Scratch Paper Thoughts

I think it's been over a month since I last took time out to vent to the great Internet black hole. I wouldn't say I've been running out of issues, maybe just running out of time. More than any other time, today is that time when issues of all sorts, shapes, and sizes abound. And I'd say not one of them lay dormant and ignored. When you don't have the time, energy, and resolve to sit down and type up your thoughts into a neat blog entry, grab some scratch paper, and scribble away. My office table is teeming with teeny bits of paper, and torn up notebook pages of very random thoughts and um, feelings. Hehe. So before I lose the papers one by one, I shall share my thoughts.


21 August 2008, Thursday (third day in the office) ~For grade school/high school kids, this means Linggo ng Wika. For me, the working kid (not the use of kid and sense the denial), today means means wading through mountains (err, not really, more like ant hills) of dirty data. Dear hands, let's get ready to roll. Heeere we go.

~Ooh, today is third day at work and second day being late. Yesterday was first and pretty excusable cause it was raining cats and dogs. But today was sunshine-y and very bright -- so why the hell am I late? And oh, it doesn't feel good. A bunch of calculator-holding, "slacks"-wearing office mates are staring me down and am pretty sure judging me -- said the paranoid girl.

~The stay at the hospital served as a reset button for me, if not all of us. Suddenly we all missed each other and we're a lot nicer. Before the hospital episode, we were all breathing down each other's necks. Mom was on Dad's case pretty much all the time, Dad bears the brunt of it all, Dad doesn't understand why Mom's upset, which makes Mom all the more upset. And me, totally acting like a teenager -- hating my parents just minus the door slamming and the answering back. Am happy we're back. And no, I don't think this is the calm before the storm. Really. (28 September 2008 EDIT: I say the reset expired already)

~The holiday can't get here fast enough. Rawr. I am not such a sleepyhead but today, shyeah. And um, pretty much everyday at 1PM. Same time, same struggle.


26 August, Tuesday
~Today I missed high school. I remembered the 920AM recess and how we would sit together by the long table, then eat dirty ice cream from Manong Del Mundo.

~Forgive the cheese, but love then was refreshing, uncomplicated, and intoxicating. Naivete was fun and forgivable. I miss being 15 and stupid.

~ I googled "turnover", that term we used a lot in .1 and .2. Today, BA made perfect sense. Oddly, I missed studying. I kinda wish I read more in college.

~ I was drowning in excel, typing like a crazy clerk in some decrepit government office. I had to type "Caloocan" way too many times and I remembered Tet. I miss him. 3 years just seems too long to start counting. 3 years at best, and it's not even sure.


28 August, Saturday
Dear Tet,
Our lives have taken us both different directions. Some of us, err one of us, towards the far West, to the States. It's been pretty difficult. I mean, you finally realize you've met your soul mate/best friend/missing sibling and two days later he has to fly some 20,2000 miles away. It's like getting the rug pulled from under you. It sucks. There's this odd feeling in you tummy, like there's this little fire inside of you that's been put out. Nothing life-altering in a big major way the way death is, but things just aren't the same -- not as happy.


2 September 2008, Tuesday
~The really difficult thing about being in a new environment, fish out of water style, is that you don't know your limits. The ground you stand on is pretty shaky. You do things and you're cheeky and inconsiderate, or so says the "pioneers"/old-timers. You don't do things and you're a lazy bastard. Any which way, there's no getting on the good side. Can't wait for the day when the lines will be defined and the things I say will hold water because I said them and not because I was told to say them. I used to always say I'm screwing my comfort zone because it's old, boring, and cowardly. I screwed it for the daring, new, and untreaded. Bravery has its costs -- and it's not cheap. I miss old, boring, cowardly, and snug.

~ I miss Ted and Robin together and Barney and Marshall and Lily. New episodes Season 4, September 29! I hope it's as bad ass funny as Season 2. I think I miss Barney more, the lame catch phrases. Sometimes I wish life was as easygoing as a sitcom -- booze, good friends, funny problems -- and over in under 20 minutes.


