good days, bad days and in betweens

hola. i just woke up. happy wednesday morning (plus a little stiff neck) :D this entry is long overdue ( yes everything's just overdue -- along with my MME fotos :P). but before we get to that, my dream from earlier was jut too freaky to pass up writing.

i woke up at 7-ish, but on Wednesday mornings, it's just obscene to wake up that early, so i go back to sleep. i didn't know i'd get more obscene images from sleeping again. but as much as i'd hate to admit, it was kinda cute. please note that no names shall be mentioned, so youre guess is as good as anyone else's. haha, i dont think am telling :P its too cute, it's yucky :D

i forget how the dream started. what i rememeber is that we were in some bad spinoff of Amazing Race that entailed too much running inside this posh place. Jamie was there, and Ming, and someone i really like (who ended up boarding this really fly gold convertible at the end. wow), someone i dont really like, and a handful of extras, including a flock of salesladies. i couldnt make it out whether we were in a mall or a hotel -- but that's immaterial. anyhoo, we went on with the race, endless running and giggling. and then the last part. for some weird reason we ended up climbing this wall to get to the final gathering of all the participants because *dont look at meee* it was raining (ftw? yeah, we climbed the wall because it was RAINING. even i dont get it, so dont ask me). ooh, i also finished the game first but for again some weird reason, i didnt have the booklet youre supposed to have stamped at every station. so i dint win.

on with the wall climbing, some of the contraptions started giving in. so like a hundred of us stuck to the wall started panicking. the climbing walls part didnt entail any bungee ropes or anything, we were just clawing our way to the top. not exactly the way Spidey did it, there were these metal/ropey structures that looked like scaffoldings and we were making our way up with those. i dont know how we got out, basta we all ended up safe on the ground. weirdly though, when we got down and it wasnt raining anymore.

and it just gets weirder. this other someone, the one mentioned earier that i dont really like, started doing things, acting like we actually were friends -- and no, not normal friends, the other kind of friends, the kind you'd have to italicize. this person started putting an arm around me, and then later hugging me in front of everyone. and no one was cheering, as if it was the most normal thing for him to do. this part i was apprehensive, taking the hands off of me. and then the next thing i knew, we were talking like friends with this person's hands on my waist and my hands on this person's waist -- and wasnt embarrased. in the dream i was weirdly happy about this entire thing. and then i woke up.

***

on with the ovedue entry.

i think all the anger and the badmouthing caught up with us. is was Poopoop with a capital P. mabe getting away with an ill-prepared report one time is good. going for another one and hoping to get away with it again is pushing it too far. i dont really know what happened, it just pft-ed in front of our noses. really baaad.

you know you're on a bad report when people offer "charity comments". i dont know if you notice, but when reports crash, the kind classmates raise their hands and defend you from the others who grandstand at your expense. you hear things like "in defese to the group..." and youre not even friends. its just pathetic -- not the charity comment-er, but the group with the baaad report. it kinda means you cant fend for yourself, someone has to save you. it's an ego thing. thank you to the charity comment-ers, but this group has tons of pride issues so we cant muster appreciation at the moment.

sorry to my two-crushed egos hoping to get solace from this report. i know you guys had a really tough time from the report the day before, and i somehow had a hand at making you guys feel better -- at least through a smashing report. i feel sorry i didn't deliver, but i feel more sorry that i lost that chance to make you guys fel better. i knew you guys were counting on me to keep the thing afloat, but i just lost it. when i crossed my arms after the first comment, maybe that was me giving it up already. i feel really bad, sorry.

its jsut tough when you now you've managed through so much and you get by. and then all of sudden you just feel really helpless because you are. nope, am not making BS-ing a regular thing, it's just that beofre, i manage to make sense. it just ticks me off that just when i badly neede to make sense, because my life depended on it, i just fail miserably.

okay that's the overdue baaad day. on with the good. *shake shake shake off* haha :D gia and kat were (not very subtly) hinting me about why i should go to culminight. they said i'd get my much-need ego boost from the dinner, i'd forget about my crushed ego. and they were pretty right :P

yay to the All Stars! :D woot! woot! thing is, i really seriously thought we wouldn't win, so until i got my hands on the havaianas (and the undies, haha) i really dint let the win sink. cheers to Vicks Throat Drops! (sucha bitch to pronounce, but heck got us a champion cert! :D)

fotos from the MME jump:

with Trina, my favorite teammate :D

certificates from the MME heads *and i learn its Ate Gru and NOT Glu* :)

oyeh All Stars :D weeee, we did it!

were missing AC here. sayang.

with Rach, who came for moral support :D thankyouuuuu :)

