. I opened it earlier just to check where I stopped last time and ended up finishing the movie! It's so strikingly sad and brings to the fore all the things you're scared of might turn bad in your relationship. ( I think there will be a Blue Valentine entry.) So to kind of counter that 'real-ness' from all the Blue Valentine and dirty sex and balding Ryan Gosling which doesn't exactly add up to sunshine and smiles, I have decided to fill the TV list with all sitcoms.

What Friday Looks Like
Despite what oddly feels and looks like cabin fever (after only a full day spent at home) my Friday looks like another TV day. While I intend to get some actual "things" (aka non-TV related things) done tomorrow, I will dedicate time for Chuck, which I am 8 episodes behind. And also Cougar Town, which I am 5 episodes behind (Why I take on this much TV and why I feel compelled to watch all this TV is a mystery even to me, so no explanations in the next few lines.) I also have some new shows which I am excited to preview.

It's Lenon Parham of "Accidentally on Purpose". Let's see, let's see.

I found out that Lenon Parham's "BFF's" just premiered today. I loved Lenon as Abby (aka Blabby-gail) in "Accidentally on Purpose" and I'm excited to see this new show of hers. I read the credits and she apparently produced the show as well. There's also this other show "Bent" from NBC which I've been waiting on since David Walton stars in it. Walton is the lanky, brooding guy (think more pensive and poised, more suave version of Zach Levi) from "Perfect Couples". He topbills "Bent" with Amanda Peet, who I think is pretty and very charming, as well. Friday's booked solid (said the kid with no friends :p)

It's Amanda Peet and the cute guy fro (the show that flopped)
"Perfect Couples". I could always use a rom-com :)

Actual "Things"
I've had "Eat Pray Love" the book open since JR's birthday Bora in January of last year. Since I started taking my reading list seriously and added more business books to the reperoire, Liz Gilbert has been collecting dust in the book shelf. I want to give time to more leisurely reading tomorrow. And maybe some David Sedaris, too.

There is also some writing to be done. The Goal Book and oh, I want to start writing my own bucket list! Let's see how much of this actual list gets done. I wish us all a great weekend! :)

Berating Self: Online Edition

I write so I remember - I say on the blurb of this blog. Now, I am writing so I remember.. to do. I've been meaning to do many many many things. But as all things you *should* do go, well, they don't get done (by me, hehe.)

This is me berating myself online to remind me of things I should be doing (because I promised myself I would) but am not doing. Self frustrations in 3..2..

Running
I have been meaning to run since March. Heck, I have been meaning to run when the year started last January! And then it got pushed to February, for my birthday. And then to March, because I never got around to it in February. And now April -- because it feels like the last chance to get started. My vision board says I ought to be running 21K's come July 2012 -- that's assuming I picked up after myself and actually went on program July of 2011. But I didn't. So here I am, 3 months away from my target 21K, not even sure if my lungs can keep up with a measly 5K.

Not cool, self. Not cool. So what to do now?

Ang aking running peg - bra top and fierce ponytail

I actually jumpstarted running yesterday. Mum forcibly got me out of bed at 630AM and successfully got me to run with her in the village basketball court. That we stopped 20mins into it notwithstanding, the important thing being that I STARTED running again.

Now the clincher is today. Whether I can haul my ass outta bed for the second day. The verdict? A big fat NO. Just when I realized full well that the secret to good, sustainable behavior is consistency. Not big fancy ceremonies for when you start -- but the dirty second day. The question lies on whether you can repeat it again and again and again until it becomes the normal.

So running is a big fat flop. I can always try again tomorrow. Hello self, 21K?


Waking Up at 5AM
I wrote a few days ago about a habit I read in  the wonderful book by Robin Sharma "The Leader Without a Title." The book suggests that leaders wake up at 5AM EVERYDAY, and have longer, more productive days than the rest of the population.

Photo credit: 5am Sky alternative by Jay photo

In all fairness to the book, it admits that starting your day at 5AM is NOT easy. It actually even went on to say that the first week will be the hardest. It admits that some people who started the practice of waking up at 5AM were cranky and unhappy in the first week. But it also promises that just after 40 days of consistently waking up at 5AM, it becomes a default.

I want that default. I want to be that person with a longer, more productive day than the rest. But my Day 1 of the "40 Day Wake Up at 5AM Challenge" keeps getting pushed back.

Another day, another dollar. Tomorrow day 1, yes?

Hello self. Running and waking up at 5AM. Game?

Why I Love Nick Miller

I was on the fence when New Girl started. In fact, I almost didn't continue watching. I remember deleting the first 2 eps -- for me it didn't merit a folder in my TV files (haha, I'm snooty like that). And then somehow, somewhere along episode 3, things turned around.

I guess the show picked up it's groove and New Girl grew on me. Suddenly, the humor clicked with me, the characters became extra endearing, and the story seemed to resonate so much with me.

And then my love affair with Nick Miller happened :)
(haha natawa naman ako, kala mo real life lang!

New Girl's Nick Miller and his "take me seriously" look

Nick Miller, Why Do I Love Thee?
Nick Miller, former law school student, 3 months away from a law degree, is a bartender. He dropped out of law school and  the elusive law degree has been a sore issue since. Of the 3 boys in the New Girl house, he's the blandest personality-wise, least alpha male-ish, and most emotionally in-tune. He also has the most emotional baggage, the most personal issues, and the most regrets. But I love him anyway :)


There's something about Nick Miller that resonates so well with me. He's like a fictional version of all the ghosts inside my head. He's the uncertain, jaded voice inside my head that quietly tells me why things are not possible. He's the insecure grown up that is scared of the future. He feels like that devil's advocate inside my head in that adorable, scruffy, and disarmingly cute package.

He puts to words things I dare not say out loud - heck, even things I dare not let enter my mind in thought. In the "Bells" episode, I was squirming while watching that scene with him and Winston. Nick and Schmidt were fighting in the episode because Schmidt wants to use his disposable income to ensure a functioning apartment while Nick was being all sore about being poor and insisting on trying to do the apartment repairs himself. At the peak of the childish fight, Nick retreats to the roof and has this weird/endearing conversation with Winston. There's something about this conversation that hit home so hard:

Nick: You know what sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you for way too long.They've got too much on ya. I want friends who still lie to me cos they don't want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kinda mean that.
Winston: What happened to us, man? We used to be so cool. I was gonna play basketball and be a gazillionaire.     

I guess Nick is the 30 year old person I never want to be. But he's cute and scruffy and charming and inviting - much like how doing nothing and letting go and letting things just "happen to you" is cute and charming and inviting. Nick Miller is so promising just as I feel as I am promising. But I guess he brings to the fore, and very clearly at that, the kind of 30 year old I don't want to be.


I love Nick Miller for being whiny and full of regrets and charming and his own brand of cute. I love Nick Miller for showing me what I kind of 30-year-old I should NOT be.


P.S. I also love Nick Miller for showing me the kind of scruffy that I like :p