18 September 2008, Thursday
Why is it that when I found someone who makes decent -- I take that back, I mean really adorable, really amusing conversation, who's hot enough to send my heart racing, with really sexy shoulders they're distracting, someone I really could like for the long haul, he turns out to be... (EDIT: I don't really i can write my two descriptions of this person. Let's settle for hints: the first one has the word practicing, and the next one has the words full-blooded).


19 September, Thursday
My heart is beating like mad, I feel like a hundred horses decided to launch a parade on my chest. It's tough how when you have something really good going for you, and something really scary about to happen and all send your heart into a beating frenzy, it's crazy. You have crazy zaps of electricity going through the tips of your fingers, it's unnerving.

some brain fart before THE call

Saying yes would mean:

• giving up all my Saturdays -- on second thought, I bum on Saturdays and no regular night-outs, so its really giving up a free day. On a more specific note, this would mean I cannot be out all day in mall, no Saturday lunches with friends, and no house-hopping. And no, TGIF's
  
• waking up at 6 everyday -- maybe this means time to grow up. I guess the real grown up life doesn't exactly start the day at 10.
• paying taxes -- which would mean I will be earning. It sucks how earning manages to blur your choices. I think of the books and the shoes and the nice things, and in a moment of weakness (and should I add materialism), everything seems right with the world.
  
• being a non-liability to the government -- productive, able citizen
• being out of the house
• settling? or stepping up?
  
• meeting new people
• being too scared to say no and wait some more
  
• putting 177 to practice -- excites and scares me both at the same time
• reporting to the "NOT easy" boss
• giving up the @internship
  
• growing up -- well.
  

Saying no would mean

• staying stuck in the house
• going back to crossing my fingers something good comes along
• getting to bead at 10 in the morning
• sleeping at 3 in the morning -- in an attempt to zoom to OTH season 3 :P
• getting to go anywhere, anytime -- although the fact that I'm not earning kind of nullifies this one.
• being able to jump rope any time I want -- and pop in the exercise tape (doesn't happen a lot, so not a problem, really)
• opening that chance of flying out again
• waiting -- testing my frayed patience, all possible ways
• I'm not really sure
  

Grown up decision #1 and other concerns

It's been a struggle really -- between the heat at home and that teeny flicker of hope in my heart that all I need is a little more decent time to find square one of my (big badass) career, here or in another country. It's a tiring waiting game, and even if I say patience is my best virtue, it still gets to me. And then I get this phone call and then all of a sudden I have a clear option.

Second interview and I am an hour late. I would like to think this is uncharacteristic of me, but moving out of the shadow of being late rather unsuccessfully, gets in the way. I get interviewed by this guy who kinda scared me I forgot that he was actually missing some teeth. I was a bit shaken and I guess it showed for a while that he was able to successfully intimidate me. He got to throw things at me like, "Whatever happened to focus?" and "What is wrong with you UP people?" (btw, he, incidentally, is from Ateneo) and most importantly, "I am NOT an easy boss. I have 20 years of marketing experience to back me up and that is what you have to contend with."

And the kid sits there like a drowning duckling, flailing like crazy. Not good -- or so I thought. Amazingly, I got an offer.

Yes and no never felt this difficult. On the one hand, I get a job. But not less than a year in a job that will eat up all my Saturdays, pretty much my entire life, I'm not very sure. I wish I was more decisive.

***

The domestic goddess art and cooking program is still on and my latest creation are yema balls. They're pretty much pastillas, only this time I was able to shape them into decent-looking candies.

This picture makes them look like oily fishballs on stunted sticks, but they're goood :)

***

I was trying to look up Avid's project365 multiply the other day and I stumbled upon this site encouraging people to start their own daily a-day-in-the-life-of project. It's an interesting way of chronicling everyday life. All you have to do is take one picture for everyday and post on your blog/personal site.

I missed my camera on our Divisoria day. Sayang, it sure would've been an interesting first post. Anyway, I'll start with a picture of my second batch of blue-clad polvoron. Still as good as the first, but this time in a prettier bright blue wrapper.


***

Since when did we become this circus? It is interesting to add that this circus is neither funny nor amusing. Said the kid with many issues.