***

am not sucha fan of last day parting words. but i just learned to love Ma'am Talavera so much, i didn't really care. her word stuck like glue, and i think i shall be keeping them with me. and i quote, "find a job that you love, and be there where you will have the most impact". and since those words, i figured, i shall never settle again :)

P.S. i got in for Writer's! :D am up for induction this Friday, and it creeps me out really. haha, pretty scary.

feeling shxtty

i have no plans of animal crap-ping (okay, lets quit the euphisms. all i meant by the animal allusion is bullshxt. verb form, thas bullsxhxt-ting for you) my way out of things. if i sound like i am, my apologies. thas me sending that out to anyone who i gave the impression that i was smar aleck-ing all this time. i am not. okay, even if i sometimes look like i am.

i dont know what hapened, how i became this can of cliches. i feel really bad about picking a New York Times' bestseller for a favorite book, sounding like a broken Dr. Phil record and making anyone within conversational distance feel like s/he is in an Oprah interview. i didn't realy intend that -- it just comes out like that and i hate eeet. i fel like a blonde bimbo (except that i dont look the part exactly). maybe i dont read enough. maybe what you become is a contingecy of your situation *feeling socio10* haha. whatevs -- omg, i cant believe i just used that. *gags*

i feel baad. not exactly depressedbad. more like ithinkicouldhavedonebetterbad. pft.

gah. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. wit and brevity. *maybe if i write it enough, i can be witty and brief. sigh*

happy Thursday tomorrow :D *forced smile - atleast for now. tom it'll be really genuine i wont even be able to help eeet* oooh btw, i'll do some mean stalking tom :P

my ego took big blows this week. ow.

first off, the workshop. I've never been to a workshop, ever. I've heard things about workshops from people who've been in them -- like Gia who introduced me to Sir Capili (and the "happy" writing classes he holds) and a handful of WC people who i asked about how workshops go. and that was the closest i got to a workshop, mere second-hand accounts.

last Wednesday was my first. i was pep talking myself, telling me it will be as informal as informal can get and that I'd be good. of course i knew i was scared shxt inside, i just didn't want to admit it because i knew I'd be overwhelmed by it. i was practicing my best poker face, the one that looked appreciative and grateful, and not that only serious look i can muster which looks too defensive for my own good.

so i was read, and then given the requisite comments. i knew i wasn't exactly headed to the right direction with my piece, considering the workshop head, Jomar, was someone who's very keen on social issues. what i did was a very shallow, humorous piece on everyday commuting and the travails of the commuter who wipes drool and sweat from her sleeve. i wanted it to be funny, unfortunately for me, my readers didn't exactly see my piece that way.

for starters, i was told it was immature and lame. the piece, as they see it, set a very elitist tone, they didn't find it funny. i was told wanting to have a car, as an end of the essay was totally shallow and that there are more pressing issues to write about -- other than well, casual everyday observations inside jeepneys. for another, i was told i didn't get to exhaust the rich material observations inside jeepneys provided. there was so much story inside the jeep and my very limiting (and shallow) piece didn't get to capture the more important issues.

but then i was told, i have a pretty good command of the language. and that i have control over the tone and direction of the piece. it was just that, i wasn't exactly taking it to the direction that spoke of depth and maturity. am in such a lost at how to rewrite my piece. hay.

and then another, the resume. Kat and Gia have been trying to talk me into joining the MME they've been working really hard on. my slot was pretty sure, and the all-expenses paid tag the event has was the come on they were waving at my face. and well, the other is that it will make my resume look better, because yes, it adds one additional line to the "seminars attended" part. and finally, after a good number of days' worth of bugging through text and email and all other means and ways of harassment, i give in.

it was the night of the deadliest deadline that i start working my application form and the resume. i was saddened by the very... um, sparse contents of my resume. i figured i haven't been doing a lot the past four years of my college. maybe i was just coming and going to school, drifting through the days and not exactly doing any growing up, at all. it was too much for my PMS-y ego to take. um no, no suicide is happening at all. just some verbal diarrhea to let the bad feeling out.

and because this is sour graping, MY sour graping, i just have to say, it doesn't help that someone gets to play basketball with Kobe and that that someone is a freaking freshman. no, it doesn't help at all. it makes me feel worse, that while i am wallowing in this (self-made) pit (I'd like to call, monthly self-pity), someone's basking in the glory of getting handpicked by THE Kobe Bryant to sweat together and share Gatorade. never mind that his grandstanding never won them any game in the last 13 sets. i hate it more that that makes him too good for the self-pity-ing broken ego person. oh dear.