***

Nakiki- I-think-I'm-on-the-same-boat lang:


Photo credit: PostSecret

Domestic Goddess

Yan ang drama namin ngayon sa bahay. I've been getting my hands on a lot of things -- daig ko pa ang barangay livelihood program at Batibot crafts, combined. I think this is my way of convincing my self that I am productive, in this make-believe summer vacation which doesn't have a definite first-day-of-school date . Move over Martha Stewart, or Rachael Ray, or, erm, Teysi ng Tahanan? Hehe.

I took 'being productive' to mean getting your hands moving all hours of the day. So I did pretty much everything I could get my hands on. There was beading, sort of baking, and updating web portals. And now, I have pretty sparkly bracelets (to be given away to friends, or maybe sold over multiply, if I get to upload my stuff), a big batch of really goooood polvoron (and no, this isn't just me, I've got references!), pastillas which never got wrapped (ten orange-clad pstillas after, Mum and me decided we'd just scoop it out of the tupperware with spoon), and 8 less albums from my multiply backlog.

Today is show and tell :D

About a few weeks ago, my Mum took out my beading kit. I got into beading first when I was around 7. It was my parent's way of appeasing me for not having anything to do over the grade school 2-month summer, which was too loooong for a 7-year old. Back then, I only had 2 bags of pink beads and I could only do 1-strand, crappy looking bracelets. About 10 unusable bracelets later, I quit and forgot about the beads. I seriously got into it again sometime when I was 11 and then when I was 17. And then a few weeks ago. I like it better now because we got 2 pliers, those really complicated metal thingums you find in accessories you buy, and pretty beads -- feels like the real thing! :P

These are shots I took of the bracelets. Using the trusty 3-year old Canon, my college spring purple notebook, and the white light over the dining table. From left to right (1) Purple and white 6-strand glass bead bracelet, (2) Green and blue bead bracelet from old stray bracelets I found in my Mum's closet, (3) and the Clear and purple glass bead bracelet. The purple triangular beads came from some old necklace we never got around to using. Scouring the house for old trinkets never made me this happy. I feel like I want to cut them all loose and make new ones out of the pretty beads :) I'm really liking this new hobby.

And then there was this webbie Mum found with all these really simple recipes. I took that to mean -- the time has come for me to make cookies and cream polvoron! :)

Good stuff :) I'm really proud of this batch. And, look at that pretty orange wrap. This batch took so much of me -- more than an hour to wrap all 60, frayed patience, and more ingenuity than I expected. But look at those! *beams like a proud mum* Btw, they're really good!

Til the next batch of bracelets and sweets! :)

Regression is the path of least resistance

Post-college, that part where you're unemployed, not earning, the part I am in now, is confusing. Part of me wants to rush into, you know, "the world", and prove I am that young thing and I am out to stake my claim in the big baad world of business. But in the same breath I say also that another part of me wants to go back to UP, reclaim that steady life I used to lead just a meager 5 months ago. It probably isn't steady the way, you know staying home is laidback, but steady the way you know how the next weeks, months even, are going to figure. I loved that life. It was exciting and both predictable and unpredictable -- the greatest oxymoron of all time, at least in my 21-year old life.

In that life, I wake up at 8, exactly how things are supposed to be, and then find my way 10 minutes late to my 10AM class. I have lunch at the caf, on more exciting days Mcdo Katip, and then go on with the day's remaining classes. At 5.30 I walk my way to CAL, past the Sunken Garden, past the sweaty joggers, my fingers crossed hoping I stumble into Mike in his sweaty glory (which, by the way, never happened, unfortunately), past the AS steps, and then Kuya Taho, and then find my way to Spanky, that purty WC abode. We laugh our lungs out at WC until we have to light candles because darkness has set in. And then we have to leave because the CAL mosquitoes are going to eat us alive if we don't.

I thought if I went back to the uni, things will feel pretty much the same. The last time I did, I felt like an alien. I was walking the very same pavements but things just aren't the same. I didn't know anyone and I couldn't gloat about knowing half the CSSP population. It was just, different. This thing came like a big bong in the head,telling me that this just isn't how things roll anymore.

I'm being pulled at both ends -- looking forward, looking backwards. Optimism's not my best trait, maybe that's why I am regression's poster kid. Gah.

Anyhoo, because I like things themed (and I love that title up there :P) my musical preferences have been going back to the 90's. The last week saw me filching off the internet OPM 90's style, that familiar band-y sound of angsty teenagers whose songs I didn't know the titles to, back in third grade. Those bands back in grade school I pretended to know because that was what's cool. Hehe. Taking regression to the next level, I go back to the glory days of OPM in the 90's. This Eraserheads song (H'wag Mo Nang Itanong) got me stuck and thinking about some crunchy food for thought:

Field trip sa may pagawaan ng lapis
Ay katulad ng buhay natin
Isang mahabang pila
Mabagal at walang katuturan

I miss the 90's. I miss UP, too. Gah.

Why I'm (almost) never cranky in the morning

...because i have the Top Ten to listen to. I know my friends sometimes hate me for parrotting almost all the entries and trying to recreate the humor, albeit unsuccessfully, I'd say half the time. But this one, you gotta give to me, the dumbest things you've heard said. I got a handful from from the repost on Chico's blog and now I'm pretty sure why ten years (give or take) after, I'm still in love with this morniing show :)

BedBathed Mitch
One time, nag-rereklamo ang girlfriend ko dahil masakit ang ulo nya. Sabi ko, “ganyan talaga, ang ulo parang tiyan, sumasakit kapag walang laman.” Ang sagot niya, “eh kumain naman ako ah…” Ayos.

Skye
My friend once argued “Sabi sa Discovery Channel, ang babae na lion, eh tiger!” I told him that those were two different animals. The next day he conceded, “Tama ka, iba nga yung lion sa tiger. Ang babaeng lion pala…eh lioner.”

Princess17
My aunt and I were eating in I-hop restaurant in LA. As we ordered our food the waiter asked my aunt, “how would you like your eggs, ma’am?” My aunt replied, “Cooked, please.”

No name
Back in college, one of my friends mentioned the Ninja Turtles. Another friend blurted out, “Diba palaka yung mga Ninja Turtles?”

Phoebechikay
One time, I tried to butt in my friends’ conversation. I heard one say, “Mae and I are going VEGAN.” I blurted, “Ay, kelan kayo pupunta? Sama ako!” Akala ko kasi, VIGAN.

Eto super winner:
Eli Gonzales
When I was in grade 6, I thought “lesbian” was a nationality. One time, a friend saw a lesbian couple and said to me “look at those lesbians”. I replied, “mukha naman silang pinoy…”

And just when I thought the “lesbian” one was funny, this one comes. Panalong panalo!
XJ
My wife was having coffee with a friend and her boyfriend who is a programmer. My wife asked the guy what language he knows and he said, “Java.” All of the sudden, the girl said, “Talaga? Sige nga, say something in Java!” After that…silence.

P.S. I plead the RX gods to please let Chico and Delamar keep their morning show til they're um, 60?

Is it?

Photo credit: PostSecret

EDIT: Erm, came off a tad too emo. The sentiment rings true, although if I were to be the one to word it, I'll probably say something along the lines of, things in my life today being too random. I could use some advice on how to go about things. That thing (life/time/whateveryoucallit) after college isn't my favorite. It feels to me as if my comfort rug has been snatched from under me. The best I can do is vent it to the great internet black hole -- well, cause talking about it makes too much drama than is necessary. How I feel in one word: muh. See, can't even come up with words. Muh.

The Worm Song

I finally figured out why my posts take 8 hours before they get posted -- apparently, I set it to the GMT -8 time zone, that's why. Now, it's set at GMT +8, Manila and I am posting The Worm Song to test it :) *lame excuse*

I am nursing badass sipon and my throad feels like ten big spiders spun their webs in there -- or in gross-er terms, plema fiesta! Hehe. I bailed from a 1.30p thing today to "rest." Plus the 14-day zero productivity, err... let's be kind, minimal (dismal?) productivity is taking its toll on me. Add that to PMS and we're on a roll with "unhealthy thoughts." Tsk tsk, idle minds = devil's workshop.