***

i thought there was a lot of wisdom in six-ear old Seth's question for Pastor. the boy goes "Pastor, how come goals are important?" and all ten of us, with jaws wide open, get floored at the sheer wit that little boy spews out ever so casually. Pastor answers matter-of-factly that goals are important because they keep you focused. and it was just one of the best non-verse quotes he had to make.

in another floored experience that witty little boy gave us, he answered Pastor's question on life goals. Seth goes, "My goal is to be a very smart boy" and we all clap in amazement at the purity and innocence of the statement. i am both happy and saddened at the boy's certainty of his life goal. i am happy that at six, he knows where he's headed. yes, maybe it can change and, for a fact i know, it will change when he grows older. but still, i am happy at six he knows what he wants.

i am saddened because at twenty i feel like i am just letting the tide take me to wherever. i feel out of axis, just spinning with the groove, out of control. and six-year old Seth knows what he wants, thankyouverymuch. i need a goal, i need focus and i dont know where to start. twenty, six months away from college graduation and about to write my resume isn't a good time to be clueless. oh Lord.

oddly tired

i oddly feel tired. i think -- and then i figure i havent been doing a lot of things as of late.

*i digress -- i see there's this video tool on my blogger toolbar now :) has it been there long OR was i just not observant enough?*

anyhoo, going back, i look back to two weeks ago, and figure ive been whiling time away, feeling tired and not really getting things done. i had two weeks in a row of unbelievable 5-day-weekends and they were all a blur with snippets of Desperate Housewives and all those jellobrain movies i caught. i write this as i cram my group contribution for the brand framework homework for tomorrow, together with my bakery brand framework -- which i, by the way havent done anything for. its just gotten so baad. monster P, i stomp on you -- sabi nga ni April.

maybe i feel tired now because after all, i helped Mother Earth get better by picking up twenimilyen candy wrappers at the lagoon earlier this afternoon. itsa Haribon thing which Writer's signed up for. by the way, we got a number of used condoms, a pantyliner and our first realfirst "basura"? a porn cd with a topless woman showing her nips for the world to see. and i thought lagoon stories were sleazy jokes.

we were the last ones to do the rounds and we so we got the really difficult area. this thing spans from the back of the admin building to the front of the main lib. wow, thatsalotta stamina, thankyouverymuch. and erm, bad smelling shirts from all the pawis and the basura, ick please quit any visual images you might have conjured. and and.. all soft mud in my brown rubber tsinelas. wow.

i have happy entries really, am just really busy being tired.

P.S. i shall write about that escapade with markie and sweet when... um, am not so tired anymore.

P.P.S. me watching live tomorrow at the Araneta :) and and... i have three new favorite letters and three new favorite numbers. my letters are x and j and w, in no particular order. and my new favorite numbers are 8 and 9 and 7 :) go figure. haha *wink wink*

the college kid, poetry and checking you out

happy birthday to my Dad :D cheers to my favorite golden boy, weeee! i love you Dad :)

***

hoorray to proscrastination :D *not that itsa good thing in itself* but today, all my wishing paid off -- the SEA30 exam and the 175 midterms moved to thursday :) weeeeee!

*thinks again* and i just realized it got put off, but am still taking it in two days time. howell, whoever said you can have your cake and eat it, too. *there goes my cliche quota fulfilled for the day :)*

***

i seriously think my SEA30 teacher was wearing eye liner earlier. waw, watta way to start my day, Sir. thanks. okay, with that out of the way, lets go. when i came to class, that one was looking. before i sat down, that one was looking.when i turned back, that one was looking. and then before that one left, he looked my way as if to telepathy the bye (erm, that was just meee :P). now am still thinking whether that one gave me that look. i need like two more days to check to see. rawr, i make it sound like rocket science this entire checking out thing. yesyes, i do have a life, i just get a kick outta this. gimme this one :)

had lunch with Ming earlier and laughed our heads off talking about my person she calls, "not so true love". iiick we know, we get it. weve made a long list of our cast of characters following this iick theme. dig in: (1) si Asian teddy bear athletic classmate -- it used to have the words chinese and basketball until we figured it was such a giveaway. and then the bear series (2) grizzly athletic bear -- who is not a classmate and managed to get into our conversation and (2) the cute and cuddly koala athletic bear classamte, who i, btw, love to bitsss :)

[/edit] today caught me staring like crazy (cuh-rey-zeeeh for the effect). i was in such a "good" position that i can look without getting caught (or so i think, says friendcess -- and uh, this is soo gradeschool, but am liking it :P). he was effortlessly adorable. and um, cute. and um, really endearing to look at --- erm, wrong, sounded so mommy. but really, it was fun looking and trying not to get caught. haha. and then i got caught - just once, and friendcess says if he caught me looking, then he must be looking, too (iick. eew. aaack. sorreh). haha, this is getting too detailed it's making me gag. but yeah, he isnt really beautifulbeautiful but hes fun to look at. and that disarming stare. and he looks clean. maybe hes mabango, too. iiick, may perv factor na yun sorreh. yeah, you can tell i like him :)

***

this afternoon was WC reading session. we read two poems which were brilliant in their own rights. "Father", the free verse with the "enjamb"-ed parts, and the Jorie Graham "I was Taught Three" which sent us spinning. and well, feeling like very small, uncapable writers. haha. the entire thing was fun. Moral of the entire thing: read more, and uh, according to me, reading with other people around reading with you is way fun-ner and more exciting.

uhm, why do i get the feeling that i write better in the wee hours of the morning? i liked my previous entry better thatn this, uh, very gradeschool diary-sounding thing i am publising... NOW.

***

[/edit. uh, yes again]
i found Pon and Zi in the internet the other day :) i just need some show and tell space :)

arent they the cutest? :) i love the "this is how you make my tummy feel". my that one still doesnt make me feel that. um, you, where exactly are you? :) haha.

all in a day

forget all the things i said about BA being sucky. my love for BA is so thick now, i can freakintouch it :D caught Stratmark for the first time, and it was just what i needed -- win high is so effing good for the soul :)

the Stratmark team was brilliant, i was beaming like a proud mom. haha. i just had to be there when the Taco Bell dude said, "Universiteeeh of the Philippineessssuh!" we all knew we were gonna win, but the affirmation still saw us ecstatic like anything. i love the hooting part -- haha yes, am uncultured like that :P we were only a handful, but the energy was so high we drowned out everyone else. UP Fight! never felt this goood :D

(clockwise from top left: 1) while waiting for the annoucement 2) the stage 3) with our fourfreakinhundred ticket.. ow 4) win high! :) but yeah, with the high and all -- (even if my broke) am goood :D)



and as if the Stratmark in high was not enough, i get my happines dose from Writer's :D even without the warnings (threats, haha) about not deferring were given me left and right, i'll stick by this. WC makes me happy :)

the acquaintance party was a riot :) i was late (coming from the Stratmark in Araneta), we werent able to pack CNB 211, the decor was sparse (almost nonexistent :P) and the food wastn spectacular, but there was something in there that made the place roar with laughter -- everything else dint matter. i think i love WC now :)

(clockwise from top left: 1) the dr. Quack quack kebs-sa-buhol-we-shall-pose casualties with the smokey effect 2) WC's Lau+Anj+Surot+April 3) the dr. quack quack mess again 4) apps Pola+France+Jaevee+Bernadete+Selah+Lei)


***
yes, pride is getting in the way.

shine down on meeeeee :D

thank you God for taking note of my cranky version of me yesterday and sending me these cute things to say You still care. yes, even when i think you are really faaaar, sometimes. and again, yes i still believe in You even when moving up to that part of this existence that is a lot closer to You (errr... dying in lay terms) seemed very inviting. because even when i was feeling down and out and miserable, there was still this part of me that said i have solace -- even then when i couldn't seem to find it.

so yeah, today heaven was smiling at me and gave me cute reasons to smile after that good cry:

1. Laughing my lungs out in Brand Management class because of this boy classmate who reported on Modess
2. Getting free chocolate from Sir and seeing my classmates' excited eyes as the boxes were being passed around
3. Biting into the Kinder chocolate bar and reading thought bubbles that said, "shet, whammos!"
4. getting free points for going to stratmark tomorrow. weee! yuuuh peeeeh foyt!
5. That look :D
6. Attempting to stalk Mike after class and figuring out i cant catch up cos he walks reaaaallly fast
7. the Babaylan person in AS walk telling me, "ate yellow, come join UP Babaylan and complete the colors of the ranbowww! (pointing to the v. colorful backdrop their booth had then)" -- which left me feeling really gay. *hmm, must be the screaming yelow top*
8. seeing Jess H and being told i am missed :D and then answering back, "i know" then after two seconds realizing its sucha ditzy thing to say ang then shouting back, "missyoutoo" at the FC walkway.
9. Francis and his speech about out-ing to his nanay
10. Being the kiss ass app to April and going to the dean's office with her -- and if it still isn't obvious, i like her :D (in the straight friend way :P)
11. seeing a national artist :) -- passed by Bienenido Lumbera on the way back to the WC tambayan. i dont really know him, tehee. i just love the bragging rights the thing gives you, i.e, someone asks you where you've been, you go ditzy and say "ooh, nothing really, just hobnobbing with some national artist". oyeh :)
12. Anj asking me, "wala ka dalang cookies?"
13. walking with Nat on my way back to BA
14. that 175 meeting and conversations about why BA is such a money making machine and why the college sucks *yes, diss your college at your own risk*
15. having that light airy feeling tahdhay.

okay. must. get. back. work. 105. exam. tomorrow. aaaaaa!
****
maybe anger is hurt trying to look tough...