Anyhoo, There was this song I learned from Delle about people with "unhealthy" thoughts. Chico calls it "The Worm Song." Here's Delle's version:

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me,
I'm gonna eat some worms
Fat ones, skinny ones, itsy bitsy teeny ones,
woozy woozy woozy woozy worms
First one's easy, goes down easy,
second one sticks to your tongue.

She didn't get to finish it, though. So resourceful kid to the rescue -- I googled the worm song and found tons of different versions. For anyone who enjoys moping, sing The Worm Song! Here's a short version culled from Bussongs:

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
Guess I'll go eat worms,
Long, thin, slimy ones; Short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms.

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.
Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.

If we happen to be friends, I'll be kind enough to sing it to you :) Hehe.

Struggling...err, more like Wrestling

The once office-going kid started being the home-staying kid July 1. Effectively, it's been 14 days already since I have been home-based, with a usable computer, fast internet at my disposal, food for when I get hungry, my bedroom for when I feel sleepy -- pretty much no excuse for not having anything accomplished.

My blurry to do list has basically 3 things on it: send TN emails, clean room, bum. The third one is definitely getting in the way of 1 and 2. It's been 14 days of struggling to get things done but always getting sidetracked by naps, mindless free TV, Multiply, Facebook, and every other thing I stumble upon. I hate it that I have roughly the attention span of a fly -- always finding other things more colorful, more interesting, and more delicious-looking. I just had to write this entry because I told myself maybe if I get the distractions out of the way, maybe, just maybe, I can start firing out those emails. I am still crossing my fingers this way of fooling myself works.

For days on end, I have had my TN forms open as word files but really, I am off to the world wide web surfing to my hearts delight. Totally not working. I just keep myself happy by having these word files open, convincing myself that somehow, after snooping this last journal entry of this person, or uploading this last album, I will find it in me to click on the Word file and actually start reading them. And then finally decide whether I want this TN and then send an email with my CV. But no, every two seconds I find an interesting post from people, my multiply backlog of pictures does not run out of albums for posting. It's frustrating really. Muh -- I kinda wanna say I hate myself, but I take it back, I can't find it in me to hate myself. Hehe.

I shall go close this window, and go on as planned. Close internet conection, go up to my room and finally open AND read the TN forms. Just you wait, I shall blast you with an email balst update. And the struggle, err.. wrestle with productivity beginsssss.

Quote Unquote 2

More one-liners from TV shows that eat up 98% of my free time :P

I've been willing myself to write this entry for a few months now but never got around to it (along with the 99% of my to-do list :P). The quotes are not in any way related but each with a little nugget of wisdom (or idiocy, but in a funny, witty way, so forgivable) in them. Ooh, common thread I figured, is that some of the lines are from my all-time favorite losers, Ted Mosby of HIMYM and Dan from Dan in real Life. But then again, some are from somewhere else. Hmmm, really there is no common thread. Heehee, forgive the fickle kid :P

Ted Mosby to Lily when she said she's freaking out about having cold feet 3 months before her wedding
"Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out."

From one of the songs in RENT
"Forget regret or life is yours to miss"

Also from RENT (I think I loved this for the very reason that I cannot, and am guessing will never, do it)
"Let's find a bar so dark, we forget who we are."

Dan of Dan in Real Life singing back-up to brother, but really singing it to Marie
"Let my love open the door... to your heart"

Dan to his kids (I loved it for the sheer simplicity and stinging reality)
"Plan to be surprised "

Future Ted of HIMYM to his kids talking about his friendship with Robin. This was the one when they had relapse sex on the eve of Thanksgiving and decided they cannot be friends anymore but were proven wrong.
"Friendship is an involuntary reflex, it just happens, you cant help it"

From the Morning Rush Top Ten on Metaphors (an entry which I recommended Friendcess take as her life adage :P)
"I am like good coffee -- medyo bitter"

Again from the Morning Rush Top Ten on Metaphors
"Family are like fudge -- mostly sweet with a few nuts."